Call Me Bella....

Have you read the Twilight books or seen the films???

I am a fan, for my sins.

I think the books are very good indeed – the films are ‘ok’.

If you have read/seen them you will be familiar with Bella’s struggle upon thinking that she had lost the man she loved and how she felt the need to do something that made her ‘feel alive’, something to get her feeling again…..

Well…..call me Bella!

A week tomorrow John will have fallen ill 3 months ago and he will have been dead 2 months.

I have spent pretty much the past quarter of a year feeling scared, feeling anxious, feeling numb, feeling empty, feeling sad, feeling lonely, feeling nothing.

I want to feel SOMETHING!

I find myself really pushing myself when I am cycling to work, hoping, wanting and needing for it to hurt, to get to the point where I cannot breath, struggling.

I’ve been socialising – getting tipsy and having a laugh with my lovely friends and it has been ‘fun’ (I have the best friends in the world!).
I have spent time with James and Emma (I sooooo need to see Henry!).

But I haven’t let myself go.

I am guarded.

I am still keeping myself closed to everyone and everything.

I can completely understand where Bella’s mind is when she throws herself from that cliff top…..I really do completely and utterly understand.

I need to LIVE to FEEL…….

I need that proverbial cliff.

I need to sprint and take a fucking huge leap.

I NEED TO FEEL!

So……I am going to go away.

For a week or so.

Alone.

I am not telling a single solitary soul where I am going.

I will be completely out of contact.

I will vanish.

I NEED to "get out".

Away from my home.

Away from my dogs.

Away from London.

Away from the UK.

Away from my friends.

Away from my family.

Away from my job.

Away from John.

Away from Death's Cloak.

Away from EVERYTHING!

Once I have decided on the dates, I am going to get on a plane and just see where I end up.

I’ll worry about the rest when I get there.
As John would say - I'm going to have an adventure!!!

I have swapped my boat on the river of life for a fucking big plane.

Life will scoop me up and carry me on…..

Let’s see where I land.

This is my favourite track from the 1st Twilight film....play it fucking loud!!!!!