So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehn, Goodbye....

Who deals with grief ‘well’?

Who deals with the loss of the love of their life positively?

Does anyone?

I’m certainly not dealing with it ‘well’….not a bit.

Not at all.

That’s why I need to go.

I need to get away……from everything and everyone.

I need to breathe, to be free of Death’s suffocating cloak, to feel almost normal for a while.

I miss John every day.

I long for John every minute of every day.

I hate this life without him….I hate it every day.

Hate is a strong word but it fits the bill.....I do honestly hate it.

Life no longer has sparkle.

It’s dull and ‘unsparkly’.

I need to find a tiny glimmer of that sparkle….if only for a few days.

And so….I’m off……to a secret location.

I’m not contactable.

I won’t be in contact.

I *might* post a cryptic photo or two on Facebook but that will be the sum of my contact…..unless I can’t resist checking on my puppies!!!

So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehn, Goodbye…..

This is for you Husband - I Love You Now, Forever and Always.......my sad, battered and bruised broken heart beats only for you....it aways will xxxxx

Fly Me To The Moon....

I am in a foul mood, really foul.

Unfortunately Maximillian has taken the brunt of my temper with a number of verbal 'bashings' this morning and is now avoiding me at all costs. 

When I enter the room, Max leaves, ears down and his tail between his legs. 

Millie remains in the bedroom, curled up in a tight little ball, she wants nothing to do with me. 

Wise girl.
I have succeeded in alienating my little dogs.
Great, now I feel sooooo much better.....NOT!

We're not talking to you!

My mood is in stark contrast to yesterday.....

In February/March of this year I received an email from the PA Club (of which I am a member, being Britain's 2nd Best PA), offering me the chance to enter a competition to win private flights for two to Newquay in Cornwall, followed by lunch at Jamie Oliver's 'Fifteen' restaurant in Watergate Bay.

I won.

I was notified of my win while I was in Germany waiting for John to come out of his coma. When I entered the competition it was obviously going to be my Hubby that would have accompanied me. 

Sadly, John didn't make it and so, the only other person who could ever be considered as my 'plus 1' was Kay. 

I wanted to take Kay to thank her for giving up her life and moving into our home to look after Max and Millie in our absence.

Not that I can ever thank her or her boyfriend Jim enough....ever.

It was a lovely, lovely day.

I kept the day a secret from Kay until we arrived at Blackbushe Airport....I think she was suitably pleased! 

We had champagne and nibbles on the way out.

It was a beautiful day with the sun shining for the entire time.

We had such fun!

And the best bit.....we were in Cornwall....!

I'm not going to detract from such a positive, marvellous day out, but I will be honest and say that in the back of head I was thinking "John should be here", "John would love this", "I miss John". 

At one point over lunch we got talking about our jobs and there was much talk about the zoo (Kay was once one of John's bird keepers).....I left the table for 5 minutes as I felt a blub coming on........


And the food.........WOW!

Kay was amazing.......there's a reason why I love her so much.....it's because she's AMAZING and kind and patient and calm and generous and lovely and fun and I Love Her!

So what's with me and my temper today???

I think I'm having 'come down' and a rather heavy portion of guilt for having had such a wonderful day......yes, yes, I know guilt is one of the 7 stages of grief....I know! 

I thought of John every moment of the day and he was 'with me' in my heart and always is, so by proxy, he was there. 

Funnily enough, had he actually been there, I doubt there would have been as much white wine left as there was!!!!!!!!

This song was in my head yesterday and is dedicated to my Husband:

I s'pose I should go and make up with the puppies........(and get some sun on my skin!)...........

It's Not Getting Any Easier

It is 3 months to the day that John fell ill.

Germany feels like a dim and distant nightmare. 

Like it didn't really happen and I imagined the whole thing. 

I wish I HAD imagined the whole thing, at least if I had John would not be dead. 

The Boys would have their Dad and I would have my Husband.

It is also 2 months to the day that John died.

I have longed for, missed him and cried every day, every single day.

Some days I feel ok, but, for the most part, I don't. 

I haven't felt right since he fell ill.

I feel rotten, lost, unhappy, depressed and unable to process my future.

I have worries, there are things I am unsure of and I just don't have the capacity to think about them, never mind deal with them.

My standard response is "I can't be bothered"......

