'The Chap'

I have no idea what he sees in me.

I have no idea why he wants to put himself through it.

But....me and 'The Chap' are dating again.

The human 'push-me-pull-you' is back in my life.

The talented Björk once sang 'I am a fountain of blood in the shape of a girl'.

Well, I am a warehouse of baggage in the shape of an old, bald, overweight man.

The many and varied reasons I could and couldn't go out with him were rational, they were irrational, they were reasons nonetheless.

But, one thing I wasn't doing was ALLOWING myself to date without that old spectre they call Guilt....and I have it in bucket loads.

I feel guilty for finding another man attractive.

I feel guilty for touching another man that isn't John.

I feel guilty as though I am cheating on John.

I feel guilty because I worry that people will think me a bastard to John's memory, that it's too soon.

I feel guilty.

I know this is wrong......my friends and family have been nothing but supportive, assuring me that I shouldn't feel guilty at all. 

In fact, (and you know how I hate this, but.....) John would probably want me to get on with my life and live it, that's what life is for, to LIVE it.

For his part, 'The Chap' is brilliant, taking most of it in his stride.

One thing I made him do was read this blog.

I wanted him to be aware of everything, no stone left unturned, no information he didn't know about this journey of mine. 

He needed to know, to be prepared, to be forearmed when those dark days appear and I am less than myself, smothered in Grief, whether it be minutes or hours. 

So now he knows.

And, for my part, I cannot very well date someone and not talk about the last 12 years of my life, whether they were because John and I grew apart, he dumped me or he died. The reason doesn't really matter WHY I am single, what matters is that I can feel free to talk about John, about our relationship, adventures, etc, etc.

'The Chap' lets me do this and more.

He's a good, kind, honest, generous, quiet man....in temperament he is the polar opposite of John and I am VERY glad about that. 

He's not like John at all, which actually makes it 'better' for me....and probably for him if I'm honest!

I'm going to try my hardest to not overthink any of this, I'm going to try and enjoy the journey, see where it goes and not panic!!!

Oh......the dogs adore him!!!!!!!

I have also made a decision with regards to Cruse Bereavement.......I'm not doing it.

I'm not avoiding it.

I'm not running away from the issues in my head.

'The Chap' probably has something to do with it, but, my mood has lifted, a couple of the issues have been resolved simply by dating him.

And, she let me down two weeks running with excuses about not being able to drive through Cornwall, on days when I received log deliveries and workmen were on my conservatory roof fixing a leak. 

I wasn't impressed at all.

She won't be hearing from me again.

I'll deal with my life, my way, in my own time.

Whether or not 'The Chap' sticks around, I think I'm going to be ok.