Believe me when I say that, following John's illness and subsequent death, I know the meaning of friendship, of having proper 'by your side' friends, this I know and understand.
However......following John's death, friends that I thought were there for the long haul have gone, literally stopped all communication.
Some of these friends were in mine and John's lives for our entire relationship, almost 10 years.
You enter a relationship and you pick up new friends, lose old ones, combine friends, etc, I understand all that, but what I don't understand is how friends can be friends one minute and gone the next.
Friends we had 'lost' came back into my life following John's death and assured me they would 'be there for me', they would 'be better friends', they would 'be around'........did they fuck!
Once the funeral was over I never saw them again.
Yes, I moved 300 miles from London to Cornwall.
The geography is of course a problem but that's why people invented the telephone, texting, emailing, FaceTime, Skype, etc, etc.
Also, I know that there are times when I could try harder to contact people, I know that, but some days I just want to cry and moan and whine and whinge and talk about my Grief, my Loss, my Sadness, but I don't want my friends getting sick of that nonsense!
I know that's what friends are for and I would do the same for them but do you see my point??!?!!?!
What if they're having a fantastic day and I ring up crying???? (there's that paranoia!)
Some friends I can go for months without talking to them but we pick up where we left off, that's how strong our friendship is.....Bella, H-M, the Boys, K&J to name just a few.
I use Facebook a lot, mostly for pictures of Cornwall, sharing music and silly pictures of my little dogs, it IS NOT a barometer of my life at all (this blog is more me!), but when you see a so-called friend commenting on another friend's post, then finding out that the commenting friend has un-friended your profiles, well, you begin to wonder....don't you?!
It gnaws at you, chipping away at your low self confidence and personal paranoias.
Since John died, my self esteem and confidence and pretty much non existent and I am hugely paranoid about everything - Am I doing this right? Is this ok? Should I do that? What about this? What about that? You name it I worry about it.
John always saw me on the right path, but now, alone, I find it very hard to make decisions, to LIVE my life.
Ultimately, in my mind, whether rightly or wrongly, I see it like this - these people, these so-called friends, they liked John, they were there for John, I was only included because I was John's Hubby (eventually!).
They didn't like me at all and, following John's untimely death, they saw this event as the 'get out clause', they could rid themselves of me, and this I think is what these people have done.
I don't really blame them, I'm not as funny, gregarious, loud, witty or amazingly incandescent with Life as John was, I never will be.
I'm not the most likeable of people, this I know and ultimately probably agree with.
John held the room in his hand, I can barely hold a conversation sometimes!
But....they could have had the fucking balls to tell me!
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