HelLOW

I went to bed last night crying and unhappy.

I cried during the night.

I awoke to the same.

I have been bubbling over all day so far and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

I guess this is what they call 'a low'.

Anything and everything is making me unhappy, making me cry, making me sad.

I've been trying to motivate myself but I just can't.

I should be packing but I really cannot be fucking bothered.

I don't want to see or speak to anyone but I want to talk and get a hug.

I look around this house and I see John everywhere and it just makes me cry.

I have an enormous headache from all the crying.

To add to the melodrama, I've been flicking through the book of messages, emails, text messages, etc that John sent me in the first few of years of our budding relationship.

I really don't know or care if it's a good or bad thing, I just want to do it.

Shoot me down in flames if you like, I really couldn't give a shit.

I may as well fight fire with fire and fucking well go with the flow.

I'd like to say it makes me feel closer to him but that would be an enormous lie.

Reading through it just makes me even more unhappy, it reminds me that he's dead and gone and that, ultimately, I am alone, lonely, on my own, without him.

We're now in the 15th month since John fell ill and, considering my current state of mind, perhaps I haven't come as far as I had thought.

Last night and today is a full on sobfest.

The dogs are avoiding me, something they haven't done since last year in London - they 'know' Dad's not right.

And I'm not.

I'm not right.

I haven't been 'right' since 19th April 2012.

John was 'The One'.

John was and will always be 'The Love of my Life'.

We were meant to be together.

But it should have been FOREVER!

Today I can't do it.

I can't do 'Life'.
It can fuck off.

It really does sound pathetic, but I can't....and I don't want to!

I am aware that, to some extent, I am probably 'wallowing' it in but do I care? Do I fuck!

Every single sad song I can find on my iTunes is being played, loud.

Every single song that means something to 'Us' is being played, loud.

Lose the person you're crazy in love with.

Lose the one you were going to spend the rest of your natural life with.

Lose the Love of your Life.

Lose The One.

Then, only then, when you can never, ever, EVER, see them, touch them, smell them, hear them, speak to them, look me in the eye and tell me I'm not allowed to 'wallow in it'.

Today I am being honest - the truth, nothing sugar coated, no deception.

Having met a lovely, very nice young man and then have it all go wrong and hurt him, has made me realise that, for all my bluster and positive words, I'm not doing so well.

It has opened the flood gates and I'm not sure I know how to close them again.

I'm not coping with the loss of John as well as I make out if I'm telling the truth.

I'm still not sleeping very well.

I cry at the drop of a hat.

I listen to sad songs, our songs, more often than not.

Everywhere I go, everything I do, I'm thinking of John for the most part.

And NO, before any of you suggest it, I am NOT talking to someone, some stranger, about it, about me, about us, about John, about any of it.

I'm NOT!

If I do that it'll be under my own steam, as and when I am ready, IF I am ever ready.

I would however, for want of a better word, kill for a cuddle, a hug, a pair of safe arms around me, making me feel like it's going to be ok.

Because, honestly, I'm not ok.