Ring Out The Old

In truth, I don't want 2012 to end.

When that bell tolls midnight it means that John will have died last year, that it's a new year without John in it, a new year that he/we will never experience.
When we say goodbye to 2012 we say goodbye to John, that's how it feels in my heavy, broken heart.
I feel like I'm losing him all over again.
There will be no photographs of John in this and future new years, no memories created, no love made.
He will be just that, a loving memory.

The last 'happy' picture I took of John in 2012

I cannot exist without you

I am forgetful of everything but seeing you again

My life seems to stop there

I see no further

You have absorbed me

I have a sensation at the present moment

As though I were dissolving

I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion

I have shuddered at it

I shudder no more

I could be martyred for my religion

Love is my religion

I could die for that

I could die for you

My creed is love and you are its only tenet

You have ravished me away by a power I cannot resist.

John Keats

I hope, with all of my broken heart, that 2013 is a much happier year for everyone.

A Christmas Message

The Queen has one so why can't I?!

I read out the following words at John's funeral and, for me, they are the most appropriate message I can give at this 'difficult time'. 

They speak of him, they speak of his love and lust for life and they speak of his never ending enjoyment of his life.

The message within them is a simple one.

LIVE YOUR LIFE, live it as though it will end tomorrow. 

Live it, Love it, Enjoy it!

So here they are, the words I spoke the day I had to accept that my Husband wasn't coming home. 

Ever.

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you all how very wrong this feels, that we are here at my Husband’s funeral. 

I need to tell you all that I am also very sorry for your loss. 

I can’t help but think that this sort of thing just does not happen to John Ellis.....in my mind he was and will always be immortal, invincible. As eldest son Henry would say, he’s a Legend! We can all count ourselves so extremely lucky to have known him and to have been a part of his incredible life.

On 9th November 2002, John and I became boyfriends. 

We met via a Singles Night in The Yard pub in Soho a couple of weeks before. John didn’t want to go and was, luckily for me, encouraged to go by a good friend. I was only there because, bizarrely, I offered to drive someone who was rather keen on John....I sort of had a boyfriend already. 

When people arrived at the pub they were handed a nut and bolt that did not fit, the idea being that you found your nut or bolt. 

Our nuts and bolts matched immediately. 

We both knew almost straight away that something special was happening and apart from his work commitments, we hardly spent a day apart from that day on. 

When we met we promised each other 40 years of love and devotion, however in reality we were together a total of 3,477 days or just over 9 years and 6 months. 

It feels like we’d only just got going....

It didn’t matter who you were. 

Man, woman, child, straight or gay. 

The minute you met John, the moment you heard his booming greeting, you were ensnared, captured, cocooned within his Johnnie Bear Hug love of and lust for life. 

You instantly fell in love with him, it was impossible not to. I was lucky enough to get the best kind of love from him....it’s not every day you meet, fall in love with and marry the Love of Your Life. 

For me, John was perfect. 

Absolutely, completely and utterly perfect.

The most important ingredients in John’s life were laughter, joy, fun and a whole lorry load of booze...preferably G&T and a dry white wine - it was Pimms in the Summer and a tot or 3 of Grouse in the Winter. 

An Ellis tradition is Christmas Tea, basically a cup of tea with a large glug of Whisky in it. Although in our house, Christmas Tea seemed to last from late October to early February!

With drink came fabulous feasts. He was a seriously accomplished cook (I wanted him to enter Master Chef but he never would). Our dinner parties were always something for him to plan, to get excited about, he would spend evenings pouring through our library of cookery books for just the right recipes. 

His roast dinners with a simple light reduction have gone down in history and I am sure would be coveted by Saint Delia herself!

Being in his life was like being on a life enhancing drug. Whenever you were with him it was perfect, magical, always fun and most definitely naughty....you were always left wanting more. 

I could definitely do with a John Ellis fix right now!

