New Job

Tomorrow morning at approximately 9am I start my new job.

I am nervous.

Very nervous.

I haven't had a new job for almost 10 years.

I don't know anyone there.

They don't know me.

They don't know anything about me.

They don't know anything about us.

They don't know anything about John.

My Boss, the CEO I will be PA to, knows that John died last May.

No one else there knows a single, solitary thing about me.

I find myself in an odd position, mentally.

I can tell them as little or as much as I like.

I hold all the cards about John "Britain's Next Top PA 2011" McKenna.

It's almost a position of power but one I find myself feeling a little bit sad about.

In another life, my previous life, I would have gone in all guns blazing and I would tell them all about my wonderful, fabulous, incredible, intelligent, handsome Hubby.

They would hear all about our amazing life, the places we've been, the things we've done together.

They would hear A LOT more about him than they would ever hear about me!

But.....I will be me, singular.

If people ask about my previous life in London I will give morsels of information rather than a never ending tale....for now.

On 30th November 2012 my old life ended when I left The Lister Hospital in Chelsea, London.

On 1st March 2013, exactly 3 months later, my new life officially begins when I start my new job in Cornwall.

I'm not entirely sure I am mentally ready for this, but, I think this is the right time.

I have to get back into the familiar rhythm of life, for me and the dogs.
All three of us need some routine, some day to day purpose.

I am John McKenna.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I'm coming back.

Coincidentally, this track has been going round and round in my head recently.

I am well aware it's about a break up rather than the death of someone.

However, I find it very relevant to the end of my old life/the start of my new life, to the John and me of then and now.

It works both ways.

(and I sob like a girl when I listen to it!)

John was definitely the carnival that ended too soon!

'Happy' Birthday

This picture was taken a year ago on 19th February 2012.

We were in Sharm-El-Sheikh for some winter sun.

A holiday with very little bird watching but lots of fish spotting, eating and drinking (of course!).

We nearly always went away around our birthdays, they were something to get excited about.....another adventure in the lives of Mr & Mr McEllis....how I miss adventures with John!

Had you told me a year ago that in 3 months my Hubby would be dead and that in less than a year me the dogs would be living in Cornwall, I would have laughed in your face.

Actually, I think I might well have smacked you one for suggesting that John would be dead!

Today is John's 54th birthday.

Tonight, I will raise a glass, in fact several glasses, to the man that made me so very happy.

The man that inspired me.

The man that taught me to see beyond the every day.

The man that I love.

The man that loved me.

My Husband, the Love of My Life.

Happy Birthday Darling - I Love You X

Recognition

Don't get me wrong, I'm holding it together quite well at the moment, however, I am absolutely FULL of emotional 'confusion'. It's not the right word to use, but the best one to fit how I feel inside my head and heart....I am crying at the click of a finger at the moment.

What are the chances that me, John McKenna, once (a rather successful) PA to the CEO of a private hospital in Chelsea, can then leave, move to Cornwall, apply for what was, quite frankly, the only PA to CEO job in Cornwall, get an interview and then GET THE JOB?!?!?! 

It staggers me that I did it, that I am the successful candidate (No, I don't have any self confidence at all!).

What gets me emotional about this is that I did it on my own. This might sound a bit stupid coming from a man of 43 years but in the past John was there, to guide me and help me, look over my application, give a few choice 'Ellis words of encouragement', that sort of thing. 

But this time, without John here, I did it alone, I had no choice but to do it alone.....and I bloody well won, I got the job! 

My emotional state is like a push-me-pull-you, I'm happy that I got the job under my own steam but I wish John was here to know that I did, I wish John was here to see how I am doing, I wish John was here to enjoy it with me and the dogs.....

I WISH JOHN WAS HERE!

What has got me well and truly emotional today is that I received an email from John's PA at London Zoo this morning. His plaque is now up and installed in the Bird House of London Zoo. Jackie has been kind enough to send me a couple of pictures of it and it does look good but I am now gagging to go to London and see it, touch it, talk to it. As I have said previously, I am gagging, absolutely GAGGING to talk to John, I am thinking about it a lot recently, all I want to do is talk to him.....and not being able to is filling me with frustrated sadness.

I am, in all honesty, really jealous of London Zoo and John's colleagues.

Why?

Because they 'have' John.

He is there....literally.

His 'soul' is there....you can feel him when you walk around, London Zoo is soaked in his 'presence'.

