Sunday, 8 July 2012

Sunshine with some showers....

I am the polar opposite of our current weather.

It's rain, rain, rain and a hint of sunshine.
I have been, for a few days now, sunshine with a hint of showers.
I have, for the most part, been feeling almost 'good'.

I had a small wobble yesterday when I was looking for a suitable picture of us both to go on Facebook as my 'Happy Pride' pic. 
Each picture just made me cry.

I still long for and miss John every single day.
I go to bed thinking of him.
I wake up thinking of him.
But it's starting to feel a little 'easier'.
Perhaps, because I have the normality and routine of work and such wonderful supportive family and friends I am finding it easier to cope....perhaps. 
I hope so.

And let's not forget my wonderful little dogs who smother me with love, hugs and waggy bums. They make me feel better every single day (when I'm not shouting at them of course!!!).

John has only been gone since mid May, and I am very aware that it's early days for us all.
Can you believe nearly a quarter of a year has passed since the day John fell ill???? 
But the days are definitely starting to feel a little more comfortable.

I had a 'moment' in the car this morning. I was on my way home from a shop at Sainsburys. 
I was listening to Madonna's "I'm Addicted", a song I really, REALLY like. 
I was singing along and 'dancing' in my seat. 
I was almost happy, enjoying myself even and then I realised what I was doing.
All of a sudden I felt huge guilt, an overwhelming wave of guilt.
I cried.

Guilt will be with me for some time methinks. 
Everytime I move something, get rid of something, buy something, etc I feel guilty.
There ain't nuffin' I can do about it....I just have to work my way through it....swim through that cement a little bit harder!
But it will get easier, I know this....

It's already started......(this song makes me shake my booty big time!!!!)...

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