This morning I went to the Zoo to meet with John's colleagues to discuss how the money raised on his Just Giving web page should be spent......it's all very exciting and I would like to thank each and every one of you who gave so generously......you WILL be helping ZSL and the people of Nepal to save asian vultures from extinction! 

Thank you!

If you would like to donate, click the link:

http://www.justgiving.com/In-Memory-of-John-Ellis

I have booked my 'disappearance'. 

The flights and accommodation are all sorted.

I am leaving on a jet plane, a bloody big jumbo jet in fact, and I am heading off into the remote wilds of another continent.

Alone.

I will not be in contact with anyone and no one will contact me....under any circumstances!

I *might* put the odd picture on Facebook to let people know I am still alive but that's about all. 

I NEED to get out, get away and clear my head. I know when I return it will all still be here but I will have created new positive memories in my head. 

I will be recharged and renewed and, I hope, more able to deal with 'things'.

I leave a week tomorrow and return one week later.

The flat and Max and Millie are being looked after and everything is arranged.

I played this song every night in Germany, hoping, wishing, praying, pleading that John would be ok, that he would survive, that he would come home.

My prayers, hopes, wishes, pleads all fell on deaf ears.

If there is such a thing as God, then they have blood on their hands, they murdered my Husband in cold blood and I will never, ever, EVER forgive them for taking him from his family, from his friends, from me....EVER! You can take your God and you can shove it right where the sun doesn't shine as far as I am concerned. 
What is the thinking behind taking a perfectly decent, happy, full of life, PERFECT man and killing him? WHAT? WHY?
God, seriously...fuck off!

I cannot ever quantify the grief I feel for the loss of John.

All I know is that in this life, we were only just getting started, we were warming up for the long haul.

I can't do this alone.

We can do this so much better together.

I can't make it alone.

We can make it so much better together.

I long to be by his side my whole life.

True love knows no sacrifice.

Oh Dear.....

I feel strange.

Very strange.

This is not going well.

I cannot stop crying.

Today, at work, I found myself in the arms of our Chief Nurse (the 2nd in command) sobbing and sobbing and sobbing.

I feel like I cannot cope.

I feel like I have hit a brick wall.

I feel like I am being crushed. 

I cannot breathe.

You know when you have 'washing machine tummy'? 

Well I have it on constant full spin and it feels like I am going to faint or pass out at any minute.....

I don't feel right.

I'm angry.

I'm REALLY angry.

I feel like I am going to explode.

Literally explode!

And the crying........

I CANNOT STOP CRYING!

Mo(u)rning

Last night I went to bed feeling fine, almost happy.

It did not last until morning.

I woke up feeling down and depressed and it has stayed with me all day. 

I lay in bed until some ungodly hour of around 10am, something I never do, I just couldn't drag myself out of bed.

I have been fighting tears all day and I mean all day. 

I haven't been thinking of John especially, but whenever I do I just cry and cry and cry.

Today I had a number of visitors and it was lovely, really lovely to see them. 

Adrian and Tess popped over as did Kay and Jim. 

We all had a natter, we ate cake and we caught up. 

I gave some bird books to Adrian as I promised him I would. It didn't bother me at all, knowing that John would not have minded in the least. 

But, in the back of my mind I was thinking "I'm giving these to Adrian because John is dead", it's the only reason he was getting them. 

If John was alive none of this would be happening.

If John was alive I'd be happy.
If John was alive I'd sleep at night.

If John was alive I wouldn't be so heart achingly sad.

If John was alive it wouldn't feel like my head and heart were being crushed on a daily basis.

If John was alive I wouldn't be crying.

If John was alive......!


I know my choice of music is emotional and probably isn't going to help me but that's the whole point. 
I am just going to cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and fucking well cry.
Being in love with John, being in love with a dead person is shite. 
My body has all these feelings that go nowhere, no reciprocation, no mutual love, nothing.
Just me, reminiscing, looking at pictures, videos, remembering.
That's not being in love.
It's pain, pure pain.
They say love hurts.
Well it's really fucking hurting me!


I have written in previous chapters about it feeling easier or getting better......well today it's not.
It's much worse.
It's fucking shit.
I feel like I've gone forward 6 feet and back 200!
I cannot tell anyone just how seriously unhappy I am. 
I am REALLY UNHAPPY.
The deepest, darkest, most painful kind of sad.
My whole life is a lie. 
It's fake.
Everyone see's or hears the "John McKenna" they know or who I think they should see/hear.
The real me, the current me, the really unhappy, sad, depressed, "can't do this anymore" me is not someone I want anyone to see.
It's not pretty.

