Annus Horribilis

One year ago today, my darling Hubby reached the end of his journey.

One year ago today, dressed in (almost!) the same suit I married him in, I said Goodbye to the Love of my Life.

One year ago today, we gave John a bloody good send off (the Pub ran out of Gin!!).
I have one overriding memory of John's funeral - our gorgeous friend Kay's outfit....a beautiful Hummingbird dress with the most amazing red shoes (she was definitely channelling Dorothy!)......John would have LOVED it, almost as much as we love her. 
I don't know why I remember Kay's outfit more than anything else that day, but I do....maybe the Hummingbirds made me think of John....who knows?!
Whatever the reason, Kay was gorgeous!

One year ago today, I didn't think I would make this journey alone.
I faced my life feeling alone, depressed, unhappy, lost, also wanting to die.

I never thought I would be strong enough to do it, to live on after John's death.

I never thought I would break free of the grief, the loss, the mourning, the sadness, the fuckery.
I have been through, quite possibly, the worst thing that a partner/lover/Husband/Wife can go through - the death of their partner/lover/Husband/Wife.
You don't go through life thinking that it might one day happen to you.
You don't wonder what you would do if it happened to you.
You don't daydream about the death of the one you love.
You don't.

I have now approached, experienced and dealt with every single anniversary/special day/date/birthday, etc.....
They've all been done for the first time - the worst time.
Going forward, these dates and anniversaries will get easier and I will cherish them and remember them always.
On 17th May every year, until the day I also die, I will mark the death of my Hubby, my wonderful 'Wolfie'.
On 26th February, until the day I also die, I will mark the birthday of my Hubby, my wonderful 'Wolfie'.
On 15th August, until the day I also die, I will mark the day I married my Hubby, my wonderful 'Wolfie'.
I will never, ever, ever not remember him.
For the rest of my natural life.

Of course the grief, loss and sadness are still within me, I think they will always be with me, but they're more controlled, I am in a much better place.
If they weren't in me it would mean I have forgotten and I don't ever want them to leave me completely.

I am actually 'happy'.

And that word 'happy', in my mind, would mean more to John than anything else - knowing I was and am now 'happy' again.

And so, almost 14 months since he died, this is how I finish this journey through Hell...............
'Happy'.
I have some amazing friends and family who have been there for me and I know will continue to be, as I am there for them.
You will never know how much you helped me, saved me, kept me going and just how much I love you - to all of you, THANK YOU....I can never, ever adequately show or express my appreciation to you all.
And then there's my gorgeous niece. 
They say where there is Death there is also Life and little Ellie was born into this world just as John left it. 
She is now one of many focuses in my life, my new and 'happy' life.

This is not the end of the blog, although it rather sounds like it.

This is the end of my very own Annus horribilis (no jokes!!!!). 
Today marks the end of my 'Year of Horror'.
From tomorrow I am done, I am now a new me, I am not so much grieving and crying as living and seeing the world with new, wiser eyes....and I am a much stronger person than I ever thought I could or would be.
I'm not 'me' anymore. 
I'm not the John McKenna that you once knew.
I'm not the same.
Nothing much can phase me now.
Nothing can worry or scare me.
I went to War with Death and I won.
He very nearly got me too at one point but I stopped myself and (with the support of family and friends) I fought on.
Life can't fuck with me anymore because I know I can and will fight back!
Life is for the living and that is exactly what I am doing.
Life has become very exciting now that I have my 'dream' job and a beautiful new home to move to in July.

The 'new' John McKenna is looking forward to his Cornish future with wiser, more experienced eyes, and it feels good.

He's Home

A year ago today my Husband's body was flown home from Germany to London.

As with all the 'anniversaries', today is a day I will not forget.....

I spent the majority of it in the Funeral Director's office in Honor Oak Park, hoping and praying that the minute John's body touched UK soil the Coroner wasn't going to insist that John be subject to a post mortem......he'd been through more than enough already!

It all turned out 'ok' in the end and John was left in peace.

A few days later I requested to see John.

They refused me.

He'd 'gone too far' and I was advised that it wouldn't be a positive experience and so they denied me access to the man I love.

I was sobbing, practically begging them to let me see him.

