My first ever post informed readers that this blog would be filled with honesty, truth and that it would be 'warts and all', I would not hold back my feelings or my thoughts.
After last night's blog and the 'firestorm' that ensued I feel the need to explain and I will do this only once.
Explaining my posts will not happen again.
Ever.
The last chapter I posted certainly created a reaction that I most certainly was not expecting!!!!!
I will be ok.
Honest.
But........
Taking my own life, finishing it, ending it, this was something I thought about.
It is not something I am thinking about.
To be perfectly honest with you, I think it's a natural reaction, particularly if you lose the person you are very, very much in love with.
You want to do anything you possibly can to be with them again.
My grief for John will match the love I have for him.
It was and will always be huge so this was never, ever going to be easy.
I've gone from us to me, from a couple to single, from being with him to being alone.
In almost 10 years together we spent nearly every day together when he wasn't abroad with work.
I do not apologise for the suicide reaction and I never will, but it's not something I will be acting upon any time soon.
You have my word.
I promise.
If I die, it won't be by my own hands.
Yes, I am down, depressed, unhappy, sad and low but I am still here!
I'M ALIVE.
It has been suggested that I seek bereavement counselling.
I don't want it.
Not yet.
I don't feel at all ready for that.
I might not ever be ready.
I'm not a fan of counselling.
I had it in the past and it did not help me.
At.
All.
I am not up to talking to a complete stranger about us, or about me for that matter.
Believe it or not, but this blog helps.
It gets it out of my head.
Once I publish, I don't really think about it and I very rarely read it again.
And from now on, I will no longer put this blog link on Facebook.
I don't need to advertise this blog anymore.
I'm not sure it's entirely necessary or indeed healthy!
Let's not forget that the best bit in all this is that I have you, my friends, John's family, my family, the most understanding Boss I have ever met.......the list is huge and filled with the best people in my life.
And you would not believe the things that Max & Millie know....they're the best listeners and they make excellent secret keepers!
I will be ok, I'm just not ok right now.
After last night's blog and the 'firestorm' that ensued I feel the need to explain and I will do this only once.
Explaining my posts will not happen again.
Ever.
The last chapter I posted certainly created a reaction that I most certainly was not expecting!!!!!
I will be ok.
Honest.
But........
Taking my own life, finishing it, ending it, this was something I thought about.
It is not something I am thinking about.
To be perfectly honest with you, I think it's a natural reaction, particularly if you lose the person you are very, very much in love with.
You want to do anything you possibly can to be with them again.
My grief for John will match the love I have for him.
It was and will always be huge so this was never, ever going to be easy.
I've gone from us to me, from a couple to single, from being with him to being alone.
In almost 10 years together we spent nearly every day together when he wasn't abroad with work.
I do not apologise for the suicide reaction and I never will, but it's not something I will be acting upon any time soon.
You have my word.
I promise.
If I die, it won't be by my own hands.
Yes, I am down, depressed, unhappy, sad and low but I am still here!
I'M ALIVE.
It has been suggested that I seek bereavement counselling.
I don't want it.
Not yet.
I don't feel at all ready for that.
I might not ever be ready.
I'm not a fan of counselling.
I had it in the past and it did not help me.
At.
All.
I am not up to talking to a complete stranger about us, or about me for that matter.
Believe it or not, but this blog helps.
It gets it out of my head.
Once I publish, I don't really think about it and I very rarely read it again.
And from now on, I will no longer put this blog link on Facebook.
I don't need to advertise this blog anymore.
I'm not sure it's entirely necessary or indeed healthy!
Let's not forget that the best bit in all this is that I have you, my friends, John's family, my family, the most understanding Boss I have ever met.......the list is huge and filled with the best people in my life.
And you would not believe the things that Max & Millie know....they're the best listeners and they make excellent secret keepers!
I will be ok, I'm just not ok right now.
Thank you for listening, thank you for being there and thank you for loving me.
With your love and support, I will be fine.
I really will.
This song is dedicated to my Husband - it might sound sad and tragic but to me it's uplifting and empowering.....
I want you to know that nothing can break me.
Nothing.
There will be moments when life throws me some serious fuckery and I will struggle but I am NOT GIVING UP!
It goes without saying that the 'God' in these lyrics is my Husband, my man, the love of my life.....he was a GOD, he was a fucking LEGEND!
John Ellis is dead, long live John Ellis!!!!
I can feel the presence of God
Occupying my intentions
In my soul within my thoughts
and in ways too dreary to mention
These thoughts torment me
They mold and shape me
There's a man that I should be
Or someone I could be
Nothing can break me
Nothing that I see
You can't shake me
You can't take me
So set me free
I can feel the presence of God
In need of my attention
In this room and in your words
In too many ways to mention
These thoughts torment me
They mold and shape me
There's a man that I should be
Or someone I could be
Nothing can break me
Nothing that I see
You can't shake me
You can't take me
So set me free
I can feel the presence of Love
Holding my attention
He torments me
Creates and shapes me
There's a man that I should be
Or someone I could be
Nothing can break me
Nothing that I see
You can't shake me
You can't take me
So set me free
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