Three Words......

........I miss him.

I want John back.

I want my Hubby.

I want the Man I Love.

I want all the crap in my head to go away.

I want the crying to stop.

I want to feel something more than sadness, heart pain, loss, sorrow

I've got the beginnings of a social life here in Cornwall.

I've been seeing family and local friends.

I REALLY miss my London friends.

But, when they're all gone and I'm alone again I feel lost, low, sad, lonely.

And, when I'm with them all, I'm back to that wanting to be on my own feeling again.

You can't please me, I'm a push-me-pull-you with mixed up emotions that refuse to do as they're told.

As I fumble towards another Winter without my Husband I find myself missing him and wanting him as much as I have ever done.

Another Winter?

How did that happen?

Where did the time go?

He will have been dead 18 months next month..........EIGHTEEN MONTHS!!!!

I have been without him, I have loved him, I have missed him, I have wanted him, every single day for 18 months.

I have hoped he would walk through the door and this was all a crazy, fucked up, horrible nightmare.

I still hope that.

I want to wake up.

I want to wake up and see him there in bed beside me.

I want to wake up and see him there in bed beside me and hug me.

I want to wake up and see him there in bed beside me and hug me and tell me it's going to be ok.

Because I'm back to feeling like it's not going to be ok.

I'm back to thinking that I cannot cope with this.

I'm back to thinking that I cannot deal with him not being here.

I'm back to thinking too fucking much!