2013.....done.

That's almost it folks, an entire year has just about come and gone.

I have been without John for a full January to December.

From 1st January 2014 I can no longer say or think that John died last year, it will be 'John died in 2012'.

4 and a half months to go and John will have been dead for 2 years.....TWO YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!

In that time I have gone through so many emotions and feelings.

I have cried almost every single day.

I have missed him every day.

I have thought about him every day.

I have wanted him every day.

I have looked for him every day.

I have waited for him every day.

In the (almost) 12 months that I have been living in Cornwall, a couple of men have tried to enter my world.

I have, at first, let them cross the threshold.

But, after a very short while, I have banished them to the boundaries.

Why???

Simply because they're not John (which I am already aware is not very healthy!).

I look for John everywhere, in everything, in everyone.

I look for, search for, hope for a thread of John, something that 'feels' like John, but not once, not ever, not with anyone have I felt it.

How can I expect to move on when I keep holding on for him, when I keep looking for him, when I keep searching, hoping, needing, wanting?

Today, Monday 30th December 2013, I have cried most of the day.

I cried when I got up, walked the dogs, made a cup of tea and I sobbed like a girl when I took down the Christmas decorations.

I haven't stopped crying.

Today is not a good day.

Today is a fucking shit day.

Today I will cry and cry and cry.

Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas 2013

Merry Christmas to you All.

Be sure to let those around you know that they are loved, that they are important to you, that you appreciate them. 

No matter how much or how little you do it, just make sure you do.

Life turns on a sixpence.

You never know when you might never, ever, ever be able to tell them or show them again.

Be kind, Be Gentle, Be Happy, Be Yourself

x

Happy Birthday to Me.....

I turned 44 yesterday.

Another birthday comes and goes without John here with me.

I started the day with the smell of him all over my bed sheets. 

The night before was the work Christmas Meal and I wore one of John's aftershaves. 

I woke up and immediately I could smell him, it was glorious and heart stopping and sad and happy and wonderful and gut wrenching all at the same time.

On the morning dog walk, prior to going to work, I had a damn good cry. 

I find our Birthdays, Christmas and our Anniversary the worst. 

John always found a reason to celebrate, indeed LIFE was for celebrating and this he did every single day of his much too short life, normally with a G&T or a dry white wine in his hand, but he celebrated!

I will always, always remember my 40th birthday more than any other - John was working in Nepal. 

So, being John, he bought me a ticket to Kathmandu to join him for a couple of weeks of adventures in Nepal, from tropical jungle to the Himalayas. 

It was fucking incredible....the most amazing adventure in a foreign country I have EVER had, EVER!
I remain, to this day, completely and utterly in love with Nepal.....a very special place indeed.

The rest of my birthday passed without much in the way of emotion, in fact, looking back on yesterday I think I was pretty 'chipper', apart from suffering with sciatica which I have had for a month now!

Yesterday was my second birthday without John and I have to admit, it did feel 'easier', still emotionally trying, especially in the morning, and he was in my mind and thoughts all day, but it felt 'ok'.

For the record, being 44, almost mid 40s and single and alone feels dreadful, it really does.
I hate it. 
I shouldn't be in this situation, John shouldn't be dead. 
We should be together, we should be happy, we should be living our wonderful, marvellous, full of love adventure, which is exactly what our marriage was, an adventure built on the foundations of true love.

.....and John made it the best adventure I've ever had.

It's Good To Talk

John died almost 19 months ago.

In that time many lovely friends and family members have advised me that I should speak to someone, a neutral party, bereavement counselling if you will.

I have constantly shunned it, refused to do it. 
It felt alien to me to talk to a complete stranger about my Grief, my Loss, my Bereavement.

After yesterday's blog video, I decided that something has got to give, I have to speak to someone. 
There are things in my head I cannot accept, deal with or understand and, hopefully, talking to a professional will help me get some sort of resolution or at least teach me how to deal with them.

So, today, I called Cruse Beareavement Care and they will be coming to see me in the near future, to listen to me, to guide me, to watch me sob and sob and sob probably!

They also run 'Friendship Groups' where you can go and meet others who have lost their partner - that seems a bit morbid to me but at least I can talk to neutral people who have gone through the same thing.

Since making the phone call to Cruse this morning , I have done nothing but cry......cry and cry and cry.

I am incredibly scared.

Petrified.

