Relight my Fire

My new home has a fireplace. 

In fact, it has two fireplaces but only one is functional.

Last night I tried to light a fire and I failed miserably and instead of a roaring fire I spent the evening surrounded by the smell of charred wood.

I went to bed worried that as we fell asleep we'd all die from some noxious gas inhalation.

I worried all night about that.

Eventually, in the early hours I fell asleep.

The dogs and I didn't die in the night.

Funny how a few months back it's what I wanted.

To go.

To 'be with John'.

Notice his hand on my shoulder :-)

It's miserable and wet here today and just a tad cold.

So this afternoon I tried once again to light a fire.

I am pleased to announce that for the last couple of hours we have had a roaring fire.

I did it!

In all honesty, this sort of thing I would have left to John...and he would have loved it anyway!

He was so much better at practical things than I ever was.

But now, alone with no one to turn to for support, help or reliance, I must do these things myself.

It's a double edged sword.

I love that I am doing things on my terms, learning all the time...

I hate, HATE, HATE that John isn't here witnessing my emergence as a fully bona fide human being who can actually take care of himself (shock, horror!!!).

I have been very tearful recently.

John is always there, in the forefront of my mind, all the time.

Things I do, places I go, people I meet (I wish I could introduce them to my Husband!!!!!!).

I absolutely detest grocery shopping and the subsequent cooking for one. 
I DETEST IT!

If I could live my life on a packet of crisps/slice of cake and copious amounts of alcohol, I would....so much easier!

But plod on I do and will.

I find most days difficult at one time or another, just functioning takes effort.

I mentioned to my friend Lawrence yesterday that I still feel mentally 'tired', not yet ready to take on the world again. 

I am still consumed by grief for the man I am and probably will always be in love with.

I still don't understand the master plan behind the taking of one so alive.

It wasn't his time.

It wasn't.

IT FUCKING WASN'T! 

I know this song is more about loss after betrayal rather than death but the following words more than adequately describe how I feel inside.

I can't hear this song without sobbing.

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the rooftops

Write it on the skyline

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken 

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be impossible...