Muffin the Fool

All week, literally every day this week all I have been thinking about is baking chocolate muffins.

I gave myself a project, something to look forward to. 

I can bake with my eyes shut.

So.....

I got up early.

I walked the dogs.

I went grocery shopping in Hell aka Sainsbury's.

I did my washing, drying and ironing.

Changed the bedding.

I hoovered the flat and tidied up the place.

And then, following a cup of perfectly brewed tea, I began baking.

I have the Hummingbird Bakery book so I used one of their recipes for the muffins, one I have never used before.

I thought I'd be all 'Rock n Roll' and try a new one.

BUT......I made a change and added way, WAY more chocolate chips than was really necessary.

They came out of the oven looking rather fantastic, if I do say so myself.

Until I tried to get them out of the silicone mould (they should have literally fallen out!!!).

They were stuck.

They fell apart.

They were 'wet'.

They were very disappointing.

Where am I going with this story I hear you ask?!

Well.....I started the day almost excited, happy in fact.

I was going to do something I loved before John died, I was going to bake.

I had ideas of taking some round to Mark and Paul's house tonight.

Perhaps the neighbours kids might like a chocolate muffin too - who wouldn't?!

But no, I find myself pissed off, disappointed, upset and not in the 'happy place' I was a few hours previous!

I feel like my week's worth of anticipation has been for nothing.

A waste of time.

Why fucking bother?!

I can't even get a bloody muffin recipe right, I had to go and change it and then fuck it up!

Things changing and not going the way you expect????

Story.

Of.

My. 

Fucking. 

LIFE!!!

Sing it Will......

Love Will Tear Me Apart

A jet black cloud the colour of night is following me everywhere I go.

It rests over my head constantly and will not be budged.

I am not in a good place.

I haven't been in a good place for a little while.

It feels as though my insides are always on spin cycle.

I'm forever on the verge of crying.

I just want to be at home on the sofa with Max & Millie or hiding under my duvet.

I don't want to be anywhere else.

Recently, a number of friends have mentioned that I am not really socialising.

I s'pose they're right.

I'm not.

I have arranged and then cancelled a few things recently because the thought of going is just too stressful.

I get all worked up and then I feel like my head is going to explode so I cancel.

When I am with friends or family I find it hard to talk.

I have absolutely nothing to say.

Nothing.

All that is in my head is John.

When John was alive and we were blissfully happy.

John in hospital in Germany.

John dying.

Life without John.

It's all John, John, John, John, John, John, John, John, John!

It is ripping me apart!!!!!!!!!!

One thought that keeps going round and round in my head is why I didn't DEMAND to see John at the funeral directors, just so I could know it WAS him.

If I had seen him with my own eyes perhaps this would be 'easier' to deal with?

Maybe...

I cannot ever explain how much life has changed, how much I miss John, how much I DON'T want this new life!

Words will never, ever be sufficient.

My life is no longer filled with his laughter, his smile, his beautiful blue eyes, his farting!

Life is quiet, very noticeably so.

My life is sad and to be honest I am very lonely - even with friends or family around me I still feel lonely.

John and I were joined at the hip for almost 10 years. 

With him gone I feel like I've become mute and that my bashed, beaten and broken heart has been cut out.

La vie est une chienne

Missing...

I have had a very quiet weekend.

I took Friday off at short notice - the week was not a good one and I just needed some 'time out', even if it was only one extra day.

I achieved all my chores and jobs on Friday and so, as I had hoped, the weekend has been quiet, relaxed, chilled and unplanned.

What I had not planned on, was just how much I would find myself missing John.

I mean......really missing him!

It feels as though the missing him feeling is intensifying, getting stronger with each day.

Perhaps my head and heart are settling into their unwanted but new found home of missing John each and every day.
I have a constant 'washing machine' feeling in my stomach, as though I am always nervous. It's strange how missing someone can manifest itself.
I simply cannot comprehend that I will never EVER see John again.
I can't.
I don't want to either.
As ridiculous as this is, I have to hold on to even the smallest, tiniest hope that he will appear, come home, return to me.
If I should let that thought go, accept 100% that he is dead, my world will collapse around me and I truly, honestly will not cope.
I NEED that hope inside me.
Without it I am lost.
You might think that I must accept it.
I cannot.
I will not.
I will forever hold on to that hope.
Always.
Letting it go would be to let John go......something I will never be able to do.

Today I smelt John.

I was walking past the coats in the hallway and I got a waft of him (I kept a couple of his coats/jackets).

Is it possible that a waft can feel like a sledgehammer?! 
This one did!
I walk past the coats every day but this was the first time that I noticed his smell.

I was transported back to when he was alive, here, with me, in this home.

I sunk my head in his coat, took a deep breath and I cried.

I sobbed.
I have cried a lot since.

