Beans Means Tears

Today, it has been dismal, both outside and in my head. 

I awoke early ish and took the dogs out for a wet, rain soaked walk over the park. Mornings are, as I have said to people many times, the worst for me. Mornings are when I am most definitely 'swimming through cement' and it takes some time for me to 'warm up'. Each and every morning I wake up to remember that John is dead.

Our lovely friends, Mark and Paul, invited me to go and see Prometheus with them. I was umming and arring about going. To be honest, I just couldn't be bothered but I knew that if I stayed at home I would mope around and achieve very little. Due to the poor weather I couldn't even use the garden as an excuse, nor could I claim to have other things to do. I didn't.

So we went.

We had brunch in Browns in Canary Wharf and a mooch around the Shopping Centre - I didn't like it, it was too cramped, low ceilings and narrow. It must be Hell when all the City-types are at work during the week.

*SPOILER ALERT* 

For those that are interested, Prometheus is all hype and very little substance. Yes, the effects, especially in 3D are incredible, but the film is a poor 'Alien' film.....not great, it didn't live up to the hype for me. It is also a dark, depressing film filled with much Death. Maybe not the best choice at the moment.....never mind!

We all needed some provisions from a supermarket and so, on the way home, we stopped off at Sainsbury's near the O2. The supermarket looks like the Telly Tubby House, very low, domed and Eco-friendly. If it wasn't so confusing to get there I'd go there regularly, almost a pleasure to shop in.....for a supermarket!

Whilst shopping, I had a moment.

I have recently been guilty of buying tins of sausages and beans or meatballs and beans, which John would hate, the only reason being that they are easy, I can't be bothered preparing 'stuff'!!!!! This afternoon I was walking down the baked beans aisle, perusing the fully stocked shelves, as you do, when I thought to myself, "Has it really come to this? Am I really eating this crap? What would John think of this?". 

And so I stood there and cried, in the baked beans aisle of a Sainsbury's supermarket. 

I must have looked like a nutter!

You'll be pleased to hear that I did not buy any tins of beans and sausages/meatballs.....I still have a few tins in the cupboard.

As well as feeling the loss of John, I was also having feelings of anger and my green-eyed monster was rearing it's ugly head - Mark and Paul were there with me doing their shopping and I was so absolutely jealous that they could walk around together, talk to each other, question purchases, touch each other. When I went shopping with John I used to walk around the supermarket with my hand on his shoulder or arm.....sometimes I'd give his cute bum a squeeze if I was feeling particularly cheeky and those beautiful blue eyes of his would sparkle with Husbandly love and affection and I'd get a handsome grin and he'd tell me he loved me.

For me, shopping for one is not a happy experience and I am sure it will not be happy for some time. It reminds me that I am alone, a singleton, something I did not think I would ever be again and something I truly DO NOT WANT TO BE! 

My entire future was based around being John's Hubby, his partner, his lover, his friend, for life, no question.