Communication

At the moment, there are days when I can't remember my own name never mind things I have said or done in the past few months.

Soon after John died the Boys came over to see me. 

James, the youngest, is a landscape gardener and I asked him if he would re-turf the area of the back garden where the hens used to be. 

Of course, being his Dad's son, he said yes.

Today the lawn is being re-turfed.

Not by James.

I decided that I wanted the entire garden done, not just the area where the chickens had been. So, I went with it, I just wanted it done and out of the way.

I got a quote, employed a 'man that can' and it's now on it's way to looking lovely.

I forgot to tell James what I was doing.

I posted a couple of pictures of the transforming garden on to Facebook.

James and I had a brief text conversation.

I feel like shit now.

To clarify, James has not made me feel like this. 

I have.

Because I didn't tell him.

I also find myself moping around the flat.

I open a cupboard, a drawer, his wardrobe. 

I close them again.

I can't be bothered.

With anything.

Today, I just want to sit and cry.

Today I miss him a lot.

I have guilt about having the garden re-turfed - again, it's another element of removing John from our home.

I have guilt there's a strange man in the garden, in our home.

I have guilt about my non-communication with James.

I have guilt about buying new cushions and bedding.

I have guilt about buying new shoes.

I have guilt because I keep taking everything out on Max - he barks, I bark louder.

I have guilt because I am alive and John's not.

I have guilt because I'm "moving on" with my life.

I have guilt.

But no Husband.

I am trying, REALLY trying to be positive but the Demons in my head have got a firm grip on me and are dragging me down.


This song, a favourite of mine and John's has been on repeat for some time.....loudly (sorry neighbours). 
It sort of encapsulates exactly how I feel, how things are, how Iife is in our home.
Not exactly happy.

Tonight, I am going out with good friends for dinner and a drink (or 4).
I hope they're prepared.

Should be interesting!