I NEEDED to see him, to know it was him, to see with my own eyes that the man everyone was telling me was dead, WAS my man!

They didn't let me.

So.....I ran home, I grabbed photos of him, I ran back.

I didn't tell them he had tattoos so I asked them to tell me if the body had any tattoos, what they were, where they were, and I also asked them to confirm that the handsome man in the pictures I was holding in my shaking hands was John.

They described his tattoos perfectly.

It was him.

At that moment, in that office, my world crashed to the floor.

I stood there and I sobbed and I sobbed and I sobbed.

Not because I got confirmation that he was dead.

Because I would never, ever, ever see him again.

25 Years....

Some of my close friends and family know that recently I have been seriously thinking about moving back to London. It has not been an easy few months here in beautiful Cornwall, not least the issue of finding decent employment. Yes, I did find a good job, but not the right job, and not the right job for me.

It has also been difficult to find some friends down here, mainly due to the lack of job, going out and meeting people, etc, etc. It has been a 'double edged sword' to be honest. However, with the help my god children I have grown to love this place even more than I did when John and I used to visit.

It is starting to feel like home, the locals recognise me and we are now stopping in the street and chatting (gossiping!). 

It feels good.

25 years ago I was a zoo keeper, more specifically, a Bird Keeper.

It was, for me, my chosen career for life.

Sadly, Life decided that it was going to screw up that particular dream and, to cut a very long and boring story short, I never got back into it. But, it remains a hobby and an interest and I've almost always got my head in a bird book - have you seen the Field Guide to Mesozoic Birds? 

Very interesting!

In my relationship with John, friends and family only ever really saw one 'bird person' - John. It was his career, his life, it was also current whereas my 'bird life' was some years previous. Yes we both bird watched but I don't think many really thought of me as an ex bird-keeper.

John and I met at the Yard Bar in Soho. When we arrived at the 'Singles Event' (I wasn't technically single!), we were given a nut and bolt that didn't fit and we had to find our 'match'. Well, not only did our nuts and bolts match, but we matched each other, perfectly I'd say. 

With our matching nuts and bolts, we sauntered off to the bar to get our free ice breaker drink. It was here that John told me what he did for a living and I told him that I was also once a zoo/bird keeper. It turned out that we knew a few people and that our lives had crossed a fair few times. With John in my life I felt like I was still part of the Zoo community, although not working in it. He involved me in his discussions, his events, visiting other collections, etc, etc. As a PA I knew a bit about administration so he got me to do spreadsheets, presentations and documents for him which I thoroughly enjoyed. He made me feel part of it, I was a zoo keeper by proxy....AND I LOVED IT!

Fast forward 25 years from that young man in the picture to today..........

*drum roll*

As of Tuesday 28th May 2013 I will once again be a Bird-Keeper!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
I'm going back to the start, to the career of my dreams, I am officially back in the Zoo community.
I will be a Bird-Keeper at Paradise Park in Hayle, here in beautiful Cornwall.

This is an opportunity that, quite frankly, I would be fucking stupid to give up and so, I am not giving it up. I am grasping it with both hands, feet, everything....this is my new life and I will most definitely be living it.
I will not be returning to London.
Life has handed me a gift on a plate and I am accepting graciously.

The best part - as a Bird Keeper I will feel, while doing my job, that John is with me all the time. He will be in my head telling me what I am doing wrong, what I am getting right and in my heart, making me feel wonderful.

I am excited.
I am very excited.
This is my future.
And there are birds....lots and lots of birds!!!!!!

Celebrating Johnnie!

For the record, John and I have the BEST friends and family in the world!!!!

Here they are - remembering the Man who made all of us sooooooo happy!!!!

Mark, Paul, Kay and Jim celebrating in South East London

Mark, Paul, Kay and Jim's lanterns over South East London

ZSL London Zoo celebrating the Ultimate Curator!

Mark and Aoife (Becks is brewed in Bremen!)

Flowers from Craig in Colorado!