Doing this means that I am going to have to face EVERYTHING.....I will have to deal with all of it, in its entirety.

I will have to accept that John is dead.

I don't want to.

I DON'T.

I DON'T.

I DON'T.

But I Can't....

It's Not Us, It's You

Believe me when I say that, following John's illness and subsequent death, I know the meaning of friendship, of having proper 'by your side' friends, this I know and understand.

However......following John's death, friends that I thought were there for the long haul have gone, literally stopped all communication. 

Some of these friends were in mine and John's lives for our entire relationship, almost 10 years.

You enter a relationship and you pick up new friends, lose old ones, combine friends, etc, I understand all that, but what I don't understand is how friends can be friends one minute and gone the next.

Friends we had 'lost' came back into my life following John's death and assured me they would 'be there for me', they would 'be better friends', they would 'be around'........did they fuck! 

Once the funeral was over I never saw them again.

Yes, I moved 300 miles from London to Cornwall. 

The geography is of course a problem but that's why people invented the telephone, texting, emailing, FaceTime, Skype, etc, etc.

Also, I know that there are times when I could try harder to contact people, I know that, but some days I just want to cry and moan and whine and whinge and talk about my Grief, my Loss, my Sadness, but I don't want my friends getting sick of that nonsense! 

I know that's what friends are for and I would do the same for them but do you see my point??!?!!?!

What if they're having a fantastic day and I ring up crying???? (there's that paranoia!)

Some friends I can go for months without talking to them but we pick up where we left off, that's how strong our friendship is.....Bella, H-M, the Boys, K&J to name just a few.

I use Facebook a lot, mostly for pictures of Cornwall, sharing music and silly pictures of my little dogs, it IS NOT a barometer of my life at all (this blog is more me!), but when you see a so-called friend commenting on another friend's post, then finding out that the commenting friend has un-friended your profiles, well, you begin to wonder....don't you?! 

It gnaws at you, chipping away at your low self confidence and personal paranoias.

Since John died, my self esteem and confidence and pretty much non existent and I am hugely paranoid about everything - Am I doing this right? Is this ok? Should I do that? What about this? What about that? You name it I worry about it. 

John always saw me on the right path, but now, alone, I find it very hard to make decisions, to LIVE my life. 

Ultimately, in my mind, whether rightly or wrongly, I see it like this - these people, these so-called friends, they liked John, they were there for John, I was only included because I was John's Hubby (eventually!). 

They didn't like me at all and, following John's untimely death, they saw this event as the 'get out clause', they could rid themselves of me, and this I think is what these people have done.

I don't really blame them, I'm not as funny, gregarious, loud, witty or amazingly incandescent  with Life as John was, I never will be.

I'm not the most likeable of people, this I know and ultimately probably agree with.

John held the room in his hand, I can barely hold a conversation sometimes!

But....they could have had the fucking balls to tell me!

Remembrance Sunday

John died 18 months ago today.

I have no words, just my Grief.

Have you seen The Muffin Man?

Wood 'n' Wine

Last time we spoke I was Unhappy, very Unhappy.

After a few days of tantrums and tears and much too much thinking, it's safe to say that the gloom is lifting, I'm feeling a tad less Unhappy and a little bit more John McKenna.

I am still worried about income, about making ends meet, about ensuring that I can take care of my financial responsibilities, but, in the last couple of days things have happened that have made me feel that bit better.

I am doing big, adult, grown up thinking and will, hopefully, come to the right decision eventually....time will tell.

In this house I have a little wood burner in the lounge. 

Something I have never had before, something I have never, ever used before. 

I was a little apprehensive about using it and was putting it off and putting it off.

Last night our God Childrens' Dad came over and gave me 'tuition'.....it's not as bad as I was making it in my head....who knew?!?!?

So, for the first time this autumn/winter I had a roaring fire last night and it was toasty and warm in the cottage....wonderful!

Today I went out and bought a car full of wood.....there will be roaring fires every night!!!!

The other thing that happened was a tad more of a shock!

When John and I decided to get hitched we employed the services of one of our best friends to design the stationery for us (he's a designery-type, dahlings).....he did a fucking amazing job too!!! 

We saw an image of a bird we liked and we licensed a copy off the t'interweb for ourselves.

Following John's death and my move to Cornwall I decided to get the bird and some text tattooed on my left forearm. The same arm of my wedding ring finger and tattooed so that he will always be a part of me, forever.