No one had a real name, they were far too serious and were instantly filed away, indeed I was only ever called John if I was in serious trouble and he was majorly pissed off with me! Instead, being a dedicated follower of John you were given a suitable moniker - and, to name but a few, we have The Dark Empress, Lady Scott, Kelly-Marie, Habbers, WPVC, The Forton-Holeys, Bella, Muffin, Princess Mingeeta and my own personal favourite, Nackers.

John was incandescent with life and made sure that he and everyone around him enjoyed it generously and to the full. Even with a sometimes crippling arthritic condition, of which he never ever complained in the almost 10 years we were together, he hobbled on....mostly to the nearest bottle of wine which he claimed was medicinal, but he still hobbled! 

Whether hobbling or healthy, life was an adventure to be had, indeed our holidays were never holidays, they were always adventures. I will never, ever forget our time in India, Mexico, South Africa, a mad weekend in Stockholm, our honeymoon in Malaysia or the incredibly wonderful time we spent in Nepal. 

My most special travel memory is being whisked off to the Swiss Alps in the depths of winter where he proposed to me in approximately 3 feet of snow!

He was and will always be so very proud of his sons, Henry and James - they are both so very him and I see so much of him in them, most definitely chips off the old block. 

Being their D2, I will always be there for them as John would have been. However, I am not him and will never replace him, but through each other the Boys and I will always, always remember him and hold him deep within our hearts - he will live on. 

I just hope I do him and the Boys proud.

I remember once going through a particularly tough time and John looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes of his and said to me, “Don’t worry darling, there is light at the end of the tunnel, it’s me with a bloody big torch.” 

Well, that light has now gone from my world and it’s very dark, sad and a shadow of it’s former self. 

However, this was always the Johnnie Ellis way, seeing the positive, overcoming the negative and turning sadness into happiness. 

He was constantly effervescently jovial!

As a surprise in the very early years of our relationship  I took John to see Barbra Streisand in concert and she sang a song called What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life. John instantly fell in love with it and decided there and then that it was to be ‘our song’. 

Later on in life, it would become the ‘first dance’ at our Civil Ceremony on 15th August 2009 and so I think it only fitting that I finish with the words to ‘our song’:

What are you doing the rest of your life?

North and South and East and West of your life?

I have only one request of your life

That you spend it all with me.

All the seasons and the times of your days.

All the nickels and the dimes of your days.

Let the reasons and the rhymes of your days.

All begin and end with me.

I want to see your face in every kind of light,

In fields of dawn and forests of the night;

And when you stand before the candles on a cake.

Let me be the one to hear the silent wish you make.

Those tomorrows waiting deep in your eyes

In the world of love you keep in your eyes,

I'll awaken what's asleep in your eyes,

It may take a kiss or two

Through all of my life

Summer, Winter, Spring and Fall of my life,

All I ever will recall of my life

Is all of my life with you.

Now go and pour a HUGE Ellis Family Christmas Tea and think of my wonderful, incredible, PERFECT Husband!

Merry Christmas from Max, Millie and Me

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"A Difficult Time of Year"

This saying has been mentioned more than once in more than one christmas card, message, etc, etc.

And yes, it's true, this is a bloody difficult time of year.

Those that knew John, that knew us, will know that the home was decorated within an inch of it's life at Christmas.

John spent September, October and November perusing Christmas cookery books and magazines for the right recipes.

December was all about cooking, decorating, eating, drinking and being merry, VERY merry!

December is also the month of my birth and every year (without fail!) John would arrange an incredible trip abroad to a wonderful place and we would have a lot of fun and laughter.

John also proposed to me, high in the Swiss Alps, knee deep in snow, in December.

This is truly a difficult time of year.

It's nothing like it used to be.

I've decorated the lounge for Christmas but truthfully and, in all honesty, I want to rip the decorations down and throw them in the bin.

Christmas Day will be incredibly strange and my tummy is already in turmoil just thinking about it.

I don't want to celebrate anything.

However, life does indeed go on and so will I.

I have my friend Craig from Colorado here and I will make sure that he has a lovely time while he is here.

My grief is private and I will keep it within.

The day John proposed....

I had been doing monthly, on the anniversary of John's death, blogs....they have now stopped as I feel the 6 month mark was the appropriate time to stop. 

I live each month by the anniversary of his death but it won't be repeated on the blog anymore.

Also, there's no real news on the Cornwall house yet........yet.

Here We Go Again.....

Following the recent change in circumstances with the old new house, my ex-future landlady kindly placed an advert in The Cornishman newspaper (reporting local life since 1878 no less!) on my behalf, for a house in Marazion.

In honesty, I had forgotten about it in all the kerfuffle and so, was more than a tad surprised when, this afternoon while enjoying a cuppa following a jolly good shopping trip (buying the dogs festive outfits), my mobile  phone rang.

The gentleman at the other end of the line advised me that he has a 2 bedroom cottage in the heart of Marazion (I have google-mapped it and the location is indeed brrrrrrilliant!), he doesn't mind dogs (he has one) and would I like to go and see it?

Would I?

WOULD I?

YES I BLOODY WELL WOULD!

So.....on Sunday morning via Grandma's in Somerset, Max and Millie and Me will be driving down to Marazion to see the Fairy God Children where we will stay the night.

On Monday morning at 11am, we view the cottage.

The only 'thing' with this property is that it is offered fully furnished and so IF I like it I would probably have to perform some sort of 'House Sale'......we will see once Monday morning is out of the way.

AND.....I am not, not, NOT going to get all excited and mentally 'move in' before I've even get there. 

I did that with the previous place and look where it got me.

I am seriously going to try and not even think about it until I wake up on Monday morning in Marazion.

I do not want to feel like I did with the other house.

Incidentally, while I was on the phone to the Fairy God Children's parents securing a room for the night, my mobile rang again and I was offered the possibility of another property in Crowlas, just outside Marazion, but not where I want to be so I politely declined.

Please, please, please send lots and lots of positive vibes out into the ether.

Cross all your fingers, toes, arms, legs, ears, the lot......

I thank you

This little ditty is dedicated to Marazion (all 15 festive minutes of it!!!!!!)......... 

:-)

Bitter? Me?

Before I go on, I want to thank each and every person in Cornwall who is trying to help me....it seems I have gone 'viral' and people I have yet to meet are trying to find me a house......

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

I am trying and, quite frankly, failing to think positively.

Also, to be very brutally honest, I am finding it very hard not to be really, really fucked off, angry and upset with the whole situation.

I am in danger of sounding more bitter than a bucket of lemons, however, I need to get this off my chest because it is tearing my head apart.

I'm truly sorry for my ex-new landlords and all that they've been through, I really am, BUT they've turned a very quick corner. 

One has their old job back and the other has successfully found another job.

I have no job to go back to.

Did they get rid of furniture that wouldn't have fitted in their new home? I'm guessing not.

Did they buy new furniture for their new home? Perhaps.

They've kept that lovely little house and they've got their jobs back and, for them, life carries on as it did. 

Lots of stress I am sure but in reality no real harm done.

I am here, unmotivated, upset, pissed off, unsure of the future and when I will be able to move to Cornwall.
Jobless.

Old furniture gone.

New furniture bought.

Plants sold or gifted.

Removals booked and paid for.

Cupboards and drawers sorted and cleared.

November's pay has effectively paid for December so I needn't worry too much at the moment but come January, if I don't have a new house to move to, then I will need to go back into London and find work or I will be in financial trouble....hopefully Britain's 2nd best PA can find some temp work!!!

There's this flat....I can't stay here indefinitely, until something 'comes up', forever.....I simply cannot. My current landlords needs more security than that.

Pressure is upon me and I really don't like it and I am not happy with the situation AT ALL.

Since Friday all I have done is walk the dogs and search the internet for a home.

I am demoralised and disillusioned.

I am not sleeping.

When I do sleep I'm having bad dreams and nightmares.

