Truly, Madly, Deeply

Autumn is fast approaching, the leaves are falling, the days cooling, the nights drawing in.

I'd give whatever it takes for a cuddle, a hug with my Hubby in front of the fire, I really would. 

To feel his warmth, his love, his Life.

Truly, madly, deeply.

I haven't been right since the Boys and myself scattered John's remains. 

I've been sad, low, crying again, unhappy.

I am dreading the winter and all that it brings with it.

Cold.

Dark.

Harsh.

Lifeless.

Coincidentally, words that adequately describe how I feel inside at the moment.

Nothing matters anymore.
Nothing makes me truly happy.
Nothing sparks me into life.
I am living this new life against my will.
I do not want it.
I am living it yet inside I am kicking and screaming for my old life, OUR life.
I do not want MY life, I want OUR life.
I see friends, family, people are constantly in touch with me and yet I feel so very lonely, so alone.
Singular.
One.
Me.



I have never, ever liked or enjoyed my own company.
I am doomed.
I caught a peek through Death's Cloak and now, once again, I am tightly wrapped up in it and suffocating.
Smothering.

I played this record every single night while I was in Germany with John.
Waiting for him to wake up from the coma.
Waiting for him to come home.
Waiting for him to die.

He loved this record.
Little did he know how much of an 'anthem' for him it would become.

It makes me sob and sob and sob.