Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal?

This is what I am.....unhappy.

I haven't been right for a few days, pretty much since one of my best friends returned to London, following his trip here at the weekend.

His arrival (and departure) reminded me of all that I left behind in the Big City. 

My Friends.

My Life.

Our Friends.

Our Life. 

Us.

While he was here we had brief conversations about me, about John. 

He told me that I had posted some 'concerning' things in my blog. 

That I am obviously depressed and, perhaps, I should consider speaking to someone.

Yes, I am depressed, I know this, but of course I shunned such a suggestion.

I don't want to speak to anyone.

I already know how I feel, why I feel how I feel, so why speak to someone to tell me what I already feel and know?!

But what must I do instead?

Sure, something has to give, but what, how, when?

In 2.5 months I will have been here in Cornwall for a year.....it feels like a very long year.

In that time I haven't really got much of a social life going on, there have been glimmers of one, but nothing I would personally call 'a social life', although it IS picking up.

I have had a very good job and I have left it.

I now have 3 part-time jobs and my ends are not meeting.

I am concerned about honouring my financial commitments.

I am considering trying to find a 'proper' job, to leave zoo keeping and return to an office.

If ends are not met then this is what I must do, common sense dictates it.....and for those of you that are thinking it, yes, it is what John would tell me to do!

But, even a 'good' job for me isn't really enough down here, wages are awful in Cornwall.

I've considered finding a smaller home, but, based upon my requirements (the dogs mostly!), this is the smallest place I could get that would allow dogs.....for some reason they're very dog UNfriendly for rental homes here!

And to cap it all off, I found an article on my home computer from 'At Home' magazine in which they interviewed John for their 'Real Life' section, all about work experience and it's benefits.

An article I had forgotten about.

I only found it because I was cleaning up the computer to download an update.

I. Am. Crushed.

I'm really rather unhappy and my mind is all over the place.

Once again I am wondering if I did the right thing coming here, moving 300 hundred miles away from the majority of my friends, leaving my life behind, leaving an excellent job (Britain's 2nd Best PA!!!) and a lovely home, leaving John behind.....

I DO feel like I've left him behind, no matter what anyone says to the contrary.

I am sad.

I am unhappy.

I am crying a lot again.

I am angry in a flash!

I am fed up feeling like this.

I want it all to stop!

I am missing John like fucking crazy.

I honestly don't know how to make me feel better.

Here We Go Again

There are things you go through in the first year of Loss, things that you don't really think will come back again, but obviously they do and, ultimately, always will.

Birthdays

Anniversaries

Special places

Christmas

Blah

Blah

Blah

And so it is that, once again, the spectre of Christmas looms over us.

Today, while window shopping in Truro, I got a short, sharp reminder of this.

I stood there like a loon, just staring at the cards, all of which seemed to scream HUSBAND at me.

And so I did what I always do.

I cried.

As with last year, I won't be buying or receiving a Husband Christmas card.

You get past one year and you 'file away' these little things, the things that make life that little bit less bearable.

There are things almost daily that make me think of John and bring me to the edge of tears but, as was John's way, he made Christmas, special occasions and birthdays very special, really, REALLY Special.

I made a promise to myself that after last year's horror I would 'celebrate' Christmas this year, I'll make a cake, I'll decorate this little house, I'll make a proper effort, a proper effort that involves me smiling and fondly remembering, not crying and longing for the dead (yes, I will no doubt cry!).

An effort that includes him, that allows me to feel like John, my Husband, is here with me, enjoying the festivities.

That's what I intend to try and do this year for Christmas.

John will be my Christmas Spirit this year.....I will channel him and WE will have a lovely time!

Money, Money, Money

Money.

No one has any.

We all need it.

Apparently it makes the world go around.

But, if you don't have it or earn it, the bills don't get paid.

This new life of mine doesn't come with many worries, very few in fact, apart from one.

Money.

In a nutshell, ends are not meeting.

I'm not earning enough to cover rent and the associated utility bills, car, dogs, insurances, etc.

I am 'lucky' in that the rent has been paid up front for the initial 6 months here, and hopefully, I will do the same for the next 6. So, for a year, my rent is paid.

But, I should be earning enough to be able to put the rent by and I'm not.

I'm dipping into the pot on a monthly basis and the pot is emptying, quickly.

I woke up this morning with one thought in my head, one which won't go away.

"Should I find a 'proper' job?"

I am currently working 3 part time jobs, all of them on minimum wage and only one is full days - two a week!

I've got myself into a tizz over it and I really, really don't know what to do.

1. Do I stay in part time zoo keeping and hope that the hours/days increase in the Spring? 

2. Do I find a 'proper' job, another admin/PA job and go back to what I used to do?

Yes, the rent is pretty much paid until the end of June next year, but we all know how time flies.

And, after June next year there will be no pot.....hence my worrying!

I have been having conversations in my head with John, trying to imagine the responses he would give me, what he would say, the advice he would give.

Perhaps I'm not asking the right questions because I'm not getting any answers.

I'm worrying.

I'm sad.

I'm unhappy.

I'm confused.

I don't know what to do.

Did I make the right decision leaving London and a very good job/lovely home/wonderful friends?

Did I?

DID I?

Three Words......

........I miss him.

I want John back.

I want my Hubby.

I want the Man I Love.

I want all the crap in my head to go away.

I want the crying to stop.

I want to feel something more than sadness, heart pain, loss, sorrow

I've got the beginnings of a social life here in Cornwall.

I've been seeing family and local friends.

I REALLY miss my London friends.

But, when they're all gone and I'm alone again I feel lost, low, sad, lonely.

And, when I'm with them all, I'm back to that wanting to be on my own feeling again.

You can't please me, I'm a push-me-pull-you with mixed up emotions that refuse to do as they're told.

As I fumble towards another Winter without my Husband I find myself missing him and wanting him as much as I have ever done.

Another Winter?

How did that happen?

Where did the time go?

He will have been dead 18 months next month..........EIGHTEEN MONTHS!!!!

I have been without him, I have loved him, I have missed him, I have wanted him, every single day for 18 months.

I have hoped he would walk through the door and this was all a crazy, fucked up, horrible nightmare.

I still hope that.

I want to wake up.

I want to wake up and see him there in bed beside me.

I want to wake up and see him there in bed beside me and hug me.

I want to wake up and see him there in bed beside me and hug me and tell me it's going to be ok.

Because I'm back to feeling like it's not going to be ok.

I'm back to thinking that I cannot cope with this.

I'm back to thinking that I cannot deal with him not being here.

I'm back to thinking too fucking much!