Imagine my complete and utter surprise (and shock) while wandering aimlessly around Co-Op in Hayle yesterday. 

There, right in front of me, staring right back at me, was the bird from our Civil Partnership invitations. 

John absolutely loved to drink, it was one of his pleasures, it was a pleasure he could have won an Olympic Gold medal in! 

A dry white wine, G&T, Pimms in the Summer and a Whisky in the Winter, there was always an occasion to drink.....Always.

Not only was 'our bird' in the Co-Op Supermarket, it was on a bottle of wine.....bloody WINE!!!!!

Initially, I didn't like it, I wasn't happy with it at all.

However, after an evening of thinking, reflection and chatting with friends and family on Facebook, I realised that it really could not have been any more appropriate.

Had John been around to see it he would have emitted a huge bellowing laugh, told several people about it, bought a few bottles and drunk them in celebration.

The one thing that keeps going around in my head is that it actually happened....what are the chances of this happening for goodness sake?!?!?!?!

I'm not superstitious or a believer in 'signs' and shit like that but, as hard as I try to not think about it, I think it was some sort of 'sign', a positive, cosmic 'kick up the arse', to remind me of the good times, of my Man and his joy for Life, not me and my Grief and Loss and Sadness.

Oh they're still there, I have days where I just sob and sob and sob, but they are less than they were.

Wood and Wine.....two things my Hubby enjoyed in abundance ;-)

This makes me smile!

Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal?

This is what I am.....unhappy.

I haven't been right for a few days, pretty much since one of my best friends returned to London, following his trip here at the weekend.

His arrival (and departure) reminded me of all that I left behind in the Big City. 

My Friends.

My Life.

Our Friends.

Our Life. 

Us.

While he was here we had brief conversations about me, about John. 

He told me that I had posted some 'concerning' things in my blog. 

That I am obviously depressed and, perhaps, I should consider speaking to someone.

Yes, I am depressed, I know this, but of course I shunned such a suggestion.

I don't want to speak to anyone.

I already know how I feel, why I feel how I feel, so why speak to someone to tell me what I already feel and know?!

But what must I do instead?

Sure, something has to give, but what, how, when?

In 2.5 months I will have been here in Cornwall for a year.....it feels like a very long year.

In that time I haven't really got much of a social life going on, there have been glimmers of one, but nothing I would personally call 'a social life', although it IS picking up.

I have had a very good job and I have left it.

I now have 3 part-time jobs and my ends are not meeting.

I am concerned about honouring my financial commitments.

I am considering trying to find a 'proper' job, to leave zoo keeping and return to an office.

If ends are not met then this is what I must do, common sense dictates it.....and for those of you that are thinking it, yes, it is what John would tell me to do!

But, even a 'good' job for me isn't really enough down here, wages are awful in Cornwall.

I've considered finding a smaller home, but, based upon my requirements (the dogs mostly!), this is the smallest place I could get that would allow dogs.....for some reason they're very dog UNfriendly for rental homes here!

And to cap it all off, I found an article on my home computer from 'At Home' magazine in which they interviewed John for their 'Real Life' section, all about work experience and it's benefits.

An article I had forgotten about.

I only found it because I was cleaning up the computer to download an update.

I. Am. Crushed.

I'm really rather unhappy and my mind is all over the place.

Once again I am wondering if I did the right thing coming here, moving 300 hundred miles away from the majority of my friends, leaving my life behind, leaving an excellent job (Britain's 2nd Best PA!!!) and a lovely home, leaving John behind.....

I DO feel like I've left him behind, no matter what anyone says to the contrary.

I am sad.

I am unhappy.

I am crying a lot again.

I am angry in a flash!

I am fed up feeling like this.

I want it all to stop!

I am missing John like fucking crazy.

I honestly don't know how to make me feel better.

Here We Go Again

There are things you go through in the first year of Loss, things that you don't really think will come back again, but obviously they do and, ultimately, always will.

Birthdays

Anniversaries

Special places

Christmas

Blah

Blah

Blah

And so it is that, once again, the spectre of Christmas looms over us.

Today, while window shopping in Truro, I got a short, sharp reminder of this.

I stood there like a loon, just staring at the cards, all of which seemed to scream HUSBAND at me.

And so I did what I always do.

I cried.

As with last year, I won't be buying or receiving a Husband Christmas card.