Olivia enjoying a G&T

A candle from Abby

Richard and Sandra's lanterns 

John's eldest son Henry!!!! :-)

Paul, G&T and John's plaque at ZSL London Zoo

The Gang on Marazion Beach

Lawrence helps Ferdi (God Son) with his lantern

Andy and his son let their lanterns go

The ever gorgeous and wonderful Heather

Jo and Andy 'filling up'

Us

One Year On

And here we are, the 1st anniversary of John's untimely death has arrived.

I don't really have words to adequately convey how I feel today.

Instead, I will leave you with a video that a friend prepared when they heard of John's death.

Update Email - 16th May 2012

This morning I said goodbye to the Love of My Life. 

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. 

We will never, ever see him again which is something I can neither compute or come to terms with right now. 

I don't want to believe it. 

I don't want to acknowledge it. 

Why should I? We had such a wonderful life, we HAVE such a wonderful life, how can he be taken away? WHY has he been taken away?

The Boys, I worry so for the Boys. 

I've never really had a Father figure, so to know what it is like to lose one is an alien concept to me. They must be going through such pain, torment and complete sadness. I am, in my own mind, but a sorry substitute for the Mountain of Man that is my Husband, their Father. They know I am and always will be there for them. I also know that they are there for me. But I am not Him, I am not John, I am not the man that raised them into such proud, wonderful, truly talented young men. They are their Father's Sons. He is, always has been and will continue to be so very proud of them. There are huge elements of John in both of them, he will live on through them. This is of course a sort of comfort, but frankly I would just rather he lived. We all would.

So many people will be affected by his death in so many ways, I really don't know where to begin. John is a worldwide phenomenon, the past 4 weeks have proved this with messages of love and support coming from around the globe. Again, it is testament to the Man that he is that he is so very, very popular and loved so very much.

And so I wait. 

The Boys wait. 

We all wait. 

My heart is breaking and that phone call, the call that tells me he has gone, that he is dead, will be the final blow. 

My heart will be broken.

He will be dead and so too will my heart.

I am absolutely dreading living here on my own, if there was a spare room I would draft in some company. Its going to be lonely. Very lonely. Soul destroyingly lonely. 

On a practical note I probably won't be able to afford it anyway and so there will no doubt be yet another life change coming up in the near future. I lose my Husband closely followed by the home we made together......now that's a complete mind fuck!

I want to run away, to hide, to get away from everything and everyone that reminds me of John but I can't bear being away from him. Nothing else in my life matters anymore. However, I must be here for our dogs. I must look after those lovely little pups. I am glad we have them, I need them and their unconditional love and fluffy cuddles. The rest is inconsequential, it means nothing. 

The life, the essence, the zest, the effervescence and complete happiness that lived in this flat has gone, it has left, walked out the door. 

It's in Germany and it is dying.

There is so much to think about, so much to do, to change, to sort. Practical things will need doing, bills will need changing to my name, etc, etc. I will slowly but surely erase his name from our life and revert to just John McKenna, a widowed man, not John McEllis, a happy, VERY HAPPY man married to the bloody amazing, effervescently jovial, joyously incandescent Mr John Ellis!!!!!!! When we met and fell in love he promised me 40 years together, we had a blissful, truly happy and contented 9 years and 6 months of which 2 years and 9 months have been happily married. I will forever cherish the special time we had together. Forever.

Friends and Family, I thank you. 

I thank you for your love, support and thoughts. I am sure that I will need you all over the coming months. I want everyone around me but at the same time I don't want to see anyone, be near anyone, speak to or hear from anyone, but I am craving company. I want to be left alone but I want people to hug me, hold me and tell me it will be ok. 

But you/they can't. 

It won't be ok, it won't change a thing, he will still be gone and me, the Boys and all his friends will still be heartbroken.

I've attached a beautiful picture of the most wonderful Husband, my Husband. I thought you might like to remember him in much, MUCH happier times.

Update Email - 15th May 2012

Dear All,

Not ten minutes after sending out last night's update I received a call from the Critical Care Unit in Bremen.

They called to inform me that John had developed a 'huge' bleed on his brain and that there was extreme pressure. They had taken him for a CT scan and the consultants had consulted. They agreed that there was nothing that could be done for John, it was too serious, too much and (this is the worst bit!) John would not survive. They thought he might be brain dead.