I want my Husband back.
I cannot do this without my man.
I can't.

For F*CK Sake!

I am such a twat sometimes!

This morning started pretty much like any other Saturday morning.....

I got up, walked the pups, had a cup of tea and prepared for a visit to Sainsburys and the Post Office.

Everything was fine until I got in the car.

It was when I saw everything all over the car floor that I realised it had been done over.

It was a mess.

I had been burgled.

There is no sign whatsoever of forced entry, no smashed windows, nothing.

I can only assume that yours truly had not locked the car.

DICKHEAD!

Thankfully there wasn't much to take apart from some supermarket trolley/car wash money in the dashboard. 

However, what gets me is that they took John's iPod which was in the front arm rest.

They took mine too but I don't give a fuck about that. 

The bastards took something of John's!

I am really FUCKING ANGRY

PISSED OFF

UPSET

SAD

MAD

CRAAAAAAZY WITH RAGE!

FULL OF TEARS!

If I hadn't left the car unlocked they wouldn't have got it.

Is it too early for a bottle of vodka?????

Call Me Bella....

Have you read the Twilight books or seen the films???

I am a fan, for my sins.

I think the books are very good indeed – the films are ‘ok’.

If you have read/seen them you will be familiar with Bella’s struggle upon thinking that she had lost the man she loved and how she felt the need to do something that made her ‘feel alive’, something to get her feeling again…..

Well…..call me Bella!

A week tomorrow John will have fallen ill 3 months ago and he will have been dead 2 months.

I have spent pretty much the past quarter of a year feeling scared, feeling anxious, feeling numb, feeling empty, feeling sad, feeling lonely, feeling nothing.

I want to feel SOMETHING!

I find myself really pushing myself when I am cycling to work, hoping, wanting and needing for it to hurt, to get to the point where I cannot breath, struggling.

I’ve been socialising – getting tipsy and having a laugh with my lovely friends and it has been ‘fun’ (I have the best friends in the world!).
I have spent time with James and Emma (I sooooo need to see Henry!).

But I haven’t let myself go.

I am guarded.

I am still keeping myself closed to everyone and everything.

I can completely understand where Bella’s mind is when she throws herself from that cliff top…..I really do completely and utterly understand.

I need to LIVE to FEEL…….

I need that proverbial cliff.

I need to sprint and take a fucking huge leap.

I NEED TO FEEL!

So……I am going to go away.

For a week or so.

Alone.

I am not telling a single solitary soul where I am going.

I will be completely out of contact.

I will vanish.

I NEED to "get out".

Away from my home.

Away from my dogs.

Away from London.

Away from the UK.

Away from my friends.

Away from my family.

Away from my job.

Away from John.

Away from Death's Cloak.

Away from EVERYTHING!

Once I have decided on the dates, I am going to get on a plane and just see where I end up.

I’ll worry about the rest when I get there.
As John would say - I'm going to have an adventure!!!

I have swapped my boat on the river of life for a fucking big plane.

Life will scoop me up and carry me on…..

Let’s see where I land.

This is my favourite track from the 1st Twilight film....play it fucking loud!!!!!

Didn't See That Coming.....

Part of my flood gates crumbled today.

I did not plan it.

It just happened.

Unexpectedly.

I was 'working', as one does......I popped upstairs to visit a colleague and on the way I stopped off to see another colleague. 

A lovely, lovely lady who is fast becoming something of a friend.

She listens.

But most importantly, she hears me.

Some people say "What's your gossip?", or "What's your news?"...my lovely colleague says "So what have you decided?".

With this, I chatted about John - something I do not do at work simply because I know what will happen!

And it happened.

I told her about the pillows.

And dealing with his wardrobe.

And how much I long for and miss him.

And about things in Germany.

And the nasty, horrid, sick nightmares that won't go away.

Next thing I know, I'm sobbing.......literally sobbing.

Uncontrollable, full on, heavy, wet, can't breath, emotional sobbing.

Since this afternoon's episode I have been and continue to feel sad.

Really down, upset, grief-stricken sad.

Gut-wrenchingly sad.

Heart-broken sad.

I cry, and cry, and cry, and cry.

Only one thing will make me feel better and I cannot have it.