I felt like I was crying into his chest, my face nestled in his coat, surrounded by him.
It felt like he was here.
With me.
It felt comforting yet extremely sad.
I miss him so very, very much.

Let Me Explain.....

My first ever post informed readers that this blog would be filled with honesty, truth and that it would be 'warts and all', I would not hold back my feelings or my thoughts.
After last night's blog and the 'firestorm' that ensued I feel the need to explain and I will do this only once. 
Explaining my posts will not happen again.
Ever.

The last chapter I posted certainly created a reaction that I most certainly was not expecting!!!!!
I will be ok.
Honest.
But........

Taking my own life, finishing it, ending it, this was something I thought about. 
It is not something I am thinking about.
To be perfectly honest with you, I think it's a natural reaction, particularly if you lose the person you are very, very much in love with.
You want to do anything you possibly can to be with them again.
My grief for John will match the love I have for him.
It was and will always be huge so this was never, ever going to be easy.
I've gone from us to me, from a couple to single, from being with him to being alone.
In almost 10 years together we spent nearly every day together when he wasn't abroad with work.
I do not apologise for the suicide reaction and I never will, but it's not something I will be acting upon any time soon.
You have my word.
I promise.
If I die, it won't be by my own hands.
Yes, I am down, depressed, unhappy, sad and low but I am still here!
I'M ALIVE.

It has been suggested that I seek bereavement counselling.
I don't want it.
Not yet.
I don't feel at all ready for that.
I might not ever be ready.
I'm not a fan of counselling.
I had it in the past and it did not help me. 
At. 
All.
I am not up to talking to a complete stranger about us, or about me for that matter.
Believe it or not, but this blog helps.
It gets it out of my head.
Once I publish, I don't really think about it and I very rarely read it again.
And from now on, I will no longer put this blog link on Facebook.
I don't need to advertise this blog anymore.
I'm not sure it's entirely necessary or indeed healthy!

Let's not forget that the best bit in all this is that I have you, my friends, John's family, my family, the most understanding Boss I have ever met.......the list is huge and filled with the best people in my life.
And you would not believe the things that Max & Millie know....they're the best listeners and they make excellent secret keepers!

I will be ok, I'm just not ok right now.

Thank you for listening, thank you for being there and thank you for loving me.

With your love and support, I will be fine.

I really will.

This song is dedicated to my Husband - it might sound sad and tragic but to me it's uplifting and empowering.....

I want you to know that nothing can break me.

Nothing.

There will be moments when life throws me some serious fuckery and I will struggle but I am NOT GIVING UP!

It goes without saying that the 'God' in these lyrics is my Husband, my man, the love of my life.....he was a GOD, he was a fucking LEGEND!

John Ellis is dead, long live John Ellis!!!!

I can feel the presence of God

Occupying my intentions

In my soul within my thoughts

and in ways too dreary to mention

These thoughts torment me

They mold and shape me

There's a man that I should be

Or someone I could be

Nothing can break me

Nothing that I see

You can't shake me

You can't take me

So set me free

I can feel the presence of God

In need of my attention

In this room and in your words

In too many ways to mention

These thoughts torment me

They mold and shape me

There's a man that I should be

Or someone I could be

Nothing can break me

Nothing that I see

You can't shake me

You can't take me

So set me free

I can feel the presence of Love

Holding my attention

He torments me

Creates and shapes me

There's a man that I should be

Or someone I could be

Nothing can break me

Nothing that I see

You can't shake me

You can't take me

So set me free

4 Months

My name is John McKenna and I have been a widower for 4 months - a fleeting moment in time when you consider that we were together for almost 10 years.

A little while ago I told my Boss that it felt like I was 'turning a corner'.

Little did I know that the corner I turned sent me slap bang into a bloody great big emotional brick wall!

I am in a state.....again.

I can honestly say that the last few months have been difficult - who finds it easy?! 

I have spent so much of it in tears, feeling low, feeling sad, feeling empty.

I'm not ashamed to admit that once or twice, for fleeting moments, the thought of 'joining John' crossed my mind.......it seemed preferable to the pain I feel caused by his death.

I honestly thought no one would miss me like they miss John.

John was the life force in this relationship.

John was the one everyone gravitated to - a life magnet, a force of nature, an incandescent flame and we were his moths!

I was going to cycle to work and end up under a bus or a lorry (ouch) or throw myself from Chelsea Bridge (too cold) or take all the pills I could from John's medication drawer (the preferred option as I can still enjoy a vodka and coke!)......yes, I did think about it.

The thing is, I'm much too much of a chicken to go ahead and take my own life (and I have M & M to think about - although for your information, my Will states that they go to Aunty Kay & Uncle Jim).

But I thought about it.

It didn't seem wrong to do so.

It doesn't seem wrong to do so.

I haven't done it.

