Sunday, 3 March 2013

A Low

I heard this song last night on the TV and it has kicked off something of a low.

John used to sing along to this song some evenings while he was cooking and it has nothing but happy, lovely memories attached to it.
I sat there, listening to the TV, I stared at his portrait on the living room wall and I sobbed.
It was in that very moment that I missed him, I mean REALLY missed him.
I literally 'ache' for him.
I am so eager to talk to him.
Knowing that I cannot just makes me feel worse.
I've spent the weekend with my niece, sister and god children, which has been wonderful......but.....when I am alone I am incredibly lonely.
I feel VERY lonely when I am in this house on my own - there's only so much conversation I can have with Max and Moo!!!
It's not like I'm not seeing people and not having some sort of social life, I am.
But lone time, just me and the dogs, is not something I am enjoying.
And I really need a hug, a cuddle, a pair of warm arms around me to make me feel like it's going to be ok.
Because, truthfully, I don't feel ok.
I honestly don't.
I have a new job which I have spent the weekend worrying about because, now that I have a job, I am paranoid that I cannot do it, that I will fuck it up, that I'm not good enough.
Also, as I have said previously, I'm not even sure I'm ready to go back to work.
Am I?
I don't know.
I find it difficult some days to make any small decisions, let alone organise the office of a CEO!
So much is going round in my head, it's full to bursting with thoughts, most of which are negative or stupid or plain fucking silly! 
But they're there.
It's a difficult day today and I cannot shake it.
The tears are bubbling right under the surface.

I just want a hug.......

From John.

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