Resignation

19 days ago I started my new job.

Yesterday morning I resigned.

I sat in front of my Boss and sobbed my way through why I couldn't stay.

I sobbed. 

She cried.

She asked me to reconsider and stay.

I politely, pathetically declined.

But, crucially, she understood what I was trying to explain through the tears.

I made a decision which is wrong for me.

I should never have gone for the job in the first place.

It's a good job, it's just not a good time.

When I was still in London there were some decisions that I had made for my new life in Cornwall. 

These are decisions that I haven't stuck to and I really should have done.

1. Not working until after April and May have passed. I absolutely NEED to mentally work through the ever nearing anniversaries of John falling ill and John dying. I cannot, CANNOT be in a job and give any Boss 100% until after that. I have to meet them head on, take it on the chin and deal with them.

2. Being a PA....is it really what I want anymore? In London I said that I wanted to come here and, for want of a better example, stack shelves in Tesco. Something stressless, something that I wouldn't really have to think about. Something I could just do. I would then have time to think about what it was I really wanted to do with my future. I would love to work with plants/gardens, it's a hobby I truly love and adore and enjoy....however, those sort of jobs are gold dust....but I'd still like to one day!

When I heard about this job I switched on autopilot and went for it without even thinking it through.

At the interview I gave them everything.

I donned my suit and tie and reverted to the old me.

It did the trick and they took the bait. 

They got me.

From the minute I got it, I didn't want it.

I should never have got caught up in it and applied.

It was wrong and I have wasted their time and I have made myself unhappy.

I only have myself to blame.

At the moment the old me is the wrong me. 

Maybe, in time, that person will come back, who knows..... 

But, since last May and for the foreseeable future, I don't really think I know who the fuck I am anymore.

2 steps forward and 3 steps back?!