The Lord of my Ring

In early 2011, John and I went to Mexico.

As with all our travels, it was an incredible, amazing adventure, not a holiday, a proper Adventure!

While we were there we took a trip to the Sian Ka'an Nature Reserve, a beautiful untouched piece of Mexican natural beauty.

On the schedule of things to do was snorkelling....something I was rather nervous about, what with my fear of deep water. 

However, after having watched wild Bottlenose Dolphins around our boat accompanied by Green Turtles, I decided that I should at least give it a go.

So I did.

Within a few short minutes I realised that, quite literally, I was way out of my depth.

I panicked.

My hands flailed all over the place and, as I was flailing, my wedding ring was pulled from my finger and I watched as it fall to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

I. Was. Gutted.

I got out of the water, sat on the boat and I cried.

What did my wonderful Hubby say?

"There are worse ways and locations to lose a wedding ring!"

He saw the positive in everything, something I really miss.

Why am I telling you this and where is it going?

Well....

I've been thinking a lot about my wedding ring recently and I've been wondering about 'getting it back'.

I've been considering contacting Stephen Einhorn in London who made my ring and asking them to recreate it for me....they must have the original order somewhere from John?!

No, it wouldn't be THE ring but it would be a faithful facsimile of 'my precious'.

The big question is......should I? 

What purpose would it serve?

Why do I need it again now?

Am I clutching at proverbial straws? 

Something to keep John close to me?

Is it healthy to do it?

I really don't know whether to or not. 

I haven't had it in my possession since March 2011 so it's not as if I have lost it since John died.

But I reeeeeeeeeeally want it now.

It is fast becoming an obsession.

Me, Myself & I

Before I met John I was a serial monogamist.

I'd go out with anyone that would have me, eager to be wanted, loved, needed.

Life out of a relationship was unthinkable, I couldn't possibly be ALONE!

And then, in the winter of 2002, I met Mr Ellis, The One.

I knew from the moment I met him that we would be boyfriends, that we would have a relationship, that we would be an 'Us'.

John knew it too.

We were meant to be, destined.

Even if I had known from that very first day that I would only have had a little under 10 years with him, I would have still pursued him (and I was the one that did nearly all the pursuing!!!!).

Times change, indeed my entire life has changed since John's death and, ultimately, I have changed.

Where I was once almost desperate for attention, love, any form of affection, I find myself no longer requiring it.

Why am I telling you this?! 

Well.......I've met a really nice man recently, a local man, a man that ticks a lot of boxes, we've had a few 'dates'.....but.....I don't want it.

It's not that I'm not ready, that it's too soon, that he's not John, (insert psycho babble here!), etc, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah. 

It's purely and simply that I do not want a relationship, I don't want to get into that position, that situation, I can feel myself pushing it away, putting up walls and barriers. Drinks, dinner, meeting up for social activities is fine, but I do not want to be a boyfriend, yet.

I had a FaceTime chat with my gorgeous sister in law a couple of evenings ago and, among other things, I told her that I couldn't have a relationship because I didn't want 'ordinary' or 'normal'....thankfully, she understood completely what I meant.

My life with John was fucking extraordinary, John was extraordinary.....I was spoilt, spoilt rotten with the man and life that I had.

To follow that life, those experiences, those adventures, with something 'everyday normal' and 'ordinary' is, for me, unacceptable......I won't and can't do that.

For a man to come along and follow that is, for him and without knowing it, going to be extremely difficult.

I can't and won't compare any man to John but the stakes have been set, the bar is incredibly high and, as much as I am not comparing, I know what I had and I don't want anything less (maybe I am comparing, just a tad).

Any man is quite literally going to have to pull the rug from under my feet for me to even consider him.....and sadly, this chap I've met, as much as I like him, hasn't even tugged the rug (that sounds very wrong!!!!!).

I am aware that this chapter probably comes across as me, me, me and makes me sound very spoilt and selfish. I'm not and it isn't supposed to but this is the best way I can explain it.....

