Post No. 1

My name is John.


I am 42 years old. 


I am a widower.

My incredible Husband, also called John (Johnnie to his mates and family, to me he was and will always be Wolfie), died on 17th May 2012 - the worst day of my entire life. We had been together for 9 and a half years, 3,477 days to be exact. We were married on 15th August 2009 - the most amazing day of my entire life.

We were a very happy, totally in love couple, with many adventures ahead, sailing the wave of life, until our ship was well and truly sunk!

John wasn't ill, there were no signs that he was in any way poorly. One minute he was giving a presentation at a Zoo conference in Germany and the next, on Thursday 19th April 2012, he experienced chest pains. They realised very quickly that something was seriously wrong and helicoptered him to a hospital in Bremen. He had an Aortic Dissection and needed immediate surgery. He had a heart and lung bypass that evening to try and repair the rupture. The next day he developed a bleed. That night, 24 hours after the first bypass he had another.

It did not go well.

He had so many transfusions that his lungs went into trauma (TRALI - Transfusion-related Acute Lung Injury).

There was an oxygen supply issue to his brain.

He had a stroke - both sides of his brain were damaged, the left more so....we were prepared for the worst.

He survived the operation and spent the next two weeks in a sedative induced coma. I was by his bedside everyday, joined by family and friends throughout. 

They started bringing him out of the coma so that they could assess the level of damage to his brain. He could move his limbs minimally, more so the left side of his body than his right. He could move his head. We don't know if he could speak as he had a tracheotomy. I don't think he could see. He reacted to voice more than movement. He started 'improving' and so we started thinking about bringing him home to the local hospital ITU, followed by a Neuro Rehab Unit.

I came home on Friday 11th May 2012 to prepare for his homecoming. 

How I wish I had never NEVER left him.

I got a call at home in the evening on Monday 14th May 2012 direct from the Critical Care Unit in Bremen (I knew it was bad!). They told me that John started declining on SATURDAY morning and went downhill from there. 

He had developed a bleed on his brain. 

A bleed that was causing huge pressure. 

A bleed that they could do nothing about.

A bleed that would kill him.

A bleed that did kill him.

The Love of my Life, Mr John Ellis, was pronounced dead at approximately 7.30am on Thursday 17th May 2012 at the age of 53.

John's funeral was two days ago, Thursday 31st May 2012 at 3.15pm. 

I like to think that we gave him a bloody good send off.

I will forever dislike Thursdays. John was born on a Thursday so I am told. He fell ill on a Thursday, died on a Thursday, was flown home on a Thursday and was cremated on a Thursday. They say Thursday's Child has far to go.....his job took him around the world so perhaps there's something to be said for Thursdays!!!

I am now alone. I have our two dogs and friends and family but at home, in OUR home, I am alone. The flat was once full of life, love, laughter and happiness. Now it's silent, sad, lonely and all you hear is my crying or the angry outbursts I find so difficult to control - the number of times I have wanted to smash every single glass, vase and window is ridiculous!

He's dead...he's FUCKING DEAD and I absolutely HATE IT with every cell of my body. 

HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT

He is no longer here, only our life, his clothes, our memories, photographs, but he is not here to hold, kiss, hug, cuddle, touch, talk to. 

There is no love in our bed, only sobbing (and two small dogs!).

I cannot see him.

I cannot feel him.

I cannot look forward to him coming home from work.

I cannot call his mobile phone.

I cannot email or text him to tell him I love him.

I cannot pour him a large G&T or a chilled dry white wine.

I cannot run my hands over his lovely chest.

Now, before you say "But he's always going to be with you"........Yes, in many ways I will always have John with me but the stark reality of life is that I sit here alone. A number of friends have suggested that I seek 'grief counselling'. I've been down the counselling route before and it did diddley squat for me quite frankly. Any talking I need to do I can do with family and friends - they are much better 'counsellors' in my mind because they knew John, they know me and so they know us. Oh, and please, PLEASE do not tell me that 'Time is great healer'.....I am liable to rip your head off and shit down your neck if you do!

This blog will be my own personal, very honest, sometimes painfully honest counselling. While I was in Germany with John I wrote email updates every night and emailed them to approximately 70 people who then forwarded them on to others who were worried about him. A fair few suggested that I write for a living. Well, perhaps this is me taking your advice and writing......but I choose to write about my Husband, my/our life, my future. I might not post for days or weeks or there may be more than one post a day, but post I will, as and when I have things to say, questions to ask and answers that I need to find.


http://www.justgiving.com/In-Memory-of-John-Ellis