Henry, James and myself flew in this morning and went to see Hubby. We were greeted by the ever lovely but crying Dr Loeschcke who sat with us and informed us of the situation we were facing. Basically, it is a one way street, there is no way out of this one. There is nothing that anyone can do, my Husband, the Boys' Dad is dying. We discussed John, his personality, his ideals and things such as his life support and ultimately organ donorship for which we gave the go ahead.

Tonight, John was assessed for any possible organ transplants. We went down afterwards to see him and we were informed that although his brain IS dying, he is not yet brain dead as he still has minimal perfusion and so no organ harvest can take place and his life support cannot be turned off.

It is with utter heart breaking sadness that I tell you that his brain IS dying. My wonderful Husband, the Love of My Life, Father to Henry and James, Mr John Arthur Ellis will not come out of this, he will not live. They are going to perform today's tests again on Thursday and we will see where we are. This will continue until his brain is officially dead.

We return to the UK in the morning. I have said my goodbyes, if I am honest I have sort of been saying them for almost 4 weeks now. I will not stay here and watch my Husband die, I don't consider that at all healthy and I don't want to. I will wait for him to come home. They give the impression that it's only a matter of days anyway.

I am so very sorry that some of you have had to 'hear' this via email but I don't have everyone's contact details and so cannot tell you properly. I am truly, truly sorry, this is a shit way to find out and I must apologise. I'm so so so sorry.

I will keep you informed as and when we hear.

In the meantime, please feel that you can contact me.....call, text, visits, whatever, just do....please.

Much love,

Me and my wonderful Ellis Boys

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Update Email - 14th May 2012

Dear Family and Friends,

How are you all today?

Firstly, my Hubby. . . . There is no bed again. However, Lewisham have informed Thunderbirds that one of their patients is being transferred to another London hospital, they're just waiting for a bed!!!!! You couldn't make it up! At least things are moving, which hopefully means that Mr Ellis will also be moving some time soon....to London. *watch this space*

He continues to breathe off his ventilator for hours at a time, his numbers are good and he is stable. He has not declined or had anymore 'wobblers' so I am a little more comfortable with being here while he is being comfortable over there....you know what I mean.

Me....?! I went back to work today. It was emotional, tiring, draining, I did not want to be there. I have the best Boss, a very understanding Boss, a Boss who let me sit there and sob and sob and sob. A Boss who constantly tells me that family comes first, don't worry about your job. He's brilliant. The entire day was spent doing very little while at the same time doing a lot of crying, hoping for the positive phone call and re-telling this god awful situation to a steady stream of caring colleagues. I feel mentally and emotionally done in!!! But, it was another hurdle that I have jumped and again I feel a little better than I thought I would. Believe me, I don't feel great at all, but I'm ok.

I think Millie (one of our dogs) is depressed. She exudes a smell that is not her normal loveliness, her fur is less than it's usual silkiness and she just mopes around. John and Millie were joined at the hip and I know, in a dog way, she misses him. It upsets me to think that she's pining for him as there is nothing at all that I can do to make her happy. I am but a sad second to Mr Ellis in Millie's world. Max (the other dog) won't sleep in his bed. I shut the door and he whines, cries and scratches to be let down to the bedroom. So now they sleep in the bedroom on a comfy quilty blanket on the floor next to our bed. He doesn't cry or whine or scratch now. As much as it's not really allowed, having them with me is comforting. It's a cuddle I can have until Hubby comes home. I just wish that Millie smelled nicer......I will bath her at the weekend.

I am off to walk the dogs.

John & John xxxxxxxxxx

P.S. My mobile is still 'blocked'....apparently it takes 5-7 working days to sort out!!!!!

P.P.S. If there is anyone that would prefer to not receive these sort of updates, please do let me know and I will only update you when Mr Ellis is in the UK. I won't be offended, I promise.

Update Email - 13th May 2012

Hello,

Outside it's a sunny, lovely day in South East London.

Inside, it's a tad bleak I'm afraid.

I've just had the call from Thunderbirds and there is no bed. 

Everyday I build myself up, hoping and hoping and hoping that a bed becomes available and so far everyday I have been gutted, disappointed and upset. It is draining, wearing and I am weary.

