Mo(u)rnings

My mornings have returned to being depressive, negative, dark and unhappy.

It takes me all day to ‘warm up’ and resemble something remotely normal.

These black mornings have got me making really quite stupid, irrational decisions.

AGAIN.

I’ve decided to resign from my job more than once and I’ve only been there for nearly 2 weeks.

I’ve decided to return to London (yesterday I was absolutely decided on this!).

I’ve considered moving abroad (I’m still running away).

These and other stupid ideas are bouncing around in my head when I wake up each and every morning.

They stick around for a while and then, like sunlight peeking from behind a cloud, they go, one by one, back from whence they came.

I slowly figure things out and file them away.

But…..

I am finding mornings really hard.

AGAIN.

It doesn’t help that I have to find yet another home for me and the dogs.

AGAIN.

I’m feeling really unsettled.

AGAIN.

I am worrying everyday about whether or not we will find another house.

AGAIN!!!

I’m pretty sure the dark, horrid mornings have returned because next month and May will be the 1^st anniversaries of John falling ill and subsequently dying.

I am DREADING April and May, really, REALLY dreading them.

These are the worst anniversaries that we, his family and friends, will have to endure since John died.

In my head I am already re-living the month I spent in Germany with John.

Apart from one very special moment when he woke up from the coma and we kissed, all of it is horrid.

All of it.

Over the coming couple of months there will be much “this time last year…..”, etc, etc, etc.

And crying…..lots and lots of crying.

I have cried for almost a year – I’m a one-man drought solution!!!

I am still lonely.

Very lonely.

Things in Cornwall are picking up and with the new job comes new friends.

But as I’ve said before, even with people around me I feel like the only one in the room.

I feel lonely even when I am surrounded by friends and family.

It’s hard to explain it properly but it feels like since John died I’ve been placed in a giant bubble.

I can see and hear everyone around me but I am still alone.

They can see and hear me but they can’t reach me and I can’t reach them.

You know in Lord of the Rings when Frodo puts the ring on and ‘disappears’?

THAT’S how I feel…..removed from my surroundings even though I’m still very much there.

Is it me getting used to being single again? I'm not sure.

I don’t want to be single.

I don’t want to think single.

I don’t want to live single.

It’s not intentional as some sort of weird coping mechanism but in my head I live my life as though John is away on the conference – he’s still working in Germany and just hasn’t come home yet.

We are still together and we are still married.

We're not apart, John's not dead, I'm not single.

On his Facebook page, John’s last check-in is his hotel in Germany and the last photo he uploaded is of the view from his hotel room, taken on the morning of the day he fell ill.

I stare at it often……probably too often, wondering how he was feeling, was he aware of anything untoward in his health that day? (and I'm still worrying that he is still there!).

I don’t think I will ever truly accept that John is dead.

Rightly or wrongly, that’s how I feel.

To acknowledge that he is dead is to acknowledge that he has gone from my life forever and, to be honest, I cannot cope with that thought.

I doubt I will ever cope with that thought.

This past (almost) year has been non-stop in terms of worry, stress, anxiety, upheaval and unhappiness……

I really would like it all to stop.

In my head I beg and plead for it to stop but my requests go unanswered.

I’d like to feel settled again (and find a home for longer than 6 months!!!!!).

I’d like to not feel lonely all the time even when I’m surrounded by people.

I’d like to feel happy again.

What we'd like and what we get are two completely different things, non?!