Wednesday 26 September 2012

Love Will Tear Me Apart

A jet black cloud the colour of night is following me everywhere I go.
It rests over my head constantly and will not be budged.
I am not in a good place.
I haven't been in a good place for a little while.
It feels as though my insides are always on spin cycle.
I'm forever on the verge of crying.
I just want to be at home on the sofa with Max & Millie or hiding under my duvet.
I don't want to be anywhere else.


Recently, a number of friends have mentioned that I am not really socialising.
I s'pose they're right.
I'm not.
I have arranged and then cancelled a few things recently because the thought of going is just too stressful.
I get all worked up and then I feel like my head is going to explode so I cancel.
When I am with friends or family I find it hard to talk.
I have absolutely nothing to say.
Nothing.
All that is in my head is John.
When John was alive and we were blissfully happy.
John in hospital in Germany.
John dying.
Life without John.
It's all John, John, John, John, John, John, John, John, John!
It is ripping me apart!!!!!!!!!!


One thought that keeps going round and round in my head is why I didn't DEMAND to see John at the funeral directors, just so I could know it WAS him.
If I had seen him with my own eyes perhaps this would be 'easier' to deal with?
Maybe...
I cannot ever explain how much life has changed, how much I miss John, how much I DON'T want this new life!
Words will never, ever be sufficient.
My life is no longer filled with his laughter, his smile, his beautiful blue eyes, his farting!
Life is quiet, very noticeably so.
My life is sad and to be honest I am very lonely - even with friends or family around me I still feel lonely.
John and I were joined at the hip for almost 10 years. 
With him gone I feel like I've become mute and that my bashed, beaten and broken heart has been cut out.

La vie est une chienne

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