Thursday, 6 February 2014

Oops, I did it again.....

Once more I have hurt someone who is lovely.
Last night, after a delicious meal cooked by him, I sat there in his home, almost in tears again, and explained again, why I couldn't have a relationship, again.
I upset him, I hurt him, I disappointed him, again!
I made him cry for goodness sake!
Haven't there been enough tears and hurt and sadness?
But there I go again, hurting another innocent on my roller coaster ride through Grief while trying to find me, myself and I all at the same time.

I can't do it, I put far too much pressure on myself for it to 'feel right'.
I crave company, closeness, love and intimacy, but as soon as it presents itself, I turn the other way and I run.
In the process I hurt and upset perfectly lovely people.

John's death absolutely broke my heart, I don't want to be breaking them too, I know only too well how shitty it feels!!!
I'm not entirely sure my tattered, battle bruised and weary heart is ready to pump for someone else, there's still so much it contains for my Husband that I fear it cannot contain feelings for another any time soon.
Not right now anyway.

Singledom once again beckons.

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