A Low

I heard this song last night on the TV and it has kicked off something of a low.

John used to sing along to this song some evenings while he was cooking and it has nothing but happy, lovely memories attached to it.

I sat there, listening to the TV, I stared at his portrait on the living room wall and I sobbed.

It was in that very moment that I missed him, I mean REALLY missed him.

I literally 'ache' for him.

I am so eager to talk to him.

Knowing that I cannot just makes me feel worse.

I've spent the weekend with my niece, sister and god children, which has been wonderful......but.....when I am alone I am incredibly lonely.

I feel VERY lonely when I am in this house on my own - there's only so much conversation I can have with Max and Moo!!!

It's not like I'm not seeing people and not having some sort of social life, I am.

But lone time, just me and the dogs, is not something I am enjoying.

And I really need a hug, a cuddle, a pair of warm arms around me to make me feel like it's going to be ok.

Because, truthfully, I don't feel ok.

I honestly don't.

I have a new job which I have spent the weekend worrying about because, now that I have a job, I am paranoid that I cannot do it, that I will fuck it up, that I'm not good enough.

Also, as I have said previously, I'm not even sure I'm ready to go back to work.

Am I?

I don't know.

I find it difficult some days to make any small decisions, let alone organise the office of a CEO!

So much is going round in my head, it's full to bursting with thoughts, most of which are negative or stupid or plain fucking silly! 

But they're there.

It's a difficult day today and I cannot shake it.

The tears are bubbling right under the surface.

I just want a hug.......

From John.