Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Killing Me Softly

How do I explain this???

I s'pose I just jump in both feet first and blurt it out......

This morning I woke up thinking about suicide. 
Actually, actively, properly thinking about it. 
I didn't wake up and then start to think about it, it was already in my head, being thunk about!!!

As soon as I realised what I was thinking, I sat there, on the edge of the bed, not even fully awake, and I cried, I just cried.

I've been on the edge of tears all day. 
And scared, feeling physically and emotionally scared.

What does it say about me?
What does it say about my 'mental health'?
Am I really that dark and low inside?
Is it normal?
Should I stop eating cheese or chocolate so close to bed time?

What scares me the most is, while thinking about what I was thinking I started thinking that it 'felt preferable' to life without John, even with all the wonderful positives in my life, of which there are many.

Now THAT scares me!!!

I've had a washing machine tummy all day.
Tears that fall freely.
It's still on my mind, I haven't stopped thinking about it.
I can't stop thinking about it.

No doubt a fair few people will think I need to seek out a counsellor.
To that I say what I have always said......No.
I'm not ready for that and, more importantly, I don't want to.
To talk about me would be to talk about John and about us.
I could never adequately explain our relationship, or indeed do my man justice by way of a pathetic explanation to some complete stranger who never knew him, doesn't know me and never knew John & John the couple.
No. No. No.

I will work it out, one way or the other.

Our love is dead, but the dead don't go away
They made us what we are, they're with us every day
Our love is dead, but the dead they're still alive
In memory and thoughts, and the context they provide

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