Wednesday, 19 September 2012

4 Months

My name is John McKenna and I have been a widower for 4 months - a fleeting moment in time when you consider that we were together for almost 10 years.

A little while ago I told my Boss that it felt like I was 'turning a corner'.
Little did I know that the corner I turned sent me slap bang into a bloody great big emotional brick wall!
I am in a state.....again.
I can honestly say that the last few months have been difficult - who finds it easy?! 
I have spent so much of it in tears, feeling low, feeling sad, feeling empty.
I'm not ashamed to admit that once or twice, for fleeting moments, the thought of 'joining John' crossed my seemed preferable to the pain I feel caused by his death.
I honestly thought no one would miss me like they miss John.
John was the life force in this relationship.
John was the one everyone gravitated to - a life magnet, a force of nature, an incandescent flame and we were his moths!

I was going to cycle to work and end up under a bus or a lorry (ouch) or throw myself from Chelsea Bridge (too cold) or take all the pills I could from John's medication drawer (the preferred option as I can still enjoy a vodka and coke!)......yes, I did think about it.
The thing is, I'm much too much of a chicken to go ahead and take my own life (and I have M & M to think about - although for your information, my Will states that they go to Aunty Kay & Uncle Jim).
But I thought about it.
It didn't seem wrong to do so.
It doesn't seem wrong to do so.
I haven't done it.

I still enjoy moments with friends and family but when I am alone I am so very lonely. 
Even when I have people with me I feel lonely and 'in the way', as though I shouldn't be taking up their time, not that I felt it before John died, but I do now.
I am not the person I once was.....I'll never be that person again.
How can you be who you were when the love of your life has died?
When they die, part of you goes with them.....your heart.

When I am with friends/family/colleagues I feel like a spare part.
A duck out of water.
A gooseberry.
A not very palatable gooseberry at that.
I am and still feel very, very sad and depressed - that bit has improved very little!
I didn't go to work yesterday because Monday night was dreadful.
Nightmares, horrid, nasty dreams.
Emotional, tearful outbursts.
Oh it's all so cheery here in Devonshire Road!!!!!

That's all I have to say.
I have a head ache.
I'm off for another vodka and some pills.
I need to maintain the litre a week consumption.
It numbs the pain (and keeps Smirnoff going!).

1 comment:

  1. I know that feeling of spare part so well. I have always felt that way, my entire life. Even with my partner Chuck, it always lurks under their service. It is hard to shake, but I have learned that it is just the way I feel and it is not reality.

    I am sorry that you still feel the loss John so intensely four months on. I wish I could help. Just know that people value you so very much.