For Crying Out Loud!!!

I am full of tears today.

Typing this, I am crying.

I write a letter for a job, I cry.

I take the dogs for a walk, I cry.

I go to Tesco and buy 'contraband' (sweets, chocolate, ice cream, alcohol), I cry.

I am not unhappy. Yet I cry.

I think about John, I cry.

I look at photographs of John, I cry.

It's not even 'easy' crying.

It's full-on, stomach-wobbling, throat-squeezing, breath-catching, heart-stopping sobbing.

And shaking.

Shaking and sobbing.

Sobbing and shaking.

This has been going on all day.

Now that I am moved, unpacked, settled in and my days are quiet and easy, maybe now I am going to achieve 'full meltdown'...?

Something I have not done since John died.

It definitely feels like something is coming.

There's a shift within me.

Emotionally, I feel unsteady.

Grief is tightening it's grip on my broken heart.

All I want is to be held.

By John.

The Love of my Life

I Am Moved...

I did it.

I left London.

The pups and I escaped by the snowy skin of our teeth as flakes the size of man-size tissues fell around us as we headed towards the M5 and the West Country.

To our new home.

Moving in was a logistical nightmare but, with the humongous assistance from my God Kids' Dad, we did it.....I think I owe Lawrence a new clutch, a new spine and about 15 years worth of baby sitting!!!!!! 

However, we did it.

So how do I feel?

More than anything, it upsets me to think that I cannot tell John about this new (lovely) house. 

I cannot share this new adventure with him.

He would love this house.

He loved Marazion.

He loved Cornwall.

He isn't here, his presence isn't here, he's never been in here, but he is here with me, in our stuff, in our furniture, pictures, our life detritus.

I've already told my lovely neighbours, Heather and Richard, all about him and how amazing and wonderful he was.

Oh yes, my Hubby is here with me.
In my heart. Forever and always.

I moved in on Saturday and Mum came to stay on Sunday to help me move in (she did a sterling job!).

Mum left today, so from tomorrow I am properly on my own.

This is when I will really see how I feel.

How I cope.

How I spend my time.

I had a little 'meltdown' this afternoon.

I am sure there will be more.

However, I'm now most definitely in the right place to have them.......I can stand on the beach, turn into the wind (and rain) and I can fucking well SCREAM! 

The good part is I only have to turn around, walk up the hill for 3 or 4 minutes and I'm home, in the warm, with Max and Millie......and everything is alright again.

We will be alright again.

I will be alright again.

Eventually.

It's the Farmer's Market in Penzance tomorrow.

I'm going to select a lovely hunky one methinks.....!!!

So Long London!

Tomorrow morning at 8am the removal lorry arrives to load up my life and whisk me off (through some apparently significant snowfall!!!) to deepest, west-est Cornwall for my new life with the dogs.

I can't quite believe that the day has almost arrived, that I'm off, never to return to this flat and my old life with John.

I am, to say the least, rather emotional today.

In fact, the tears are flowing very freely.

Goodbye Devonshire Road

My emotional state was not helped by good old London this morning!

I drove to the Zoo to see the plaque that will be going up in the Bird House in honour of John.

I never got there.

Vauxhall Bridge is shut, most of the area is in gridlock and after an hour sat in the car and having only got to Oval, I turned around and came home.

Sobbing.

It felt a little like 'London had the last laugh' in stopping me from visiting John and seeing his plaque.

One last stab at me and my hatred of this city.

Well fuck you London!

In 24 hours I will be on my way to the beautiful Cornish coast and my family.

So NER!

I will be typing the next chapter from my lounge (with sea views), enjoying a cup of tea, the dogs in front of a real fire and me enjoying some much needed peace, space and healing surroundings.

The new lounge

See you in Cornwall!

The Drug Drawer

The murderer in the room has been dealt with........

I need a drink!!!!

Love, Actually.

In the early years of our relationship I kept a scrapbook of all the messages, emails, texts, love letters, cards, etc that John sent to me.

It is full of our love.

I've just found it.

Can a broken heart break even more?

I will share with you one of the first messages John sent me prior to our first 'official' date:

My brain is churning (so is my stomach). Not quite sure what's happened apart from I'm ridiculously happy yet apprehensive over this weekend.

With this much anticipation I really hope we do get on, I'm sure we will - I just want to be with you NOW for chats, beers, fags and laffs.......