There is literally nothing anyone can do - apart from the person who is in "John's bed" at Lewisham Hospital. Unfortunately, they have one of two things to do....get well and leave ITU or...........

Everyone is being so lovely, calling/emailing/checking on me/cooking meals, popping in, etc, etc (although I am bloody crap company!). 

I know I have to be strong for John, of that I am and always will be, but being strong for me is proving less than easy. 

My mind is shot to pieces. I have irrational mood swings.

My head is all over the place and I feel as though I am going stir crazy. My stomach is constantly in knots and I always feel sick.

I'm really trying to maintain a positive mind. This is increasingly difficult the longer he is not here in the UK.

I feel such 'guilt' that I am here, in the flat, with the dogs, in familiar surroundings while he is still in Germany. 

I should be with him, holding his hand, mopping his brow, comforting and reassuring him. Deep down, I am bone achingly sad. Everywhere I look and everything I see/touch here is 'him'. 

This is as much a comfort as it is a 'curse'.

I would give anything on this earth to speak with him. I haven't heard his voice for a month. A proper kiss, a hug, a cuddle. 

Something. 

Anything. 

I need him. 

I miss him.

So, as John is not coming home tomorrow I shall return to work - something I look forward to and dread in equal measure.

I have nothing else to say today.

John x

Update Email - 12th May 2012

Hello,

This is London calling!

What a difference a day makes, 24 little hours.....

Wonderful friends Sharon and Alan met me at Stansted and brought me home to the flat. The marvellous Kay and Jim were here with Paul our neighbour to greet me. The dogs were ÜBER excited to see me.....as I was them, but also gut wrenchingly unhappy that I arrived alone. It was a sleepless night, however the pups kept me company and gave the best cuddles.

This morning has been spent in a bit of a "I just don't know what to do with myself" mood (Dusty Springfield eat your heart out!!!). 

I have started the washing.

I've walked the dogs and I am starting to go through all of our post. 

It doesn't feel like home at all.

I am trying to motivate myself.

I don't want to.

I don't want to do anything really.

I want to sit and sob but it won't come now I'm here.

I want to scream and shout but I don't want to upset the dogs (or neighbours!!).

I want to tidy the garden but I worry its not how John would want it (yes, I know this is stupid!).

I want to get on a plane.

I want my Husband so badly, it really does hurt, my head and heart hurt.

This is pretty much how its going to be here now for some time. Just me and the dogs plodding on and getting used to the flat being that bit emptier and less full of life, particularly because John IS the life of this home and our relationship.....he is the glue that holds me and us together. But, it's now my turn to be strong and be the one that holds us together, to bring him home. I will do it, its just going to take rather a lot of adjustment and I am sure there will be a few wobblers from yours truly.....I'm not good with my own company. At. All.

I know I said there would be no more updates, but now that I've done so many I can't stop......I think I need them now. The daily updates will stop eventually, however I will continue to update all of you as and when there is something to tell you about Johnnie and his recovery. I got the call yesterday informing me that he still doesn't have a bed and that they will check again tomorrow for Monday......again I must cross my fingers. At least once he is home I can start thinking a bit more 'normally' as it were. Him being in Germany is killing me.

Also, to rub salt in an already festering wound, my mobile does not work. I can receive calls and texts, I just can't make calls or send texts. Apparently my bill is astronomical and so they have 'locked' my phone or anything outgoing!!!!! I've tried to sort it out and they emailed me their complaint procedure.....helpful!! So, please bear in mind that I cannot respond (at the moment) to any text messages and I cannot call you from my mobile. I have the house phone and John's mobile in an emergency until this mess is sorted out.

I've attached a picture of John that I took yesterday so that you can see how well he's looking, let's hope the handsome bugger is in Lewisham next week.

I'm off to mow the "lawn"......

Much love 

John & John

xxxxxxxxxxx

(I'm not publishing the above mentioned picture.....it's not appropriate now)

Update Email - 11th May 2012

Good morning All,

I crawled out of bed this morning feeling sick to my stomach after having spent almost an entire night fretting over the right decision to make. Should I stay or should I go?! (there's a song there somewhere!).

I'm coming home tonight on the 10pm Ryanair flight to London Stansted.