And now, the final act of placing his plaque in the Bird House has been achieved.

John was London Zoo.

John is London Zoo.

London Zoo will always have John.

John will always be at London Zoo.

I know I have the Love we shared, our marriage, our life together, memories, photographs, etc, etc.....but I do feel like London Zoo got the best 'deal' following John's death.....does that even make sense?!?!?!?! 

Hopefully you will understand what I am so un-eloquently trying to say?!

Also, with a plaque up in the Bird House it is a very big reminder that he is dead. I still think that he is in Germany, in that critical care bed, waiting for someone to visit him. There have been many times when I have thought about getting on a plane to Bremen just to check he's not still there! And, as much as this is a stupid thing to admit, I have sometimes thought that he actually recovered, that he's ok, he just didn't want me anymore so a fake death was created to 'get out of being with me'.....yeah, I know, fucking stupid.....but believe me when I say I've thought much worse than that!

Since May last year I have lost John, my Husband, the love of my life.

I have left my job.

I have left London.

I have found a new home, lost it and then found another in Cornwall.

I have moved (on the worst snow day!).

I have applied for a job.

I have been interviewed.

I have got the job.

All this means that Cornwall is now 'done'....all the boxes have been ticked and I am officially living and working here, earning Cornish money and paying Cornish taxes (and eating way too many Cornish pasties!!!!!!).

I feel a sense of achievement but also a huge sense of loss.

I am here, I have done it, but I am, ultimately, alone.

Without John I'm just a lonely old man with two dogs, living by the sea, wishing his Hubby was still alive and with him (there go the tears!).

Oh, and to drive the message home, it's also John's birthday next Tuesday....

Interview

This morning.....

My first job interview in almost 10 years.

My first job interview in Cornwall.

My first job interview in almost 10 years, without John.

John was the person I always turned to, to ask questions, to get reassurance, to hug when it all got a bit much.

For a while now I have been really wanting to talk to John. 

To ask questions.

To get answers.

To get reassurance. 

I cannot tell you how much I really, REALLY want to talk to him.

I spent half the car journey on the way to my interview this morning either talking out loud to John or crying.

I can 'hear' the words he would say, I just want to HEAR them!

I had friends here for the weekend and we talked about John, I cried and I laughed and we remembered.

But it's not enough for me.

Not enough at all.

I want him.

I want to hear him.

I want to feel him.

I want a big, warm, furry, Johnnie-bear-hug!

Anyway, only time will tell if I am to be the next PA to the CEO of Heartlands (http://www.heartlandscornwall.com) 

I think the interview went ok......not my best, but then it is the first one in ten years!

Fingers crossed as they say......

Roses are Red.....

.....and my Husband is dead.

So.....what is it with Tesco?

Why is it that when I step foot in there I have an emotional outburst?

This morning was no exception....yet more tears in the aisles!!!

Last time, it was Valentine's Cards, today is was red roses destined for Valentine's sweethearts.

I walked into the supermarket and they were everywhere, it was a sea of scarlet, as far as the eye could see. 
There were cards, flowers, gifts, chocolates, rosé wine, blah, blah, blah!

John and I never did Valentine's Day, simply because it's a huge waste of money! 

Traditionally it's not for couples anyway, it's for those who are single and want the object of their desire to be theirs, for proposals of marriage, hence 'Be My Valentine'.

All this material crap is just the supermarkets making a very fucking big buck out of the general public.

And, for me, I will not be told when I can tell and show the person I love, that I love them. 

I'll do it on my terms, when I want and how I want....and with John it was every single day. 

Each and every day throughout our relationship, even if he was on a different continent, in a different time zone, I would make sure that I told him that I loved him, that I was in love with him, that I AM in love with him.

Fuck this material peer pressure shite!

Don't wait for Valentine's Day to tell your 'Special Someone' that you love them....do it each and every day or whenever you feel the need, not on a date set by people who just want to fleece you of your hard earned cash!!!

When you wake up in the middle of the night whisper in their ear 'I Love You'.

Call them during the day from the office just to say 'I Love You'.

If you argue, right in the middle of the argument just stop, look them in the eye and say 'I Love You' (it works every time!).

Leave little messages around the house, in their sock drawer, on the fridge door, stuck to a bottle of wine, just a simple 'I Love You'.

A bunch of daffs on a spring day will get my attention a whole lot more than a bunch of red, drooping, sorry looking, expensive roses (which incidentally have been flown from deepest Africa for you to buy your love).