I want to get to know you, look into those eyes, to make you laugh, to go exploring, to find sunshine (even on rainy days), to dance, to hug. Most of all, I don't want to disappoint you. Cards on the table, I am still getting over the last bastard and still a bit raw so you will have to take me as you find me. I NEVER anticipated meeting somebody quite so wonderful as you.

Seduced by the power of text, phone and email, I love it LOL.

Okay, I guess I need a beer now as I have just read what I wrote and almost deleted it! I really CAN'T wait for Saturday afternoon - sorry I have to work Sunday but it's workable :)

Until my phone beeps again (and I smile as Gorgeous John pops up on the mobile!) and Saturday night, take care you (bugger, run out of expletives worthy of you) scrummy, gorgeous, funny man. J xxxxxxxxxxxxx

I will take it to bed with me this evening and read every single page.

And cry, and cry, and cry.

It's Actually Happening.....

This is what one of my best friends said earlier when I posted a picture on Facebook of the lounge, half empty, piles of packed boxes about the place.

Yes, it is indeed actually happening, I am moving to Cornwall.

At the age of 43 I am starting again......again!

The dogs and me are having a new life in deepest, west-est Kernow.

My friend also said that it made him feel sad.

It does me too.

Sad, worried, anxious, petrified.

I cannot tell you just how much I want John with me right now.

I long for him, for a Johnnie bear hug, for a kiss, for him to hold my hand and tell me it will all be ok.

As excited as I am, I am also fucking scared.

I am really rather anxious.

I am 100% confident that I am doing the right thing for me and the pups.

But......this has been our home for nearly 10 years.

John and I moved in here together.

We built our love, our relationship, our life, our 'success' within these walls.

I will miss it here very much indeed.....it's a very special place, a gorgeous little flat and a place that contains some extremely precious memories. 

We have been very lucky to have the BEST landlady in all the world, a true gem of a lady and I am honoured to call her a friend.

I hope one day that she will visit the new place and I can turn the tables and offer her food and lodging for a wonderful time in Cornwall.

I am gagging to get to Cornwall, to get moved in, to get unpacked and start living.

I can feel the beach, the sea, the ocean and the countryside calling me.

I find myself day dreaming about walking the dogs on the beach or in deserted woodlands, about discovering the most ridiculously narrow roads, about making new friends (I am really going to miss my London chums!!!!), about becoming part of a thriving community where I will know people by name and they will know me.

I am looking forward to making a home, a nest.

To reconnect with my Sister and my Mum.

To playing with my new little niece and for her to get to know me and I her.

To frolic with my beautiful god children, to play silly games, to laugh out loud, to eat too many sweets, to roast marshmallows by the fire and cuddle up on the sofa watching a dvd.

I only wish that John was doing all this with me!

.......and I still have to do that frigging drug drawer......*eek*

The Cupboard Under The Stairs

I was only clearing, sorting and cleaning......and then I started to find things....

Westward Go!

Two weeks today, in just 14 little days, I move out.

Two weeks tomorrow, in just 15 little days, I move in to my new home in Marazion, Cornwall.

The house I looked at on 17th December 2012 is now mine my preciouses, MINE.

'Bramble Cottage' here I come!

The packing materials arrive tomorrow morning.

I am dreading the packing process.

I know I will find things that will set off the tears and the emotions, I'm prepared for it, but it doesn't make me any less fearful of what I might find.

So much to do.

So little time.

So exciting.

So scary.

The view from my new bedroom window

I still have to 'pluck up the courage' to deal with the drug drawer.....*EEK*

And then there's the shed (John's domain) and "under the stairs" where I am sure there are emotional monsters lurking, waiting to pounce on and gouge out my already broken heart!!!

In the grand scheme of things I have dealt with John's death, funeral/cremation, ashes, clothes, administration, etc, etc.

I just have to suck it up again and deal with these last few things don't I?!

It doesn't stop me being scared half to Hell though......just thinking about opening that drug drawer fills me with sick and makes me want to sob. 

It physically scares me.

I am absolutely, completely and utterly convinced that they contributed to his death.

They were supposed to help him, not fucking kill him!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I am becoming over emotional and I have some organising, clearing and sorting to do, so without further ado.......I'm off to do just that.

There is no more appropriate song at this time than this ------>