Good evening Family and Friends,
Tonight I shall commence with a serious bit I'm afraid and I am going to be painfully honest with you all.....these moments will not rear their head often but I hope this is in some way cathartic for me......I emailed the following thought to a friend earlier however I'm not ashamed to share!
I'm really struggling mentally.
Every morning I wake and I go through such dread and worry. I am having major homesickness, in fact it's Life Sickness, I miss our Life and wish every day that I could turn back time (and now I am channeling Cher!!!!). Each night I go to bed full of dread and worry for the next day and what it might hold....my stomach is in constant knots, I feel sick all the time, I really am not sleeping at all well. Its like a horror version of Groundhog Day!!!
I would give anything to have a hug with my Husband and my Dogs right now, anything.
There is the huge guilt I feel about our friends upping their lives and living in our home to look after our dogs and chickens for us.
Talking of chickens, the chicks are due to hatch next weekend. I'm worried about it but hopefully I have a solution. But I still worry.
There's the bills that might not have been paid in John's absence.
My employer is being very understanding (my Boss is wonderful!) but will I have a job to return to in the UK and will we have enough money??? I don't know how long I can stay here but on the other hand I am most definitely not leaving him here in Germany!
I just want him home in the UK - the language barrier is especially draining, we are all trying so hard to communicate but it is oh so difficult.
I feel such guilt about people giving up their lives to come and see John, be with me, etc, etc.
I have darker thoughts, thoughts about the damage to John's brain which scare the living bejesus out of me.
Will he know who he is?
Will he know me when he finally wakes?
Will he WANT me when he wakes?
If the stroke damage is severe how will he cope?
The thoughts and worry and dread and fear and anxiety and stress are endless, they really are. Each and every day I have to dig deeper to find the strength to walk down that bloody horrible corridor to the critical care unit and utter the words "Ich bin John Ellis's partner" and hope they let me in straight away - if they ask me to take a seat I worry that they're coming to tell me bad news, the worst news, that there's something else wrong, etc, etc. I worry ALL the time, literally all the time, my head is fit to exploding and I want it all to stop!
There are rare moments when I just want to run away because I simply cannot compute or digest it all. Then I have huge guilt for feeling that way which then upsets me, so I cry, then I get angry, depressed, it's a never ending circle!
But in comparison to what my man is going through these thoughts and fears, worry and anxiety are but a plop in the ocean which again makes me feel guilty and useless and pathetic.
Anyway, if I carry on I will just sit here and sob my heart out, a heart that is partially broken but must try to remain strong for the Love of My Life.
Today Mag and I assisted in washing him. He was rather hot this afternoon so we stripped his bed clothes off and gave him a wash with luke warm peppermint tea which smelt amazing and cooled his skin. Following this, we assisted with his proper face wash, teeth clean, etc, etc. It was a little upsetting when they turned him left or right because he is still unconscious predominantly and does not know what is going on, so his face will scrunch up and his pulse and blood pressure will rise very quickly which then panics me. However, we got through it.....not sure I will "help" wash him too often!!!
The good news today is that his right arm, which has not moved at all for some time, moved! So we now know he has the ability to move all four limbs. When I say movement, it means more of a large twitch than a full on swing of the arm, leg, etc but it's progress. He opens both eyes at the same time, although he doesn't actually see us yet, it's just eyelids opening. He can also move his head and partially open his mouth.
I am off to bed now, to lie there all night, to worry about everything and hope that my man comes back to me soon.....because I really cannot tell you all just how much I am missing him.
Love from us both,
Him & Me
xxxxxxxxx
No comments:
Post a Comment