Sunday, 23 September 2012


I have had a very quiet weekend.
I took Friday off at short notice - the week was not a good one and I just needed some 'time out', even if it was only one extra day.
I achieved all my chores and jobs on Friday and so, as I had hoped, the weekend has been quiet, relaxed, chilled and unplanned.
What I had not planned on, was just how much I would find myself missing John.
I mean......really missing him!
It feels as though the missing him feeling is intensifying, getting stronger with each day.
Perhaps my head and heart are settling into their unwanted but new found home of missing John each and every day.
I have a constant 'washing machine' feeling in my stomach, as though I am always nervous. It's strange how missing someone can manifest itself.
I simply cannot comprehend that I will never EVER see John again.
I can't.
I don't want to either.
As ridiculous as this is, I have to hold on to even the smallest, tiniest hope that he will appear, come home, return to me.
If I should let that thought go, accept 100% that he is dead, my world will collapse around me and I truly, honestly will not cope.
I NEED that hope inside me.
Without it I am lost.
You might think that I must accept it.
I cannot.
I will not.
I will forever hold on to that hope.
Letting it go would be to let John go......something I will never be able to do.

Today I smelt John.
I was walking past the coats in the hallway and I got a waft of him (I kept a couple of his coats/jackets).
Is it possible that a waft can feel like a sledgehammer?! 
This one did!
I walk past the coats every day but this was the first time that I noticed his smell.
I was transported back to when he was alive, here, with me, in this home.
I sunk my head in his coat, took a deep breath and I cried.
I sobbed.
I have cried a lot since.
I felt like I was crying into his chest, my face nestled in his coat, surrounded by him.
It felt like he was here.
With me.
It felt comforting yet extremely sad.
I miss him so very, very much.

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