The Monster Under The Stairs

We have a cupboard under the stairs. It's where the vacuum cleaner and iron are kept. 

It's also where all our shoes are stored.

Every time I go in there I am greeted by John's shoes.

They were starting to really piss me off.

I have just got rid of them.

I have wondered for a while what I should do with them, knowing that the moment was building within me when I would say to myself "Enough is enough, they've got to go!". 

I decided that I didn't want them going to a charity shop - would I want to see my Husband's shoes on another local man's feet? No I bloody well would not!

I have 'recycled' a couple of pairs for me - he has a pair of hardly used trainers that I will use for cycling and there are some lovely shoes that are hardly worn which I will wear, and every time I do, I will think of him.

It wasn't a process I particularly enjoyed it has to be said. It's just another element of John that is leaving me, being removed from my/our life. Slowly but surely he is being 'deleted', less and less of him is around me and I truly HATE it! Yes, yes (before you say it) I know I have memories, material things and photographs to remind me of him but I don't have JOHN. Memories and photographs cannot be hugged, kissed, cuddled or made love to, can they? They don't give any form of comforting emotional attachment, they're just a memory or a photograph or a material thing, nothing more. They remind me he is not here, that I can't hug him, kiss him, love him, touch him. You can't have a conversation, a laugh, an argument with a 'thing'.

I'm sorry but memories and photographs and material things are doing fuck all for me, absolutely fuck all.

Everything in our home reminds me of him but they're not physically him.

I want John, I need John. 

Pure and simple.

And before anyone says "You have him with you now".....

I frigging well don't! 

As far as I am concerned, all I have is a container with some remains in that I cannot believe are him. They're not him, they're not John, they're not my Husband.

I want the big burly bear of a man I fell in love with, not some fucking dust!





However, in the grand scheme of things I am doing ok. Don't get me wrong, the above words ring very true for me at the moment, but I do feel ok. I have my moments, which for the most part, I keep to myself. I prefer to 'lose it' in private if I can. I'm not a fan of letting go with or around people, it feels silly and makes me think I am being 'weak'. 
John wouldn't want me being upset and crying all the time, so I try not to....for him. 
Because I love him. 
Because I will always love him.
Always and forever.
Without question.