Unlucky 13

This was going to be a video chapter, but due to the fact that every time I try speaking I cry, I decided that it would be preferable to type it.

However, I just don't feel that typing it is going to get the message across sufficiently.

But I will try.

At the moment I work two days a week as a Bird Keeper and I love it.

I am really loving it.

It is wonderful.

Last night I drove home, I drove home crying.

Why?

Because I really, REALLY want to talk to John.

Because I really, REALLY want to tell John what I am doing.

Because I really, REALLY want to show John where I work.

Because I really, REALLY miss my Hubby!

There have been times when I have got all excited about getting home and talking to John about a particular bird or situation and then, following a spinning and twisting of my guts, I remember that I can't talk to him. 

I have done and still do reach for my iPhone to call him for advice, to call him to tell him something exciting, to call him and tell him I love him.

13 months ago he died and I still reach for my phone, email, text, etc.

Every morning I still wake up and see the empty side of the bed and remember he's dead.

I have been getting praise and positive comments from my colleagues and as much as it makes me feel good, it makes me feel really good, in the back of my mind it also makes me sad.

Sad because I can't share any of this with John.

Sad because I only got here following John's death.

Sad because I'd give it all up in an instant to have him here with me again.

There is another grief blog I follow (http://lifeasawidower.com) and he speaks very eloquently of someone commenting on the fact that, if you dwell on something, you'll never get over it. What he says is so very true, when you're grieving you can't just 'pull yourself together', you don't just get over it, one day full of grief, the next you're fine.

You don't dwell on grief, it consumes you. 

You have no control over it at all.

Grief, for me, is like a body snatcher - on the outside I look and sound like the same person, but on the inside I am being remotely controlled by a feeling, an all consuming emotion.

Perhaps I am having a bit of an unravelling, the bits I thought I had pulled together have become a unstuck.

John is like a magnet, all my unstuck bits being pulled in his direction, we're two halves trying to become a whole again.

An impossibility, but nonetheless my heart and mind won't stop trying.

And all this trying does nothing for my head or heart, it just hurts them and all I want to do is not feel the hurt, the crying, the anguish, the sadness, the loss.

I can't help feeling that I should have just done the video and got it all out. 

Instead I type and I cry, I cry and I type.

I am such a misery today!