Jealous Guy

A feeling has been manifesting itself quite strongly recently......that would be Jealousy.

Whenever I see another couple, whether they be male/male, male/female, female/female, it doesn't matter, but when I see them together, holding hands, arms around each other, moments of affection, I get really jealous.

I also become angry.

Angry for seeing it.

Angry for how it makes me feel.

Angry that it's not me and John.

Now I know that I cannot inhabit this world and not see people showing each other affection and, quite frankly, I really am going to have to get over it, but it just makes me angry and sad and lonely.

I'm really not liking being alone.

Not one bit.

I know I have friends and family that I can be with and that are there for me.

But, it's not the same as having a lover, someone to kiss and cuddle and love and hug and cuddle and, even when I am surrounded by those people, inside I am screaming for John.

For all the positives in my current life, and if the truth be told there are many, I am not enjoying it. 

It's still "early days" I s'pose but I'm not properly enjoying my life, this life, life without John.

I am an Automaton.

I go through the motions.

I'm a robot.

I'm on autopilot.

I look for him everywhere.

I know I'll never find him but it doesn't stop me trying.

When I feel 'close' to him, I'm feeling close to a memory, that is all.

People have said he's here, watching over us all......I don't subscribe to that point of view, I never have and I doubt I ever will.

I'm more literal in my thinking, I actually look for John, for HIM, not for a 'sign' or something more 'spiritual', that's not me......and it wasn't John either.

To suggest that he will appear to me in some sense, that he is watching over us, implies that there is a 'Higher Being' out there, that there is another side, someone/something that can hear and see our pleads and prayers and begging for them not to take the ones we love.

A Higher Being that completely ignored my month of pleading and begging and praying and crying and took John anyway.

So, no.....I don't feel he's around me, I don't feel he's watching over me, I don't feel him anywhere.

So I look for him everywhere!

And for that matter, IF there were another side, John would find a way to contact me, to contact his Boys, I KNOW he would.

I can't speak for the Boys, but he hasn't contacted me.

I have had nothing from my Husband, the Love of my Life, nothing at all since April 2012.

Nothing.
At. 
All.