I don't mind admitting that I am sobbing like a girl just knowing that he will still be here when I am not, however as a very special man said to me, "you're not leaving him, you're preparing for his arrival".....This is indeed true, however it doesn't stop the enormous guilt I feel. The Gods were trying to tell me something this morning, the cereal I normally have has gone, the duck that was nesting outside John's window has up and left and my deodorant has now run dry.....signs?!?!?!

I would say it will be nice to be home but nice is not the right word, it will be easier to cope being in familiar surroundings, the dogs, our friends and family.

No news from Thunderbirds yet (its only 10:20am in the UK right now) however the ever amazing Dr Wattenberg (he who worked at Lewisham Hospital!) has already been on the phone to them giving them 'emotional blackmail and pressure'....let's hope it pays off for John today. His figures are absolutely fine, apart from being very hot and sweaty - the steroids always make him sweat a lot. Other than that he's just waiting to be flown home to begin his recovery and rehabilitation.

Now, when I am home the daily updates are going to cease, I will only be updating our families. I will be returning to work, home life, dogs, friends, and most importantly seeing John in Lewisham and so daily emails are not going to be at the top of my agenda. Any future videos will be uploaded to the YouTube account that you all have the link to view. If you would like to know how John is doing please, please feel free to contact me and ask. You can do so via my email address, you can call or text my mobile or you can call me at home. I would love to hear from any/all of you so please, if you would like to, stay in contact.

Also, when John is in Lewisham there will need to be some sort of visiting 'structure' in place and I would like it to be coordinated through me. Visiting hours in the ITU are 10am to midday and 4pm to 8pm. They only allow 2 people at any one time to be with a patient. So if you would like to visit, please check in with me to make sure there isn't an army of people already descending upon his bedside!!!!! It goes without saying that priority will always go to our Sons, Henry and James and John's immediate family. Everyone else, please form an orderly queue......thank you for your understanding. 

Should any of you visit and are not in London, I would love you to come and stay at the flat. We only have a little bed settee in the lounge (which you will most definitely have to share with our dogs Max and Millie!!!) but the offer is there so please do ask me. Just don't expect me to cook - can't, shan't and won't.

I think that's it for now.

I'm off to try and fit three bags into two so that the evil Ryanair Bag Police don't charge me an arm and a leg!!!

This is Bremen signing off.

The Johns are COMING HOME!!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Update Email - 10th May 2012

Greetings Friends,

It has been a wet day in Bremen. 

Much rain has fallen, most of it on mine and Mark's heads as we wandered off for various walks during the day.....we got well and truly soaked a couple of times. However, it was actually rather pleasant, it may be raining cats and dogs but it is warm. I sit here now at almost 11pm with the window wide open and it's lovely......almost a summer's eve if it wasn't for the darn rain!!!

As mentioned above, Mark (one of the Zoo Boys) has been with me today, he leaves tomorrow. It's nice for him to return as he can see just how much Johnnie has changed in the past 3 weeks....it was 3 weeks today that this all started. How times flies when you're not having fun!!!

Mr Ellis continues to be astonishing, as is his way! This morning we visited him and once again he was off the ventilator. I think in total he has breathed unaided for approximately THREE hours today.....yes, three hours with no ventilator at all. He truly is astonishing. It wasn't three hours in one go, it was staggered over a couple of episodes. As previously mentioned it really does tire him so as soon as he's back on the ventilator he sleeps. A well deserved kip if you ask me.

We had a small 'scare' today. John has shared his room with a variety of other patients over the past 3 weeks. The first man awoke from his coma and decided to throw himself from his bed, receiving a black eye and a bloody nose in the process. He was quickly placed in a ' straight jacket' and was never seen again. Then we had 'Nads Patel', an Asian gentleman who insisted upon showing his 'nads' to all and everyone that entered the room! Following him was Herr Weiss (A very white man!). He disappeared yesterday, we know not why. Last night a new man came, a man with MRSA!!!!! We did not know this until we tried to visit John this afternoon when we were asked to don masks, gloves, hair nets, gowns and sloosh ourselves in alcohol gel before they would let us in his room. Hubby had a blood test for MRSA today and the results came back at 6pm.....he is negative....*phew*. One less thing for him to have to deal with and one less thing that I must worry about.