You get past one year and you 'file away' these little things, the things that make life that little bit less bearable.

There are things almost daily that make me think of John and bring me to the edge of tears but, as was John's way, he made Christmas, special occasions and birthdays very special, really, REALLY Special.

I made a promise to myself that after last year's horror I would 'celebrate' Christmas this year, I'll make a cake, I'll decorate this little house, I'll make a proper effort, a proper effort that involves me smiling and fondly remembering, not crying and longing for the dead (yes, I will no doubt cry!).

An effort that includes him, that allows me to feel like John, my Husband, is here with me, enjoying the festivities.

That's what I intend to try and do this year for Christmas.

John will be my Christmas Spirit this year.....I will channel him and WE will have a lovely time!

Money, Money, Money

Money.

No one has any.

We all need it.

Apparently it makes the world go around.

But, if you don't have it or earn it, the bills don't get paid.

This new life of mine doesn't come with many worries, very few in fact, apart from one.

Money.

In a nutshell, ends are not meeting.

I'm not earning enough to cover rent and the associated utility bills, car, dogs, insurances, etc.

I am 'lucky' in that the rent has been paid up front for the initial 6 months here, and hopefully, I will do the same for the next 6. So, for a year, my rent is paid.

But, I should be earning enough to be able to put the rent by and I'm not.

I'm dipping into the pot on a monthly basis and the pot is emptying, quickly.

I woke up this morning with one thought in my head, one which won't go away.

"Should I find a 'proper' job?"

I am currently working 3 part time jobs, all of them on minimum wage and only one is full days - two a week!

I've got myself into a tizz over it and I really, really don't know what to do.

1. Do I stay in part time zoo keeping and hope that the hours/days increase in the Spring? 

2. Do I find a 'proper' job, another admin/PA job and go back to what I used to do?

Yes, the rent is pretty much paid until the end of June next year, but we all know how time flies.

And, after June next year there will be no pot.....hence my worrying!

I have been having conversations in my head with John, trying to imagine the responses he would give me, what he would say, the advice he would give.

Perhaps I'm not asking the right questions because I'm not getting any answers.

I'm worrying.

I'm sad.

I'm unhappy.

I'm confused.

I don't know what to do.

Did I make the right decision leaving London and a very good job/lovely home/wonderful friends?

Did I?

DID I?

Three Words......

........I miss him.

I want John back.

I want my Hubby.

I want the Man I Love.

I want all the crap in my head to go away.

I want the crying to stop.

I want to feel something more than sadness, heart pain, loss, sorrow

I've got the beginnings of a social life here in Cornwall.

I've been seeing family and local friends.

I REALLY miss my London friends.

But, when they're all gone and I'm alone again I feel lost, low, sad, lonely.

And, when I'm with them all, I'm back to that wanting to be on my own feeling again.

You can't please me, I'm a push-me-pull-you with mixed up emotions that refuse to do as they're told.

As I fumble towards another Winter without my Husband I find myself missing him and wanting him as much as I have ever done.

Another Winter?

How did that happen?

Where did the time go?

He will have been dead 18 months next month..........EIGHTEEN MONTHS!!!!

I have been without him, I have loved him, I have missed him, I have wanted him, every single day for 18 months.

I have hoped he would walk through the door and this was all a crazy, fucked up, horrible nightmare.

I still hope that.

I want to wake up.

I want to wake up and see him there in bed beside me.

I want to wake up and see him there in bed beside me and hug me.

I want to wake up and see him there in bed beside me and hug me and tell me it's going to be ok.

Because I'm back to feeling like it's not going to be ok.

I'm back to thinking that I cannot cope with this.

I'm back to thinking that I cannot deal with him not being here.

I'm back to thinking too fucking much!

The Lord of my Ring

In early 2011, John and I went to Mexico.

As with all our travels, it was an incredible, amazing adventure, not a holiday, a proper Adventure!

While we were there we took a trip to the Sian Ka'an Nature Reserve, a beautiful untouched piece of Mexican natural beauty.

On the schedule of things to do was snorkelling....something I was rather nervous about, what with my fear of deep water. 

However, after having watched wild Bottlenose Dolphins around our boat accompanied by Green Turtles, I decided that I should at least give it a go.

So I did.

Within a few short minutes I realised that, quite literally, I was way out of my depth.

I panicked.