My tummy is constantly on fast spin.

I haven't felt this unstable since the Summer.
Mentally, I am honestly struggling to hold myself together.

There are options......

I could move to Cornwall and not live in Marazion.

I could put everything in storage and lodge with the god children for a month.

I could rent a holiday home for the winter until something 'comes up'.

Yes, there are options, but to be honest, I do not want to compromise my dream, my future.
I don't want to move to then have to move again.
I won't do that to me or the doglets.
When I move, I move to the new house. 
Full stop.

I want to live in Marazion, that is all.

To Be or Not To Be, That Is The Question

I did not sleep well at all last night.

My head is all over the place.

I have no motivation at all....absolutely none.

I'm sitting here doing nothing.

Why??? Because at the moment I have nothing to do anything for!

There's no house to move to.

So, no reason to clear and sort and clean and pack.

Am I meant to go to Cornwall?

Is this a sign?

I've got rid of furniture that would not have fitted in the ex-new house.

I've bought furniture for the ex-new house that I might not need.

I've sold plants in the garden because I didn't have a garden in the ex-new house.

I needn't have done any of that now.

Thank god I didn't go and buy the fridge freezer that I would have needed!!!!

Then there's the flat I live in now.....

I don't have a job.

It's not cheap.

I can't afford it on my own with no job for very long.

Then what?!?!?!?!?!?!

If I go out and get another job in London will I ever leave this fucking city?

I've woken up in a really dark, unhappy, unmotivated, angry place.

I'm glad I have no plans at all today - people need to steer clear of me.

Where once there was solid ground there is now just thin air.

I do not feel safe or in any way comfortable.

I am worrying like crazy.

I've always considered myself quite mentally strong.....now I feel like I am definitely losing my grip.

I need John. 

I really, really, really, REALLY need John.

There is a rage and a fear and worry and screams building inside me.

I can't stop crying.

This does not feel good.

Not at all.

All Stop.....

Could this year get any worse?

Could it?

Well yes, it could actually.

And it has.

This morning I received a call from my future Landlady in Cornwall telling me that, due to forces beyond anyone's control, their move is off.

Which ultimately means that my move is also off.

I will not be moving into that gorgeous little cottage.

I really feel for my ex-future landlady. 

Not only has the poor woman had awful news but she also had to call me and explain that the move is off and most of the time I just cried while she was talking.

This is not the end of the Cornwall dream....not  at all.

It just means that the beautiful little house I was going to live in isn't to be and I must find another.

I've been on the phone to estate agents in Cornwall trying to find a replacement house.

I also have the assistance of my God Children's wonderful parents and my ex-future Landlady is also helping.

It's slim pickings but hopefully something will turn up.

I still want to be in Marazion in January *fingers and legs and arms and ears and EVERYTHING crossed*

Yes, there have been A LOT of tears and there will no doubt be more - I cannot tell you how much I long for a day without crying.

Today, as they say, is a fucking shit day!

Chocolate Brownies are medicinal!!!

And it was all going so well....

Today, the first day of my time off until I move to Cornwall, started well.

I woke up.

Me and the dogs walked around the park.

I've cleared a drawer or two.

I've posted letters.

I've spoken to the Utilities.

I've dealt with administration.

I have prepared tonight's dinner.

I've been bouncing along to happy music.

I appear to have run out of steam and I am now a tad sad.

I look around the flat and I realise, for all the stuff that has gone, that there is still soooooo much to do.

Then there's the shed and garden.....ugh!

Tonight I have the God Children's Mum coming to stay so I know that this feeling is not going to last long......we can spend the evening plotting my arrival in Cornwall!

I am well aware that this is only the very first day of my time off. 

I just hope that I don't feel like this every day until the move.

I cannot tell you how much I am missing John right now and wishing with every bit of me that he was coming too.

We Need To Talk

Tomorrow, after almost 10 years with the company, I leave my job.

I leave so that I can sort, clear and pack before moving to Cornwall to start my new life.

