32 Days

That's how long you've been dead my darling Hubby - 32 long, lonely, sad days.

I have cried every single day since you fell ill on 19th April and I am sure I will cry more. Some days I have sobbed and sobbed, some days just the odd tear, but cry I have and cry I will. The loss of you can be completely intolerable and there are times when I struggle to breathe, let alone get on with life. But as you used to say, life goes on so get on with life. 

I have moments when all I can do is think of you, look for you, want you, need you. I want to talk to you. I have GOT to talk to you. We haven't had a conversation since the day you fell ill. There are important things I need to discuss, things that I have to decide and I can't make these decisions without your advice, your permission, your say so. I'm making changes and I need to know they're the right ones, for me, for the dogs, for you and me.
Friends and family cannot help me, I need YOU!

I look for you everywhere but I don't see you anywhere at all. I am surrounded by our life but it feels like I am a lodger in our own home. I'm trying to change it a little bit so that it doesn't feel like I am in a 'John Ellis Museum' but I feel guilty for doing it, terribly guilty. Is it too soon or am I doing the right thing??? I don't know, it doesn't feel right or wrong, just weird.


Last night I moved a picture in the bedroom and I sobbed because it's not where you wanted it. Here I am whining and moaning that I am 'deleting' you, removing you from the household administration and I am doing the self same thing to our home, I am slowly 'deleting' you, making it my home, not our home. 
I feel so horrible inside, it makes me feel dreadful.
I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.

 

Why is it that I don't speak to you now you're in the flat? 
Perhaps because I don't think it's you in that container.....perhaps it is but I don't "feel it". 
I only speak to you when I'm walking the dogs, maybe because that's where we did our 'talking', where we put the world to rights, shared our days at work, moaned and bitched, got excited about future travel plans, seed choices for the allotment, told each other 'I Love You'. I WANT to feel you in the flat, I want to know you're here with me, I NEED to know you're here with me. Is it wrong to say that I want you to 'haunt' me? it sounds stupid saying it. Believe me, I don't want the whole Demi Moore/Patrick Swayze thing going on, the clay would ruin my clothes and the laminate flooring, but please, if you're around, make your presence felt......PLEASE!

I've never NOT talked so much in my entire life. 
You're not here to talk to. 
Max and Millie are great cuddlers, but they're not so great at conversation! 
People call, text, email and visit but they're not you. No disrespect to our wonderful friends and family but I want to talk to you. 
Sometimes I have a feeling of 'not wanting to burden them with my grief', I feel I have to be upbeat and jolly, not cry, not be sad, not lose it. It doesn't serve me (or them) any positive purpose.......does it/would it? 
Who knows the right answer. 
I don't have any answers anymore.