My hands flailed all over the place and, as I was flailing, my wedding ring was pulled from my finger and I watched as it fall to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

I. Was. Gutted.

I got out of the water, sat on the boat and I cried.

What did my wonderful Hubby say?

"There are worse ways and locations to lose a wedding ring!"

He saw the positive in everything, something I really miss.

Why am I telling you this and where is it going?

Well....

I've been thinking a lot about my wedding ring recently and I've been wondering about 'getting it back'.

I've been considering contacting Stephen Einhorn in London who made my ring and asking them to recreate it for me....they must have the original order somewhere from John?!

No, it wouldn't be THE ring but it would be a faithful facsimile of 'my precious'.

The big question is......should I? 

What purpose would it serve?

Why do I need it again now?

Am I clutching at proverbial straws? 

Something to keep John close to me?

Is it healthy to do it?

I really don't know whether to or not. 

I haven't had it in my possession since March 2011 so it's not as if I have lost it since John died.

But I reeeeeeeeeeally want it now.

It is fast becoming an obsession.

Me, Myself & I

Before I met John I was a serial monogamist.

I'd go out with anyone that would have me, eager to be wanted, loved, needed.

Life out of a relationship was unthinkable, I couldn't possibly be ALONE!

And then, in the winter of 2002, I met Mr Ellis, The One.

I knew from the moment I met him that we would be boyfriends, that we would have a relationship, that we would be an 'Us'.

John knew it too.

We were meant to be, destined.

Even if I had known from that very first day that I would only have had a little under 10 years with him, I would have still pursued him (and I was the one that did nearly all the pursuing!!!!).

Times change, indeed my entire life has changed since John's death and, ultimately, I have changed.

Where I was once almost desperate for attention, love, any form of affection, I find myself no longer requiring it.

Why am I telling you this?! 

Well.......I've met a really nice man recently, a local man, a man that ticks a lot of boxes, we've had a few 'dates'.....but.....I don't want it.

It's not that I'm not ready, that it's too soon, that he's not John, (insert psycho babble here!), etc, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah. 

It's purely and simply that I do not want a relationship, I don't want to get into that position, that situation, I can feel myself pushing it away, putting up walls and barriers. Drinks, dinner, meeting up for social activities is fine, but I do not want to be a boyfriend, yet.

I had a FaceTime chat with my gorgeous sister in law a couple of evenings ago and, among other things, I told her that I couldn't have a relationship because I didn't want 'ordinary' or 'normal'....thankfully, she understood completely what I meant.

My life with John was fucking extraordinary, John was extraordinary.....I was spoilt, spoilt rotten with the man and life that I had.

To follow that life, those experiences, those adventures, with something 'everyday normal' and 'ordinary' is, for me, unacceptable......I won't and can't do that.

For a man to come along and follow that is, for him and without knowing it, going to be extremely difficult.

I can't and won't compare any man to John but the stakes have been set, the bar is incredibly high and, as much as I am not comparing, I know what I had and I don't want anything less (maybe I am comparing, just a tad).

Any man is quite literally going to have to pull the rug from under my feet for me to even consider him.....and sadly, this chap I've met, as much as I like him, hasn't even tugged the rug (that sounds very wrong!!!!!).

I am aware that this chapter probably comes across as me, me, me and makes me sound very spoilt and selfish. I'm not and it isn't supposed to but this is the best way I can explain it.....

It's also very liberating saying "I don't want a relationship".....it feels freeing, like shedding a skin, I rather 'like' the feeling. 

For months after John died I felt like I urgently needed to find someone else, to fill the gaping void, to give me closeness again, some form of love and affection, but for once in my life, I want to be a Me, not an Us.

I think, for the foreseeable future (unless the fabled Rug Puller comes along), it's going to have to be just Me, Max and Moo......and a social life......no men, no complications, no emotional 'stuff'.....

Just Me, my perfect little Family and my lovely, loyal Friends.

Keep Calm and Carrion

Today is Saturday.

Just another day of the week.

Not a particularly nice day outside, it's raining and the temperature has dropped.

Today is International Vulture Awareness Day

Since posting a picture and some text on Facebook I have felt 'sad'.

All I can think about is John, his work, his passion for conservation, our trips to exotic countries (including Nepal and the magnificent Himalayas to try and see wild Vultures).

I am, of course and without doubt, extremely proud of my Hubby and the work that he accomplished (I always will be!), the foundations that he laid and the wisdom he passed on to those in India and Nepal and around the world.