It's also very liberating saying "I don't want a relationship".....it feels freeing, like shedding a skin, I rather 'like' the feeling. 

For months after John died I felt like I urgently needed to find someone else, to fill the gaping void, to give me closeness again, some form of love and affection, but for once in my life, I want to be a Me, not an Us.

I think, for the foreseeable future (unless the fabled Rug Puller comes along), it's going to have to be just Me, Max and Moo......and a social life......no men, no complications, no emotional 'stuff'.....

Just Me, my perfect little Family and my lovely, loyal Friends.

Keep Calm and Carrion

Today is Saturday.

Just another day of the week.

Not a particularly nice day outside, it's raining and the temperature has dropped.

Today is International Vulture Awareness Day

Since posting a picture and some text on Facebook I have felt 'sad'.

All I can think about is John, his work, his passion for conservation, our trips to exotic countries (including Nepal and the magnificent Himalayas to try and see wild Vultures).

I am, of course and without doubt, extremely proud of my Hubby and the work that he accomplished (I always will be!), the foundations that he laid and the wisdom he passed on to those in India and Nepal and around the world.

John teaching at the Vulture Breeding Centre in Nepal

But today, I find myself really missing him.

I miss him every day, but today is a subject close to both of us, it was part of our relationship.

I have cried.

And I will no doubt cry more.

Today's motto!!!!

We Are The Stars Made Conscious

As those that follow this blog will know, I'm not one for religion, Heaven, God, blah, blah, blah.

I, like John, am a man of Science.

Science provides proof, whereas religion in all its manifestations, asks us to believe in something purely from a Faith perspective. 

To believe in something, in a deity you cannot prove to me is real, is in my mind, wrong.

I don't and never will deny those that wish to seek or follow a religious path, each to their own, it's just not for me, it's not something I can honestly 'hand on heart' believe in.

A very good friend (I consider her more family than friend!) sent me this eulogy. 
It has helped her with John's death, being of a scientific mind too.
I read it and what stands out for me is "not a bit of you is gone, you're just less orderly"......this sentence is 'so' John.....he was a right messy bugger, always disorganised, disorderly, leaving his trail of detritus around the home.....(I secretly loved clearing up after him but would 'complain' just to wind him up).
And no, he's not gone, his gorgeous sexy body may have disappeared but his energy is here, bouncing around the cosmos, mixing with the energy of the planet he worked so hard to conserve and protect.
And that's how I feel about this new house, it's like his energy is here, has been here, has left it's mark. 
I don't feel John's presence, I've never been 'visited' by John-like apparitions in the deepest, darkest hours of the night (I wish!), but I like to think his energy, his life-force, is swirling around me like a "Johnnie-aura" of love (that sounds as corny as shit, but I'm not apologetic!).

We Are Stars by The Pierces - one of 'our' records......

John and I actually used to 'smooch' to this in the flat in London......what I'd give to hold him close and dance to a romantic record.

"I see nothing worse, than to sail this universe, without you"

Loved Me Back To Life

It's true to say that I'm by no means out of the woods yet.
I think the journey Grief has set for me will be a long one.
I still cry most days for one reason or another.
I will always love and miss John, as will all his family and friends.
You don't "get over" a man like John Ellis, and why would you want to?!?!

However, to my friends and family, those that have watched me break down, listened to me cry and question, helped me out emotionally, mentally, financially and any other 'ly', looked after me, hugged me, been there for me, made sure I was ok, supplied me with cake and copious amounts of alcohol......this is dedicated to you......

Thank you........I Love You All x

I was walking dead, stuck inside my head
I couldn't get out, turn the lights down
The voices inside were so loud

Need a jump-start, catatonia, I couldn't feel
I wished that I could disappear
The voices inside were so real

But you stood by my side
Night after night, night after night

You loved me back to life
From the coma, the wait is over
You loved me back to life

I'll leave the rest to Celine (who I'm not a great fan of, but this new track of hers is very appropriate!).