We Need To Talk

Tomorrow, after almost 10 years with the company, I leave my job.

I leave so that I can sort, clear and pack before moving to Cornwall to start my new life.

To start again.

Today, more so than any other day since John has been dead, I feel the need to talk to him.

To tell him I am leaving my job.

To tell him the dogs and me are leaving London.

To tell him I am nervous.

To tell him I am scared.

To tell him I am emotional (more so than normal!!!)

To tell him I wish, with all my heart, that he was coming too!

I reached for my mobile this evening with the sole intention of calling John.

Then I remembered.

Instead I spoke to Cornwall, to a very, VERY special lady who reminded me that yes, it is scary and nerve racking but it's also very exciting....and John loved exciting!!!!!

Tomorrow night I will be officially unemployed.

6 weeks tomorrow I will be moving out and driving to Cornwall to start my new life.

I am emotional.

I am scared.

I am nervous.

I am excited.

Aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!

I woke up crying today.

Today is not a good day.

I just can't shake it.

Every record I play, every piece of paper I pick up, clothing I wash, etc, it all makes me think of John.

This morning the Landlord had an estate agent visit to get a valuation.

Soon after letting him in (very good looking actually!), the local Jehovah's Witnesses knocked at the door. I assured them that Jehovah has absolutely zero chance of saving me!

Then the Landlord arrived.

Through all of this Max would not stop barking.

I nearly beat him into next month!

I am so fucking tense.

I really want to smash, break, destroy things.

I have so much destructive anger inside me.

I feel ready to explode.

I am a human volcano and the pressure is building.

And I'm cancelling people again.

I arrange or agree to things and then as it gets closer to the 'event' the more nervous and stressed I am and so I cancel.

After I have cancelled I wish I hadn't and then stay here at home feeling all lonely.

I wonder why?!

The closer I get to moving to Cornwall, the more unstable I feel I am becoming.....

The page is out of print

We are not permanent

We are temporary

Temporary

Kings of the Mountain

I was walking the dogs around the cemetery this evening and this windy, wet weather we're having reminded me of a 'holiday' John and I had in North Wales in September 2010.

I won't remember this holiday for the wonderful time we had, indeed it wasn't a holiday, it was much too stressful and we saw very little of each other. I will remember it because this was the week that Joyce, John's lovely, wonderful Mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour.

Mum was supposed to be coming with us, along with the gorgeous Joannie, however with her being in hospital this wasn't going to happen, but we decided to still go up there, at least we were relatively close to Mum in Chester.

It was also only a month since we re-homed Millie.

Anyway, one thing we both really wanted to do was accomplish what we called '3 Lake Walk', starting at Llanberis Pass and walking ever upwards until you get to the lake below the summit of Snowdon. We had done it before but not with the dogs.

The weather was shocking, absolutely bloody awful!

John, being the caring, gentle, loving man that he was, carried Millie three quarters of the way up because she just stopped. She refused to go any further. She hated it (and probably us for putting her through it!) and would not go on. 

Even Max started whining and he's up for pretty much anything!!!

As short as it is, this is the video I took at the 'top' and, as you can see, we were windswept, wet and knackered!!!

I miss the adventures almost as much as I miss John!

7 Days.......

This last week has been dreadful, bloody awful!

As I mentioned in my previous video, I didn't go to work on Monday or Tuesday, I was just not up to it.

I've had a number of removal companies come in to give me quotes for the move to Cornwall.

Last night's was particularly eventful.

A lady came to quote and literally, within 30 seconds, started sneezing and coughing. When questioned, she informed that she was allergic to dogs! Fucking stupid job to have when you're visiting people's homes to give quotes and a lot of people have dogs!

Anyway, I was showing her around and whilst in the kitchen I opened one of the cupboards.....glass and crockery fell out, shattering and smashing all over the place.

I carried on the tour like the consummate professional that I am.

At least I won't have so much glass or crockery to take with me!

Today has been 'full on'.

Another removal company came to quote.

Then the landlord came over with an estate agent to price for either selling or re-renting.

Then Kay & Jim came over and removed some furniture I gave them.

All around this I was trying to sort the contents of drawers, cupboards, etc.

While Kay was here I started unravelling.

I'm not feeling great, I'm feeling really tired and lethargic and just devoid of energy.

And I am almost constantly crying or feeling the need to cry.
How can you cry almost every day for 6 months and still have tears in you?!

6 Months

Nine Eleven

Boyfriends - Christmas 2002

How Is He?

Today at work I was asked how John was.

"How is John, is his recovery going well?"

I sobbed.

I miss him so much.

And I still have that fucking headache!!!!

Forever Autumn

I hate mornings.

Each day I wake up to remember.

I think my head is going to burst.

I don't feel good.

I have a headache.

I've had it days now.

I went to Sainsbury's to do the weekly shop this morning and I wept in the chocolate/sweets aisle.

It's going to be another cheery day in Devonshire Road!

2 steps back

Today, John is in my head, more so than normal.

He's all I can think about.

I am tearful and emotional.

Today, I'm afraid, is not the best day.

It is also the dogs' 3rd birthday.

John should be here.

We should be treating them, walking them, cuddling them, together.

Instead, I took Millie to the vet for her health check up (she's fine) and weigh in (she's lost half a kilo!).

To be honest, I am really struggling.

I hear people refer to me as brave or strong.

I'm not.

I'm really not.

I have no choice in any of this.

I have to do it.

I have to sort and clear and rearrange and tend the garden and clean the home and do the washing and walk/feed the dogs.....blah blah blah.....

But fuck me, I am finding it really very difficult indeed.

I am sat here, typing and crying.

I am very sad today.

As far as I know nothing has set me off, it's just simply how I feel.

I woke up ok but as the day goes on, the sadder and more emotional I am becoming.

Maybe I need a vodka?!

As Lana Del Rey would say, "I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy".