Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Bitter? Me?

Before I go on, I want to thank each and every person in Cornwall who is trying to help me....it seems I have gone 'viral' and people I have yet to meet are trying to find me a house......


I am trying and, quite frankly, failing to think positively.

Also, to be very brutally honest, I am finding it very hard not to be really, really fucked off, angry and upset with the whole situation.
I am in danger of sounding more bitter than a bucket of lemons, however, I need to get this off my chest because it is tearing my head apart.

I'm truly sorry for my ex-new landlords and all that they've been through, I really am, BUT they've turned a very quick corner. 
One has their old job back and the other has successfully found another job.
I have no job to go back to.
Did they get rid of furniture that wouldn't have fitted in their new home? I'm guessing not.
Did they buy new furniture for their new home? Perhaps.
They've kept that lovely little house and they've got their jobs back and, for them, life carries on as it did. 
Lots of stress I am sure but in reality no real harm done.

I am here, unmotivated, upset, pissed off, unsure of the future and when I will be able to move to Cornwall.
Old furniture gone.
New furniture bought.
Plants sold or gifted.
Removals booked and paid for.
Cupboards and drawers sorted and cleared.

November's pay has effectively paid for December so I needn't worry too much at the moment but come January, if I don't have a new house to move to, then I will need to go back into London and find work or I will be in financial trouble....hopefully Britain's 2nd best PA can find some temp work!!!
There's this flat....I can't stay here indefinitely, until something 'comes up', forever.....I simply cannot. My current landlords needs more security than that.
Pressure is upon me and I really don't like it and I am not happy with the situation AT ALL.
Since Friday all I have done is walk the dogs and search the internet for a home.
I am demoralised and disillusioned.
I am not sleeping.
When I do sleep I'm having bad dreams and nightmares.
My tummy is constantly on fast spin.
I haven't felt this unstable since the Summer.
Mentally, I am honestly struggling to hold myself together.

There are options......
I could move to Cornwall and not live in Marazion.
I could put everything in storage and lodge with the god children for a month.
I could rent a holiday home for the winter until something 'comes up'.
Yes, there are options, but to be honest, I do not want to compromise my dream, my future.
I don't want to move to then have to move again.
I won't do that to me or the doglets.
When I move, I move to the new house. 
Full stop.

I want to live in Marazion, that is all.

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