I came home early today.
I couldn't do it.
Motivation was non existent.
I was uninterested in my job.
My head wasn't there anyway.
As ever, my truly supportive, brilliant Boss has been nothing but a truly supportive and brilliant Boss!
I spent much of the night awake, tossing and turning.
When I did sleep I was having nightmares.
Horrid, nasty nightmares that took place in the critical care unit in Bremen.
My head and heart are well and truly fucked at the moment.
I've gone back to being on the verge of crying at any and every opportunity.
Yesterday evening I took the dogs for a walk through the park as I do.
I spoke to John, again as I pretty much always do.
I heard myself say out loud "I just want to hold your hand, I miss holding your hand".
From that moment on I cried, sobbed.
Even now, typing it is making me cry.
Holding John's hand made me feel really safe, really secure and of course really happy.
I wasn't very good at it in public for fear of 'attack' from those more prejudice than myself but I loved it when I did.
I don't feel safe anymore.
I don't feel secure anymore.
I don't feel 'me' anymore.
I'm not John McEllis anymore.
I don't know where he is.
He is lost.
Lost in the black suffocating pitch of Death's cloak.
I know there are going to peaks and troughs....today is most definitely a trough day.
I know that.
I most definitely know that.
Every fucking day is a peak and trough day.
Every hour is a peak and trough hour.
Every minute is a peak and trough minute.
My sad little life is full of sad peaks and troughs!
I'm crazy in love with a dead person.
My head knows John is dead (allegedly) but my broken, smashed and bleeding heart still pumps for John, only for John.
It has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world.