Just make sure that you tell them, that they know how much you are in love with them, because believe me when I say YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MIGHT NEVER, EVER, EVER BE ABLE TO TELL THEM AGAIN!!!

A Moment In Time....

It's been building inside for a bit of a cry......s'pose I should let it out.....

Relight my Fire

My new home has a fireplace. 

In fact, it has two fireplaces but only one is functional.

Last night I tried to light a fire and I failed miserably and instead of a roaring fire I spent the evening surrounded by the smell of charred wood.

I went to bed worried that as we fell asleep we'd all die from some noxious gas inhalation.

I worried all night about that.

Eventually, in the early hours I fell asleep.

The dogs and I didn't die in the night.

Funny how a few months back it's what I wanted.

To go.

To 'be with John'.

Notice his hand on my shoulder :-)

It's miserable and wet here today and just a tad cold.

So this afternoon I tried once again to light a fire.

I am pleased to announce that for the last couple of hours we have had a roaring fire.

I did it!

In all honesty, this sort of thing I would have left to John...and he would have loved it anyway!

He was so much better at practical things than I ever was.

But now, alone with no one to turn to for support, help or reliance, I must do these things myself.

It's a double edged sword.

I love that I am doing things on my terms, learning all the time...

I hate, HATE, HATE that John isn't here witnessing my emergence as a fully bona fide human being who can actually take care of himself (shock, horror!!!).

I have been very tearful recently.

John is always there, in the forefront of my mind, all the time.

Things I do, places I go, people I meet (I wish I could introduce them to my Husband!!!!!!).

I absolutely detest grocery shopping and the subsequent cooking for one. 
I DETEST IT!

If I could live my life on a packet of crisps/slice of cake and copious amounts of alcohol, I would....so much easier!

But plod on I do and will.

I find most days difficult at one time or another, just functioning takes effort.

I mentioned to my friend Lawrence yesterday that I still feel mentally 'tired', not yet ready to take on the world again. 

I am still consumed by grief for the man I am and probably will always be in love with.

I still don't understand the master plan behind the taking of one so alive.

It wasn't his time.

It wasn't.

IT FUCKING WASN'T! 

I know this song is more about loss after betrayal rather than death but the following words more than adequately describe how I feel inside.

I can't hear this song without sobbing.

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the rooftops

Write it on the skyline

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken 

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be impossible...

An Extraordinary Character

I want to share this email....the sender has given me permission to do so...

Hi John,

I stumbled across your blog as Facebook randomly directed me to my cousin's husband and I hoped I might see some pics of their baby.

What I noticed first was the lovely picture of yourself and your husband. You both sat at our table at Tim & Kat's wedding and I just felt compelled to send you a quick message. I was totally moved by your posts, I hope you don't mind me looking briefly at your blog. It reminded me that when Johnnie died my Mum asked us all to pray and hold you in our thoughts. 

I just wanted you to know that even people you don't know were & are thinking of you at such a terrible time. We heard how devastated Tim was about losing such a lovely friend. It's clear that your husband was one of life's extraordinary characters. I'm sure that your blog will help your friends to feel closer to you and hopefully reach out to other people who are suffering the hideous painful isolation of grief.

It always takes me by surprise when people contact me after reading 'Good Grief'. I never really think about others reading it, I just type, upload and that's it for me.

To the lovely lady that took the time to email me, Thank You.....

Every Little Helps

The new washing machine arrived yesterday so I decided that today would be 'washing day'. I ran down to Tesco in Penzance to load up with the necessary detergents, softeners, etc and made my jolly way to the check out....and yes, I was jolly.

I was waiting at the check-out for the lady in front of me to pay when I spied to my right a large selection of Valentine's cards.

One card in particular caught my eye.

A Husband Is....

A smile in the morning,

a kiss at the door,

a big cosy jumper,

his socks (and pants!) on the floor,

a hug when you need it,

a table for two,

his hands strong and gentle,

his eyes just for you,

a favourite love song,

a life built together,

a soulmate, 

the one,

your best friend forever.

I stood there, staring at the card, and I cried.

The poor old girl at the check-out didn't know which way to turn.

I said Hello, I packed my bag, I paid my bill and I left.

I sat in the car in Tesco car park and I cried.

Deep in the tangled mess that is John McKenna lies my broken heart....