To start again.

Today, more so than any other day since John has been dead, I feel the need to talk to him.

To tell him I am leaving my job.

To tell him the dogs and me are leaving London.

To tell him I am nervous.

To tell him I am scared.

To tell him I am emotional (more so than normal!!!)

To tell him I wish, with all my heart, that he was coming too!

I reached for my mobile this evening with the sole intention of calling John.

Then I remembered.

Instead I spoke to Cornwall, to a very, VERY special lady who reminded me that yes, it is scary and nerve racking but it's also very exciting....and John loved exciting!!!!!

Tomorrow night I will be officially unemployed.

6 weeks tomorrow I will be moving out and driving to Cornwall to start my new life.

I am emotional.

I am scared.

I am nervous.

I am excited.

Aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!

I woke up crying today.

Today is not a good day.

I just can't shake it.

Every record I play, every piece of paper I pick up, clothing I wash, etc, it all makes me think of John.

This morning the Landlord had an estate agent visit to get a valuation.

Soon after letting him in (very good looking actually!), the local Jehovah's Witnesses knocked at the door. I assured them that Jehovah has absolutely zero chance of saving me!

Then the Landlord arrived.

Through all of this Max would not stop barking.

I nearly beat him into next month!

I am so fucking tense.

I really want to smash, break, destroy things.

I have so much destructive anger inside me.

I feel ready to explode.

I am a human volcano and the pressure is building.

And I'm cancelling people again.

I arrange or agree to things and then as it gets closer to the 'event' the more nervous and stressed I am and so I cancel.

After I have cancelled I wish I hadn't and then stay here at home feeling all lonely.

I wonder why?!

The closer I get to moving to Cornwall, the more unstable I feel I am becoming.....

The page is out of print

We are not permanent

We are temporary

Temporary

Kings of the Mountain

I was walking the dogs around the cemetery this evening and this windy, wet weather we're having reminded me of a 'holiday' John and I had in North Wales in September 2010.

I won't remember this holiday for the wonderful time we had, indeed it wasn't a holiday, it was much too stressful and we saw very little of each other. I will remember it because this was the week that Joyce, John's lovely, wonderful Mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour.

Mum was supposed to be coming with us, along with the gorgeous Joannie, however with her being in hospital this wasn't going to happen, but we decided to still go up there, at least we were relatively close to Mum in Chester.

It was also only a month since we re-homed Millie.

Anyway, one thing we both really wanted to do was accomplish what we called '3 Lake Walk', starting at Llanberis Pass and walking ever upwards until you get to the lake below the summit of Snowdon. We had done it before but not with the dogs.

The weather was shocking, absolutely bloody awful!

John, being the caring, gentle, loving man that he was, carried Millie three quarters of the way up because she just stopped. She refused to go any further. She hated it (and probably us for putting her through it!) and would not go on. 

Even Max started whining and he's up for pretty much anything!!!

As short as it is, this is the video I took at the 'top' and, as you can see, we were windswept, wet and knackered!!!

I miss the adventures almost as much as I miss John!

7 Days.......

This last week has been dreadful, bloody awful!

As I mentioned in my previous video, I didn't go to work on Monday or Tuesday, I was just not up to it.

I've had a number of removal companies come in to give me quotes for the move to Cornwall.

Last night's was particularly eventful.

A lady came to quote and literally, within 30 seconds, started sneezing and coughing. When questioned, she informed that she was allergic to dogs! Fucking stupid job to have when you're visiting people's homes to give quotes and a lot of people have dogs!

Anyway, I was showing her around and whilst in the kitchen I opened one of the cupboards.....glass and crockery fell out, shattering and smashing all over the place.

I carried on the tour like the consummate professional that I am.

At least I won't have so much glass or crockery to take with me!

Today has been 'full on'.

Another removal company came to quote.

Then the landlord came over with an estate agent to price for either selling or re-renting.

Then Kay & Jim came over and removed some furniture I gave them.

All around this I was trying to sort the contents of drawers, cupboards, etc.

While Kay was here I started unravelling.

I'm not feeling great, I'm feeling really tired and lethargic and just devoid of energy.

And I am almost constantly crying or feeling the need to cry.
How can you cry almost every day for 6 months and still have tears in you?!

6 Months

Nine Eleven

Boyfriends - Christmas 2002

How Is He?

Today at work I was asked how John was.

"How is John, is his recovery going well?"

I sobbed.

I miss him so much.

And I still have that fucking headache!!!!

Forever Autumn

I hate mornings.

Each day I wake up to remember.

I think my head is going to burst.

I don't feel good.

I have a headache.

I've had it days now.

I went to Sainsbury's to do the weekly shop this morning and I wept in the chocolate/sweets aisle.

It's going to be another cheery day in Devonshire Road!

2 steps back

Today, John is in my head, more so than normal.

He's all I can think about.

I am tearful and emotional.

Today, I'm afraid, is not the best day.

It is also the dogs' 3rd birthday.

John should be here.

We should be treating them, walking them, cuddling them, together.

Instead, I took Millie to the vet for her health check up (she's fine) and weigh in (she's lost half a kilo!).

To be honest, I am really struggling.

I hear people refer to me as brave or strong.

I'm not.

I'm really not.

I have no choice in any of this.

I have to do it.

I have to sort and clear and rearrange and tend the garden and clean the home and do the washing and walk/feed the dogs.....blah blah blah.....

But fuck me, I am finding it really very difficult indeed.

I am sat here, typing and crying.

I am very sad today.

As far as I know nothing has set me off, it's just simply how I feel.

I woke up ok but as the day goes on, the sadder and more emotional I am becoming.

Maybe I need a vodka?!

As Lana Del Rey would say, "I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy".

Hello Cornwall, this is London calling......

Today I resigned.

I am done.
I have had enough.
I am leaving my job.
I am leaving the flat.
I am leaving London.


This city has had more than a pound of my flesh over the last 9 and a half years and I am not willing to give it an ounce more, not a single ounce, so this morning, I handed in my notice.

It.
Felt.
Good.

It is, by far, the best decision I have made on my own since John's death (and yes, he WOULD approve!).

'Working'...

I have never been a fan or loved London like John did.
I came here from Brighton for one reason and one reason only - to be with John, my love, my life, my everything.
Without John, London holds nothing for me.
Dont' get me wrong, I have great friends here, I happen to think I have the BEST friends anyone could want, BUT, they won't keep me here, nothing and no-one will, unless John comes home, only then will I stay.
Without John I find London horrid.
Unbearable.
Unfriendly.
Unforgiving.
Un-me!

Before France 'got in the way', our big dream was to go and live in Cornwall.
We visited 2 or 3 times a year, every year for 9 years.
I was 80% for France, John was 110%.
We had our disagreements over it but to be honest, if it meant following him to Hell I would have done it, just to be with him, to be by his side.
Little did I know I'd be experiencing Hell without him!!!

Happy times in France

So..........in January 2013 I am going to live 'the original dream' and I am going to move to a lovely little 2 bedroom cottage by the sea in deepest, darkest, gorgeous-est Cornwall.
Just me, Maximillian and Millie in Marazion.
We will have quality of life.
We will have beaches to walk on.
We will have the God Children only three doors away.
We will have my little niece and my Sister only 10 miles away.
We will have St Michael's Mount on our doorstep.
We will have Land's End only 10 miles away.
And all my friends and family are VERY welcome to come and stay....in fact I am banking on a steady stream of visitors!

My new home (Landlady's dog!)

I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to going to the West Country.
I want to be there NOW!
Leaving here is going to be extremely emotional but it is most definitely the right decision.
It's not this flat that's special, it is purely a shell, it's what's in it and the wonderful memories I have.
And I will be taking all of them with me.

Cornwall - HERE I COME!

Sing it Beth.....sing it LOUD!