Friday, 31 May 2013

Annus Horribilis

One year ago today, my darling Hubby reached the end of his journey.
One year ago today, dressed in (almost!) the same suit I married him in, I said Goodbye to the Love of my Life.
One year ago today, we gave John a bloody good send off (the Pub ran out of Gin!!).
I have one overriding memory of John's funeral - our gorgeous friend Kay's outfit....a beautiful Hummingbird dress with the most amazing red shoes (she was definitely channelling Dorothy!)......John would have LOVED it, almost as much as we love her. 
I don't know why I remember Kay's outfit more than anything else that day, but I do....maybe the Hummingbirds made me think of John....who knows?!
Whatever the reason, Kay was gorgeous!

One year ago today, I didn't think I would make this journey alone.
I faced my life feeling alone, depressed, unhappy, lost, also wanting to die.
I never thought I would be strong enough to do it, to live on after John's death.
I never thought I would break free of the grief, the loss, the mourning, the sadness, the fuckery.
I have been through, quite possibly, the worst thing that a partner/lover/Husband/Wife can go through - the death of their partner/lover/Husband/Wife.
You don't go through life thinking that it might one day happen to you.
You don't wonder what you would do if it happened to you.
You don't daydream about the death of the one you love.
You don't.

I have now approached, experienced and dealt with every single anniversary/special day/date/birthday, etc.....
They've all been done for the first time - the worst time.
Going forward, these dates and anniversaries will get easier and I will cherish them and remember them always.
On 17th May every year, until the day I also die, I will mark the death of my Hubby, my wonderful 'Wolfie'.
On 26th February, until the day I also die, I will mark the birthday of my Hubby, my wonderful 'Wolfie'.
On 15th August, until the day I also die, I will mark the day I married my Hubby, my wonderful 'Wolfie'.
I will never, ever, ever not remember him.
For the rest of my natural life.

Of course the grief, loss and sadness are still within me, I think they will always be with me, but they're more controlled, I am in a much better place.
If they weren't in me it would mean I have forgotten and I don't ever want them to leave me completely.
I am actually 'happy'.
And that word 'happy', in my mind, would mean more to John than anything else - knowing I was and am now 'happy' again.
And so, almost 14 months since he died, this is how I finish this journey through Hell...............
I have some amazing friends and family who have been there for me and I know will continue to be, as I am there for them.
You will never know how much you helped me, saved me, kept me going and just how much I love you - to all of you, THANK YOU....I can never, ever adequately show or express my appreciation to you all.
And then there's my gorgeous niece. 
They say where there is Death there is also Life and little Ellie was born into this world just as John left it. 
She is now one of many focuses in my life, my new and 'happy' life.

This is not the end of the blog, although it rather sounds like it.

This is the end of my very own Annus horribilis (no jokes!!!!). 
Today marks the end of my 'Year of Horror'.
From tomorrow I am done, I am now a new me, I am not so much grieving and crying as living and seeing the world with new, wiser eyes....and I am a much stronger person than I ever thought I could or would be.
I'm not 'me' anymore. 
I'm not the John McKenna that you once knew.
I'm not the same.
Nothing much can phase me now.
Nothing can worry or scare me.
I went to War with Death and I won.
He very nearly got me too at one point but I stopped myself and (with the support of family and friends) I fought on.
Life can't fuck with me anymore because I know I can and will fight back!
Life is for the living and that is exactly what I am doing.
Life has become very exciting now that I have my 'dream' job and a beautiful new home to move to in July.

The 'new' John McKenna is looking forward to his Cornish future with wiser, more experienced eyes, and it feels good.

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