Ready, Steady....No!

The man I met is handsome.

The man I met is good looking.

The man I met is lovely.

The man I met wanted me.

The man I met, my heart does not want.

A few weeks ago a really lovely young man was holidaying in Penzance (ironically he lives in south east London!!!!).

We met and got on straight away.

We got on very well.

He returned soon after for a long weekend which was equally wonderful.

This weekend he came back again.

All was well until, last night, we watched my all time favourite film - Torch Song Trilogy.

I still say 'We' instead of 'I' after almost 14 months....

Basically, it's the story of a gay man in New York in the 70s and 80s and his search for love and respect, which sadly includes the fact that the one man he really loves, has a successful relationship with and is adopting a child with, dies a horrible death.

We should never have watched it.

From the moment we put the dvd on we were doomed.

It seems that I am not yet ready for the world of dating.

My heart is not having any of it.

My heart is a loyal one and he still yearns and beats for John.

Yes there is my side of this story but, what hurts more, what really upsets me, is his side of the story, the man I like, likes me......really likes me.
He did nothing wrong.
He wanted to get to know me more.

But........I hurt him.

My heart hurt him.
He left here today crying.

That hurts me.

I've cried a lot this afternoon, both while he was here and after I dropped him off at the railway station for his return to London.

I'm like a push-me-pull-you.

I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I'm confused.

To be honest, I'm really unhappy with the whole thing.

I saw a glimpse of what it would be like to be with a lovely man again and my heart shot it down in flames.

You know what, sometimes, when I look at all the words I have written, my depressingly unhappy world of grief, mourning and 'coming to terms with Death', it sounds like a load of fucking bullshit!!!!!!!!!
One minute I'm up, the next I'm down, then I'm happy then I'm sad, I'm dealing with it, then I can't cope.
I mean, seriously, what the fuck?!
Today, Life can take a huge fucking leap off a very large cliff and FUCK RIGHT OFF (sorry for the 'F' words Mum!).

Mercifully, there's a new, full (not for long!) bottle of vodka in the kitchen.......time to crack it open!!!!!!