Fading Away

I can feel it you know, I can.....


I can feel my wonderful marriage, what is now essentially my previous life, slowly (not that slowly either) but surely fading away. Things are-a-changing and I have no control over them whatsoever, they have to change. 
It is inevitable.






John's financial responsibilities/debtors (of which there are many!!!!) have all been informed. The household bills have all been changed to solely my name. He has been 'deleted', removed from our life and it's now just my life. 
No longer us, no longer a marriage, no longer a partnership, it is just me. 
I am now single.
How completely and utterly fucking depressing is that?! 


One must 'start again' and I have to say, one really, REALLY does not want to. I'm not talking about men/relationships here (not yet!), I'm talking about life in general. I have to start doing everything on my own.
Going out/socialising alone.
Shopping alone.
Walking the dogs alone.
Tending to the garden alone. 
Living in our home alone. 
Sleeping alone. 
Alone, alone, ALONE!


When I come home from work there are two fabulously waggy little bums who greet me at the front door. I love the dogs I do, BUT.....they're not great conversationists and I really would like to have a conversation with my Husband. 


I want to tell him about my day.
I want to hear about his day.
I want to pour him a G&T/glass of chilled dry white wine.
I want to tell him I'm madly in love with him.
I want to tell him he looks damn handsome and I want to rip his clothes off.
I want to tell him to stop farting. 
But I cannot.
Ever again.
Ever.


I've drunk too much wine.
I should go to bed.


If only I was going to bed with John....if only!