John teaching at the Vulture Breeding Centre in Nepal

But today, I find myself really missing him.

I miss him every day, but today is a subject close to both of us, it was part of our relationship.

I have cried.

And I will no doubt cry more.

Today's motto!!!!

We Are The Stars Made Conscious

As those that follow this blog will know, I'm not one for religion, Heaven, God, blah, blah, blah.

I, like John, am a man of Science.

Science provides proof, whereas religion in all its manifestations, asks us to believe in something purely from a Faith perspective. 

To believe in something, in a deity you cannot prove to me is real, is in my mind, wrong.

I don't and never will deny those that wish to seek or follow a religious path, each to their own, it's just not for me, it's not something I can honestly 'hand on heart' believe in.

A very good friend (I consider her more family than friend!) sent me this eulogy. 
It has helped her with John's death, being of a scientific mind too.
I read it and what stands out for me is "not a bit of you is gone, you're just less orderly"......this sentence is 'so' John.....he was a right messy bugger, always disorganised, disorderly, leaving his trail of detritus around the home.....(I secretly loved clearing up after him but would 'complain' just to wind him up).
And no, he's not gone, his gorgeous sexy body may have disappeared but his energy is here, bouncing around the cosmos, mixing with the energy of the planet he worked so hard to conserve and protect.
And that's how I feel about this new house, it's like his energy is here, has been here, has left it's mark. 
I don't feel John's presence, I've never been 'visited' by John-like apparitions in the deepest, darkest hours of the night (I wish!), but I like to think his energy, his life-force, is swirling around me like a "Johnnie-aura" of love (that sounds as corny as shit, but I'm not apologetic!).

We Are Stars by The Pierces - one of 'our' records......

John and I actually used to 'smooch' to this in the flat in London......what I'd give to hold him close and dance to a romantic record.

"I see nothing worse, than to sail this universe, without you"

Loved Me Back To Life

It's true to say that I'm by no means out of the woods yet.
I think the journey Grief has set for me will be a long one.
I still cry most days for one reason or another.
I will always love and miss John, as will all his family and friends.
You don't "get over" a man like John Ellis, and why would you want to?!?!

However, to my friends and family, those that have watched me break down, listened to me cry and question, helped me out emotionally, mentally, financially and any other 'ly', looked after me, hugged me, been there for me, made sure I was ok, supplied me with cake and copious amounts of alcohol......this is dedicated to you......

Thank you........I Love You All x

I was walking dead, stuck inside my head
I couldn't get out, turn the lights down
The voices inside were so loud

Need a jump-start, catatonia, I couldn't feel
I wished that I could disappear
The voices inside were so real

But you stood by my side
Night after night, night after night

You loved me back to life
From the coma, the wait is over
You loved me back to life

I'll leave the rest to Celine (who I'm not a great fan of, but this new track of hers is very appropriate!).

Killing Me Softly

How do I explain this???

I s'pose I just jump in both feet first and blurt it out......

This morning I woke up thinking about suicide. 

Actually, actively, properly thinking about it. 

I didn't wake up and then start to think about it, it was already in my head, being thunk about!!!

As soon as I realised what I was thinking, I sat there, on the edge of the bed, not even fully awake, and I cried, I just cried.

I've been on the edge of tears all day. 

And scared, feeling physically and emotionally scared.

What does it say about me?

What does it say about my 'mental health'?

Am I really that dark and low inside?

Is it normal?

Should I stop eating cheese or chocolate so close to bed time?

What scares me the most is, while thinking about what I was thinking I started thinking that it 'felt preferable' to life without John, even with all the wonderful positives in my life, of which there are many.

Now THAT scares me!!!

I've had a washing machine tummy all day.

Tears that fall freely.

It's still on my mind, I haven't stopped thinking about it.

I can't stop thinking about it.

No doubt a fair few people will think I need to seek out a counsellor.

To that I say what I have always said......No.

I'm not ready for that and, more importantly, I don't want to.

To talk about me would be to talk about John and about us.

I could never adequately explain our relationship, or indeed do my man justice by way of a pathetic explanation to some complete stranger who never knew him, doesn't know me and never knew John & John the couple.
No. No. No.

I will work it out, one way or the other.

Our love is dead, but the dead don't go away

They made us what we are, they're with us every day

Our love is dead, but the dead they're still alive

In memory and thoughts, and the context they provide