Sunday, 2 September 2012

Getting in 'estate'....

I have had some really lovely moments recently.

Going out and getting tipsy with the Boys.
Cornwall for the Bank Holiday was tons of fun with the God Kidlings.
Colorado in late July/early August where I discovered Hummingbirds and Mountains.
Home furnishings shopping with a best friend.
Wherever I go, whatever I do, I must return here, to our home, to London, to the flat. 
I am comfortable here, familiarity is everything at the moment, however I am not happy here. As soon as I return here I am full of tears, I am sad and I am unhappy......and I am lonely (the dogs are wonderful, but full of conversation they are not!).
And yet, I can't imagine being anywhere else at the moment.

Today, after putting it off for much too long, I sat down and attended to paperwork for John's estate.....I just find myself getting in a state!
I was relatively ok until I went in the drawer, lifted out all the folders, of which there are many, and strew them across the dining table. 
I am now fighting back some serious tears, sobbing in fact.
It feels like the wolves are baying at the door and I don't have the strength to hold them back.
At work I am struggling to hold it together. 
My understanding, very supportive Boss sent me home early one day last week as I 'lost it' at my desk and couldn't get it together. 
It's bubbling under the surface all the time, I'm like a volcano, the magma is building and I feel an 'eppy fit' coming on.
The anger is returning.
I am like a coiled snake.
A cornered dog.
A rubberband that has been stretched too far.
I want to scream and shout and lash out and smash things.
I have the urge to go in the garden and pull every single living thing out of the ground, all of it, the lot.
It's consuming me and I do not feel in 'control' at all.
I am so fucking ANGRY!

Surely, three months down the line there should be some 'improvement', some acceptance, a feeling of 'getting better', just a little?
I do not have that.
I don't feel improvement, acceptance or that I am getting any better.
I did not ask for this life! 
I married John for the rest of my life.....
I'm still alive, I'm still married to him, I'm still in love with him, where's the sense in that?!

I've been dragged kicking, screaming and sobbing from my old life to this new life without John.
Nothing and no one makes me feel 'better'.
I have moments of enjoyment and then 'back to black' (thank you Amy Winehouse!)

I feel like I am tumbling ever downwards.

I'd give anything and everything I have for John to be at the bottom to catch me.

To cap it all off, I think Maximillian has fleas!

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