Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes......

I thought I was getting somewhere with the making of decisions. 
Deciding and changing, changing and deciding.


In fact I'm not. 
Getting anywhere that is.


Instead, I find myself making decisions and then they bounce around in my head for a bit and one day I wake up and think "No, that's not what I think I will do now". 
It's getting most frustrating, almost tiresome, indeed it's wearing me down.





Decisions I thought I had made have now been unmade and put back on the shelf for further thought and consideration. There were, I say WERE, definite decisions I had made for mine and the dogs futures, they were firmly set in my head and that was how it was going to be. 


No longer.


Once again, I KNOW it's only early days and John has not been gone long and perhaps I shouldn't be making decisions yet - but grief affects everyone differently does it not, so why should I be any different? 
But this is how I do things. 
I'm a PA (let's not forget Britain's 2nd best PA!!!). 
I organise, arrange, file, sort, order, complete. 
I don't mull over things, make decisions and then un-decide them.
I don't faff about. 
I decide. 
I do.
A place for everything and everything in it's place.
I WILL HAVE ORDER!


This un-decision making is not me. 
IT'S NOT ME!


I'm of the opinion that I am possibly trying so hard to make so many decisions that perhaps, just maybe I should stop trying so hard and stop making any decisions at all.


Life is like a river.....I need to float down that river and see where the current takes me, I don't know what's around the river bend (Good god I sound like Pocahontas!), perhaps it's something good, something positive and perhaps (stop saying perhaps!!) I should just let Life make the decisions for me.....
Life took the decision to take John from me (I'll never forgive Life for that little corker!).
Life is making ALL the decisions.


Life, I am at your mercy......be gentle with me, I am broken-hearted, fragile, afraid and scared.