Evening Greetings to the Johnnie Ellis Army from HQ in deepest Germany.
It has not been a great day today, it has to be said.
It started ok, with Mr Ellis moving his left leg, althought his nurse Tania thought it may have been connected with him experiencing some pain in the leg.
After my initial Good Morning to my Hubby I was greeted with "Mr McKenna, we think you should go". A long winded pigeon english/German conversation took place and what they wanted me to do was go and have a bit of time out, away from the hospital for a few hours. They made sure that I had a project while I was out as they asked me to buy Johnnie some trainers to wear as he is now getting 'foot drop' and his feet urgently need some sort of support. I'm now allowed to wash him and so I added some lovely shower gel to the list and off I went to Bremen City, not a pretty place at all!
While I was there I went into the big cathedral that looms over the square. I am not a man of Faith, I have never been and I doubt ever will be, however my Man needs all the help he can get right now, so in I went and tried to connect with every known deity I could possibly think of. I lit a candle and spent pounds rather than the advised pence being of the opinion that my added generosity would get Johnnie ahead in the queue and one or more of the 'Almighty Beings' would recognise my giving a bit extra and answer my prayers, or so I hoped.
While I was out Johnnie was taken upstairs to Radiology for a contrast and a CT scan of his brain. His kidneys are so impaired that he cannot cope with an entire body contrast and so only his bottom half was done today. They have confirmed that he does have perfusion in his legs and they are no longer a major issue. Yes they are still an issue but not a major one, there are major-er things to worry about! He will probably have the top half contrast done tomorrow. His kidneys will most definitely be affected and so he will also probably need to go back on dialysis but as we all know, dialysis is not a worry.
So....the CT scan.
This bit gets decidedly uncomfortable for me.
My one HUGE dread was brain damage.
The CT scan has confirmed that John does have brain damage. He has two small areas on one side of his brain and a larger area on the other side which have been damaged in the second operation last Friday night.
Thinking positively, as we must, we cannot begin to quantify how this damage will affect him. Only once he is awake and functioning will we know. He may well have stroke symptoms and be a little slow, maybe a little paralysis, loss of speech, etc, etc, etc, we just do not know. Yes, we have been told he most probably has brain damage we just don't know how much or how it will affect him.
I had a mini meltdown today, I'm not ashamed to say. Why him, why Johnnie, the most life-loving, effervescent, bubbly, happy man I have ever known in my entire life. WHY??????? It's not f*cking fair and I absolutely seriously f*cking hate this with every molecule of my being. Just when I think I am all out of crying and being upset I get some more news or information that sets me off. I'm going through so many emotions on a daily basis my body doesn't know whether to crash or slap myself in the face. I miss him, I really, REALLY, REALLY miss him and I can't cuddle him or hold him, there's no two way conversations taking place and I admit that today, after the CT news, I just lost it.
This is now a Call to Arms.......I implore you, members of the Johnnie Army, to please, please, please, PLEASE send all your positive thoughts, love and life-giving energy to him, I cannot tell you how much he needs it. He is doing so very well on his own, I am so proud of how much he has already achieved.....and I cannot believe that this all started a week ago, it feels like I have been here for months!
The Zoo Boys have been incredible, especially today - I can recommend a hug from Adrian, not quite in the Husband League but a dam good second place! As for 'Habbers', he has been strong and constant, ready to give support at a moment's notice - they are true Stars! I am only disappointed that they must leave on Friday, I will seriously miss them, their support and their hugs. I hope they can come back to Johnnie very, VERY soon. I think them being here has also helped Johnnie as they have been visiting him and speaking to him, holding his hands and generally being bloody Top Men!! Ellis would be proud!
It's almost midnight here so I am going to try and get some rest.
I know that these updates are also helping you to know what is going on here, as well as helping me in a cathartic sort of way. There may be the odd day when I don't update - there may not be anything to update, I might not be in the mood, it may be too uncomfortable, etc, etc so please (without taking offence) don't think I am going to do this every single day.....I might do, but then I might not (and if I don't, please don't panic and think that there is something wrong and start phoning and texting......please).
I will leave you all with a picture of the candle that I lit for the most wonderful Husband in the World....MY Husband.....did you know he's amazing?! :-)
Night night
John & Johnnie
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