Thursday, 16 May 2013

Update Email - 16th May 2012

This morning I said goodbye to the Love of My Life. 

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. 

We will never, ever see him again which is something I can neither compute or come to terms with right now. 
I don't want to believe it. 
I don't want to acknowledge it. 
Why should I? We had such a wonderful life, we HAVE such a wonderful life, how can he be taken away? WHY has he been taken away?

The Boys, I worry so for the Boys. 

I've never really had a Father figure, so to know what it is like to lose one is an alien concept to me. They must be going through such pain, torment and complete sadness. I am, in my own mind, but a sorry substitute for the Mountain of Man that is my Husband, their Father. They know I am and always will be there for them. I also know that they are there for me. But I am not Him, I am not John, I am not the man that raised them into such proud, wonderful, truly talented young men. They are their Father's Sons. He is, always has been and will continue to be so very proud of them. There are huge elements of John in both of them, he will live on through them. This is of course a sort of comfort, but frankly I would just rather he lived. We all would.

So many people will be affected by his death in so many ways, I really don't know where to begin. John is a worldwide phenomenon, the past 4 weeks have proved this with messages of love and support coming from around the globe. Again, it is testament to the Man that he is that he is so very, very popular and loved so very much.

And so I wait. 
The Boys wait. 
We all wait. 

My heart is breaking and that phone call, the call that tells me he has gone, that he is dead, will be the final blow. 
My heart will be broken.
He will be dead and so too will my heart.

I am absolutely dreading living here on my own, if there was a spare room I would draft in some company. Its going to be lonely. Very lonely. Soul destroyingly lonely. 
On a practical note I probably won't be able to afford it anyway and so there will no doubt be yet another life change coming up in the near future. I lose my Husband closely followed by the home we made that's a complete mind fuck!

I want to run away, to hide, to get away from everything and everyone that reminds me of John but I can't bear being away from him. Nothing else in my life matters anymore. However, I must be here for our dogs. I must look after those lovely little pups. I am glad we have them, I need them and their unconditional love and fluffy cuddles. The rest is inconsequential, it means nothing. 
The life, the essence, the zest, the effervescence and complete happiness that lived in this flat has gone, it has left, walked out the door. 
It's in Germany and it is dying.

There is so much to think about, so much to do, to change, to sort. Practical things will need doing, bills will need changing to my name, etc, etc. I will slowly but surely erase his name from our life and revert to just John McKenna, a widowed man, not John McEllis, a happy, VERY HAPPY man married to the bloody amazing, effervescently jovial, joyously incandescent Mr John Ellis!!!!!!! When we met and fell in love he promised me 40 years together, we had a blissful, truly happy and contented 9 years and 6 months of which 2 years and 9 months have been happily married. I will forever cherish the special time we had together. Forever.

Friends and Family, I thank you. 

I thank you for your love, support and thoughts. I am sure that I will need you all over the coming months. I want everyone around me but at the same time I don't want to see anyone, be near anyone, speak to or hear from anyone, but I am craving company. I want to be left alone but I want people to hug me, hold me and tell me it will be ok. 
But you/they can't. 
It won't be ok, it won't change a thing, he will still be gone and me, the Boys and all his friends will still be heartbroken.

I've attached a beautiful picture of the most wonderful Husband, my Husband. I thought you might like to remember him in much, MUCH happier times.

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