I want that big hunk of love I'm in love with.

I want my Husband.

I want the Love of my Life.

I want John.

He doesn't even haunt me......if he loved me he would.

Wouldn't he?

Pillow Talk

*POP* goes the positive bubble!!!

Today, as with most weeks, I washed and changed the bedding.

Unlike previous weeks, while I made the bed I took the decision to remove 2 pillows from the bed and just have two. 

I do not need or require 4.

Yup, you guessed it, I took away John's pillows.

It's a big old bed for one person and certainly doesn't need 4 pillows. 

Not when there's only one sad, lonely, single person sleeping in it!

I know I could easily put his pillows back but what would be the point of that, I'd still want to remove them?!

I now find myself missing him tons, I mean REALLY missing him.

All I can think of is cuddling in bed.

Feeling his body next to mine in bed.

His warmth in bed.

His (bloody annoying and very loud) snoring in bed.

The bedroom 'gymnastics' !

My eyes are full of tears.

This is one of those 'swim harder' moments and I am determined to do so.

They're just pillows.

JUST pillows!

Missing John hurts, it really hurts......

Sunshine with some showers....

I am the polar opposite of our current weather.

It's rain, rain, rain and a hint of sunshine.

I have been, for a few days now, sunshine with a hint of showers.

I have, for the most part, been feeling almost 'good'.

I had a small wobble yesterday when I was looking for a suitable picture of us both to go on Facebook as my 'Happy Pride' pic. 

Each picture just made me cry.

I still long for and miss John every single day.

I go to bed thinking of him.

I wake up thinking of him.

But it's starting to feel a little 'easier'.

Perhaps, because I have the normality and routine of work and such wonderful supportive family and friends I am finding it easier to cope....perhaps. 

I hope so.

And let's not forget my wonderful little dogs who smother me with love, hugs and waggy bums. They make me feel better every single day (when I'm not shouting at them of course!!!).

John has only been gone since mid May, and I am very aware that it's early days for us all.
Can you believe nearly a quarter of a year has passed since the day John fell ill???? 
But the days are definitely starting to feel a little more comfortable.

I had a 'moment' in the car this morning. I was on my way home from a shop at Sainsburys. 

I was listening to Madonna's "I'm Addicted", a song I really, REALLY like. 

I was singing along and 'dancing' in my seat. 

I was almost happy, enjoying myself even and then I realised what I was doing.

All of a sudden I felt huge guilt, an overwhelming wave of guilt.

I cried.

Guilt will be with me for some time methinks. 

Everytime I move something, get rid of something, buy something, etc I feel guilty.
There ain't nuffin' I can do about it....I just have to work my way through it....swim through that cement a little bit harder!

But it will get easier, I know this....

It's already started......(this song makes me shake my booty big time!!!!)...

Move In The Right Direction

Last night I went to see Gossip, the marvellous punky, pop-y, rocky, indie band fronted by the amazing, monster-voiced Beth Ditto. 

I went with my gorgeous 'daughter in law', the lovely Emma.

We had fun.

We danced.

We sang along (badly).

We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

This song is now my 'life anthem'......
From now on, when I am feeling low, down, sad, upset, depressed, blah, blah, blah, I am going to sing this song....

It lifts me up, makes me shake my booty......

It's positive, uplifting and it's what I need to be, as much as I can.....whenever I can.

Life must, and does, go on.

P.S. I may still have the odd 'wobble' so please bear with me until normal service resumes!

P.P.S. Buy the album, it's bloody fantastic!!!!!!!!!!

On Repeat.......sing along!

I know I'm not alone
I should not be afraid
Cause I hear your voice
And I know you're there beside me

And so I give my heart
I live to love again
But I can't let go
Of the way I feel about you

Love is a lonely place without you
I miss you
And you're almost here
And I'm almost touching you
Love is a place I have to hide away

I'll never love this way again

If love was ever true
I know it was with you
Cause you touched my soul and 
You'll stay with me forever

No tears, no sad goodbyes
There are no reasons why
But I'm holding on 
I believe in love eternal

Love is a lonely place without you
I miss you
And you're almost here
And I'm almost touching you
Love is a place I have to hide away
I'll never love this way again

Though I'm moving on
I'm still holding on
Holding on
Holding on
Love is a lonely place without you
I miss you
And you're almost here
And I'm almost touching you
Love is a place I have to hide away
I'll never love this way again