It's Not Getting Any Easier

It is 3 months to the day that John fell ill.

Germany feels like a dim and distant nightmare. 

Like it didn't really happen and I imagined the whole thing. 

I wish I HAD imagined the whole thing, at least if I had John would not be dead. 

The Boys would have their Dad and I would have my Husband.

It is also 2 months to the day that John died.

I have longed for, missed him and cried every day, every single day.

Some days I feel ok, but, for the most part, I don't. 

I haven't felt right since he fell ill.

I feel rotten, lost, unhappy, depressed and unable to process my future.

I have worries, there are things I am unsure of and I just don't have the capacity to think about them, never mind deal with them.

My standard response is "I can't be bothered"......

This morning I went to the Zoo to meet with John's colleagues to discuss how the money raised on his Just Giving web page should be spent......it's all very exciting and I would like to thank each and every one of you who gave so generously......you WILL be helping ZSL and the people of Nepal to save asian vultures from extinction! 

Thank you!

If you would like to donate, click the link:

http://www.justgiving.com/In-Memory-of-John-Ellis

I have booked my 'disappearance'. 

The flights and accommodation are all sorted.

I am leaving on a jet plane, a bloody big jumbo jet in fact, and I am heading off into the remote wilds of another continent.

Alone.

I will not be in contact with anyone and no one will contact me....under any circumstances!

I *might* put the odd picture on Facebook to let people know I am still alive but that's about all. 

I NEED to get out, get away and clear my head. I know when I return it will all still be here but I will have created new positive memories in my head. 

I will be recharged and renewed and, I hope, more able to deal with 'things'.

I leave a week tomorrow and return one week later.

The flat and Max and Millie are being looked after and everything is arranged.

I played this song every night in Germany, hoping, wishing, praying, pleading that John would be ok, that he would survive, that he would come home.

My prayers, hopes, wishes, pleads all fell on deaf ears.

If there is such a thing as God, then they have blood on their hands, they murdered my Husband in cold blood and I will never, ever, EVER forgive them for taking him from his family, from his friends, from me....EVER! You can take your God and you can shove it right where the sun doesn't shine as far as I am concerned. 
What is the thinking behind taking a perfectly decent, happy, full of life, PERFECT man and killing him? WHAT? WHY?
God, seriously...fuck off!

I cannot ever quantify the grief I feel for the loss of John.

All I know is that in this life, we were only just getting started, we were warming up for the long haul.

I can't do this alone.

We can do this so much better together.

I can't make it alone.

We can make it so much better together.

I long to be by his side my whole life.

True love knows no sacrifice.