Recognition

Don't get me wrong, I'm holding it together quite well at the moment, however, I am absolutely FULL of emotional 'confusion'. It's not the right word to use, but the best one to fit how I feel inside my head and heart....I am crying at the click of a finger at the moment.

What are the chances that me, John McKenna, once (a rather successful) PA to the CEO of a private hospital in Chelsea, can then leave, move to Cornwall, apply for what was, quite frankly, the only PA to CEO job in Cornwall, get an interview and then GET THE JOB?!?!?! 

It staggers me that I did it, that I am the successful candidate (No, I don't have any self confidence at all!).

What gets me emotional about this is that I did it on my own. This might sound a bit stupid coming from a man of 43 years but in the past John was there, to guide me and help me, look over my application, give a few choice 'Ellis words of encouragement', that sort of thing. 

But this time, without John here, I did it alone, I had no choice but to do it alone.....and I bloody well won, I got the job! 

My emotional state is like a push-me-pull-you, I'm happy that I got the job under my own steam but I wish John was here to know that I did, I wish John was here to see how I am doing, I wish John was here to enjoy it with me and the dogs.....

I WISH JOHN WAS HERE!

What has got me well and truly emotional today is that I received an email from John's PA at London Zoo this morning. His plaque is now up and installed in the Bird House of London Zoo. Jackie has been kind enough to send me a couple of pictures of it and it does look good but I am now gagging to go to London and see it, touch it, talk to it. As I have said previously, I am gagging, absolutely GAGGING to talk to John, I am thinking about it a lot recently, all I want to do is talk to him.....and not being able to is filling me with frustrated sadness.

I am, in all honesty, really jealous of London Zoo and John's colleagues.

Why?

Because they 'have' John.

He is there....literally.

His 'soul' is there....you can feel him when you walk around, London Zoo is soaked in his 'presence'.

And now, the final act of placing his plaque in the Bird House has been achieved.

John was London Zoo.

John is London Zoo.

London Zoo will always have John.

John will always be at London Zoo.

I know I have the Love we shared, our marriage, our life together, memories, photographs, etc, etc.....but I do feel like London Zoo got the best 'deal' following John's death.....does that even make sense?!?!?!?! 

Hopefully you will understand what I am so un-eloquently trying to say?!

Also, with a plaque up in the Bird House it is a very big reminder that he is dead. I still think that he is in Germany, in that critical care bed, waiting for someone to visit him. There have been many times when I have thought about getting on a plane to Bremen just to check he's not still there! And, as much as this is a stupid thing to admit, I have sometimes thought that he actually recovered, that he's ok, he just didn't want me anymore so a fake death was created to 'get out of being with me'.....yeah, I know, fucking stupid.....but believe me when I say I've thought much worse than that!

Since May last year I have lost John, my Husband, the love of my life.

I have left my job.

I have left London.

I have found a new home, lost it and then found another in Cornwall.

I have moved (on the worst snow day!).

I have applied for a job.

I have been interviewed.

I have got the job.

All this means that Cornwall is now 'done'....all the boxes have been ticked and I am officially living and working here, earning Cornish money and paying Cornish taxes (and eating way too many Cornish pasties!!!!!!).

I feel a sense of achievement but also a huge sense of loss.

I am here, I have done it, but I am, ultimately, alone.

Without John I'm just a lonely old man with two dogs, living by the sea, wishing his Hubby was still alive and with him (there go the tears!).

Oh, and to drive the message home, it's also John's birthday next Tuesday....