Scaredy Cat

I learnt something about me today that I wasn't expecting at all.

This morning, I took Maximillian Sydney Bruiser to the vet. 

My little man has had a 'bad paw' for a couple of days which he has not stopped licking, it's red and inflamed and so off we went to find out what was causing it - I assumed a seed head or a thorn had got stuck in his pad.

Max has a bacterial infection and all his licking has pushed the infection further into his paw.

It's nothing serious.

It's nothing life threatening.

It's not affecting his ability to walk or play!

It's treatable with antibiotics and a paw wash solution.

However.......after the vet told me that essentially there was nothing seriously wrong with Max, I cried.

Right there.

In front of him.

I was panicking inside that he was going to tell me that there was something seriously wrong with Max and, ultimately, I was so afraid that I was going to lose my little fella.

I know this sounds stupid and a tad dramatic but I honestly felt 'scared' inside, knowing it was probably nothing but worrying like mad that it was something more.

The dogs are my 'Kids', they always have been and always will be.

I couldn't be without Max or Moo, they are literally everything to me.

In the last year they have done more to 'save me' than anything or anyone if the truth be told.....and they don't even know it!

They've listened to my grief stricken (drunken!) ramblings.

They've watched me fall apart.

They've cuddled me.

They've made me smile and laugh.

They've always been there with their wagging bums and unconditional love.

They saved me when I didn't think I could go on.

And so.....for all the bravado and 'strength' in my previous posts about fighting back whenever Life takes a swing at me, I can honestly say that since John died, there is something that scares the living fuckery out of me.....Loss.

I am very much afraid of Loss.

I am scared that friends and family who I love and cherish will get ill and that I will lose them too.

I am worried that, in the future when there's another man in my life, when I get close and we're a happy couple, Life will fuck me over again, he will fall ill, he will die, and he will also be taken from me.

Perhaps it's irrational, perhaps it's melodrama.

Whatever it is, it fucking petrifies me.