There was no email update one year ago today.
Because I sent a video link to family and selected close friends.
A video of John, sat up in bed, his beautiful blue eyes open.
A very special friend caught it on camera.
I will not post it online for anyone to see.
It's not appropriate.
It's so extremely precious to me.
I wouldn't denegrate John's memory by 'putting it out there for the masses'.
Instead, I will tell you about the tattoo I got on Friday.
A tattoo about Love and Hope and very happy memories.
Love isn't easy.
Sometimes it can (and does) really fuck you up!
The minute you start to love someone you accept the risk that one day they're not going to be there anymore.
But, with the heart breaking sadness of loss, it is incredibly important to treasure all the wonderful memories shared together, as a couple, as Lovers, as Soul Mates.
John Ellis, the man I married on 15th August 2009, taught me many wonderful things, most of all about Love and Life (and maybe a little smidging about birds too!) - about how exciting they could be and, ultimately, how heart breaking they are.
This tattoo, designed using the bird from our Civil Partnership stationery and with words that will always, for me, ring true, symbolises the fact that John and I will always be together. Yes, he will always be with me, but now he will always be a part of me. I will look at it and only ever think of one thing, the happiest day of my life - the day we married......I will see Life and Love not Death and Despair....always and forever.
It also represents a part of my broken heart - the first piece that has been taped up, sewn back together and glued back on.