Sunday, 15 July 2012


Last night I went to bed feeling fine, almost happy.

It did not last until morning.

I woke up feeling down and depressed and it has stayed with me all day. 
I lay in bed until some ungodly hour of around 10am, something I never do, I just couldn't drag myself out of bed.

I have been fighting tears all day and I mean all day. 
I haven't been thinking of John especially, but whenever I do I just cry and cry and cry.

Today I had a number of visitors and it was lovely, really lovely to see them. 
Adrian and Tess popped over as did Kay and Jim. 
We all had a natter, we ate cake and we caught up. 
I gave some bird books to Adrian as I promised him I would. It didn't bother me at all, knowing that John would not have minded in the least. 
But, in the back of my mind I was thinking "I'm giving these to Adrian because John is dead", it's the only reason he was getting them. 

If John was alive none of this would be happening.
If John was alive I'd be happy.
If John was alive I'd sleep at night.
If John was alive I wouldn't be so heart achingly sad.
If John was alive it wouldn't feel like my head and heart were being crushed on a daily basis.
If John was alive I wouldn't be crying.

If John was alive......!

I know my choice of music is emotional and probably isn't going to help me but that's the whole point. 
I am just going to cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and fucking well cry.
Being in love with John, being in love with a dead person is shite. 
My body has all these feelings that go nowhere, no reciprocation, no mutual love, nothing.
Just me, reminiscing, looking at pictures, videos, remembering.
That's not being in love.
It's pain, pure pain.
They say love hurts.
Well it's really fucking hurting me!

I have written in previous chapters about it feeling easier or getting better......well today it's not.
It's much worse.
It's fucking shit.
I feel like I've gone forward 6 feet and back 200!
I cannot tell anyone just how seriously unhappy I am. 
The deepest, darkest, most painful kind of sad.
My whole life is a lie. 
It's fake.
Everyone see's or hears the "John McKenna" they know or who I think they should see/hear.
The real me, the current me, the really unhappy, sad, depressed, "can't do this anymore" me is not someone I want anyone to see.
It's not pretty.

I want my Husband back.
I cannot do this without my man.
I can't.

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