I still enjoy moments with friends and family but when I am alone I am so very lonely. 
Even when I have people with me I feel lonely and 'in the way', as though I shouldn't be taking up their time, not that I felt it before John died, but I do now.
I am not the person I once was.....I'll never be that person again.
How can you be who you were when the love of your life has died?
When they die, part of you goes with them.....your heart.

When I am with friends/family/colleagues I feel like a spare part.

A duck out of water.

A gooseberry.

A not very palatable gooseberry at that.

I am and still feel very, very sad and depressed - that bit has improved very little!

I didn't go to work yesterday because Monday night was dreadful.

Nightmares, horrid, nasty dreams.

Insomnia.

Emotional, tearful outbursts.

Oh it's all so cheery here in Devonshire Road!!!!!

That's all I have to say.

I have a head ache.

I'm off for another vodka and some pills.

I need to maintain the litre a week consumption.

It numbs the pain (and keeps Smirnoff going!).

Truly, Madly, Deeply

Autumn is fast approaching, the leaves are falling, the days cooling, the nights drawing in.

I'd give whatever it takes for a cuddle, a hug with my Hubby in front of the fire, I really would. 

To feel his warmth, his love, his Life.

Truly, madly, deeply.

I haven't been right since the Boys and myself scattered John's remains. 

I've been sad, low, crying again, unhappy.

I am dreading the winter and all that it brings with it.

Cold.

Dark.

Harsh.

Lifeless.

Coincidentally, words that adequately describe how I feel inside at the moment.

Nothing matters anymore.
Nothing makes me truly happy.
Nothing sparks me into life.
I am living this new life against my will.
I do not want it.
I am living it yet inside I am kicking and screaming for my old life, OUR life.
I do not want MY life, I want OUR life.
I see friends, family, people are constantly in touch with me and yet I feel so very lonely, so alone.
Singular.
One.
Me.



I have never, ever liked or enjoyed my own company.
I am doomed.
I caught a peek through Death's Cloak and now, once again, I am tightly wrapped up in it and suffocating.
Smothering.

I played this record every single night while I was in Germany with John.
Waiting for him to wake up from the coma.
Waiting for him to come home.
Waiting for him to die.

He loved this record.
Little did he know how much of an 'anthem' for him it would become.

It makes me sob and sob and sob.

Ashes to Ashes

Tonight, Henry, James and myself 'laid John to rest'......

When I come to the end of the road

And the sun has set for me

I want no rites in a gloom-filled room

Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little but not too long

And not with your head bowed low

Remember the love that we once shared

Miss me but let me go

Getting in 'estate'....

I have had some really lovely moments recently.

Going out and getting tipsy with the Boys.

Cornwall for the Bank Holiday was tons of fun with the God Kidlings.

Colorado in late July/early August where I discovered Hummingbirds and Mountains.

Home furnishings shopping with a best friend.

Wherever I go, whatever I do, I must return here, to our home, to London, to the flat. 

I am comfortable here, familiarity is everything at the moment, however I am not happy here. As soon as I return here I am full of tears, I am sad and I am unhappy......and I am lonely (the dogs are wonderful, but full of conversation they are not!).

And yet, I can't imagine being anywhere else at the moment.

Today, after putting it off for much too long, I sat down and attended to paperwork for John's estate.....I just find myself getting in a state!

I was relatively ok until I went in the drawer, lifted out all the folders, of which there are many, and strew them across the dining table. 
I am now fighting back some serious tears, sobbing in fact.
It feels like the wolves are baying at the door and I don't have the strength to hold them back.
At work I am struggling to hold it together. 
My understanding, very supportive Boss sent me home early one day last week as I 'lost it' at my desk and couldn't get it together. 
It's bubbling under the surface all the time, I'm like a volcano, the magma is building and I feel an 'eppy fit' coming on.
The anger is returning.
I am like a coiled snake.
A cornered dog.
A rubberband that has been stretched too far.
I want to scream and shout and lash out and smash things.
I have the urge to go in the garden and pull every single living thing out of the ground, all of it, the lot.
It's consuming me and I do not feel in 'control' at all.
I am so fucking ANGRY!

Surely, three months down the line there should be some 'improvement', some acceptance, a feeling of 'getting better', just a little?
I do not have that.
I don't feel improvement, acceptance or that I am getting any better.
I did not ask for this life! 
I married John for the rest of my life.....
I'm still alive, I'm still married to him, I'm still in love with him, where's the sense in that?!

I've been dragged kicking, screaming and sobbing from my old life to this new life without John.
Nothing and no one makes me feel 'better'.
I have moments of enjoyment and then 'back to black' (thank you Amy Winehouse!)

I feel like I am tumbling ever downwards.

I'd give anything and everything I have for John to be at the bottom to catch me.

To cap it all off, I think Maximillian has fleas!