As you will no doubt appreciate, because I am updating you it means we are still in Germany (oh joy!). We did not get a bed in Lewisham today. Hopefully tomorrow one will become available....once more I find myself gutted and disappointed and there have been just a few tears of frustration!

All along I have said that I would not go home without him and I stand by that decision. However.....because I know that he IS coming home (it's just a matter of days) I am seriously debating getting the night flight home tomorrow night and spending the weekend preparing for his arrival in London (and having my meltdown in private). This decision is a hard one as, stupid as it might sound, I feel enormous guilt, I feel I'm going back on my word to him that I would not go without him and I worry that the bed situation will be delayed by days meaning he will be here, in Germany, without me. Common sense dictates that there is nothing I can do now, it's all down to one thing, the bed, we KNOW he's coming home, we just don't have the definitive day. He is being expertly looked after here by the lovely, marvellous, wonderful doctors and nurses in ITU so I have no worries on that score, it's purely my own feelings. My heart feels like a push-me-pull-you. 

I guess I just need my Hubby to tell me it's ok to go as he will be following right behind......but he can't tell me and I don't want to tell him because I don't want him to be distressed or worry or hurt or scared which is exactly all the feelings I am going through!!!

I'll decide in the morning......maybe the decision will be made for us. 

We can only hope.

Goodnight.

Mr & Mr McEllis

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Update Email - 9th May 2012

Hello Everyone,

Bremen is wet, stormy but warm. 

From my open hotel room window I am watching the rain pitter patter, I can hear the rumblings of distant thunder while squabbling Jays fight outside in the silver birch trees....they are such beautiful birds, it's a shame their vocals don't match how they look!

Post breakfast I made my way to Johnnie's bedside with a little spring in my step after having had yesterday's news. I got there and he was off his ventilator and ended up being without it for 45 minutes. He had already been off the ventilator at 7am this morning so already today he has done extremely well. He will have another go this afternoon and possibly one more before bedtime.....I cannot tell you how proud I am of him. Following his mammoth bout of no ventilator he promptly fell asleep and so, as always, I took this as my queue to leave. I made the decision to visit Bremen city and have a mooch around the shops for a couple of hours while I wait and wait and wait for the phone to ring.

I returned to my Hubby mid afternoon to find him quiet, comfortable and half asleep. The drugs he is on are still making him sweat and so my main job is official brow mopper. I wish there was so much more that I could do for him, however this will have to do for now until he is back in our flat (and getting on my nerves!)... ;-)

Whilst I was with John I received a visit from Dr. Wattenberg, his physician. A really, REALLY nice man who, bizarrely used to work in Lewisham Hospital ITU, a coincidence I can assure you I did not see coming! He informed me that Thunderbirds had called and John would be going home possibly tomorrow but if not then definitely Friday. You can imagine my response.....running around hugging everyone, thanking them, kisses, teary eyes (them, not me!) etc, etc. I had already decided that as soon as we knew when he was going home I would fly back the day before if possible to arrange 'stuff' in London. So, I practically flew back to the hotel to try and book a flight home tomorrow morning.

I have not booked my flight.

I received a call from Thunderbirds.

Due to an apparent miscommunication there is no definite bed in Lewisham at the moment. There 'might' be one tomorrow but as of right now there isn't. 

We are not coming home yet.

I.

Am.

Gutted.

I could honestly scream my lungs out right now and have a right proper tantrum, I really could. To go through that elation followed by utter disappointment is frustrating, to put it politely. John really needs to be in London, he needs to start his rehabilitation. I also feel guilty as hell because I told my Hubby he was going home in a day or so. Lets hope its still going to be so! 

Three weeks in Germany is enough, I want him home, in London, being treated, given therapy, rehabilitated. Enough said.

And last but not least, I need to be in the UK.....keeping a lid on my emotions is now proving difficult for me. I'm like a powder keg but I can't light the fuse until I am at home.

Unless something amazing happens with John or Thunderbirds come back to me and say we are going there won't be an update tonight. This is it for today.

Thank you for listening.

Disappointed of Bremen and his handsome, wonderful, SuperHero Hubby

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