Monday, 26 August 2013

Sleepless in Cornwall

I'm a little improved of late, not as low as I was, not high enough to be happy but 'better'. 
The lifting has probably been helped by John's eldest son and his fiance√© visiting for the Bank Holiday weekend. 
It was, as it always is, a pleasure and a joy to see them.
I had a few private tears while they were here.
He's so like his Dad in personality - loud, playful, fun, our godson absolutely adores and idolises him!!!
Hearing him around the house or out and about I could hear John, it was wonderful, it was lovely, it was warming.
It also crushed me inside.
Their personalities are peas in a pod.
So alike.
Now that they've gone home, back to civilisation, the house is very quiet.
The fun, the laughter, the volume, it's all gone.....we are practically silent.
I miss it, I miss them, I miss the Life in the house and I miss John.
I've cleaned the house, done the washing, walked the dogs, done all the chores I needed to, most of which have been accompanied by tears.

I went to bed almost dreading waking this morning as I knew they were leaving.
But then I go to bed every night dreading waking up.
Mornings are the worst.
I really don't like waking up at all.
I go to bed and I potter on the iPad most of the night, into the early hours, until I can no longer keep my eyes open, simply because sleeping means waking up in the bed alone, by myself, without John.
Without fail, the first thing I notice every single morning is that one side of the bed is empty, then I remember John's dead....every single morning for over 15 months.
I really do detest mornings with a fucking passion.
Mornings are the thing I dislike most in this new life.
It takes me an age to 'warm up', to get out of the low that I wake up in.
I know it's one of the reasons I'm always so frigging tired but, try as I might, I can't stop it.
I've considered pills but I don't really want to go down that route.
I thought about buying a new bed but that would be stupid and a waste of money - I'd still be alone in the damn bed!!!!
And, being so tired all the time is going to make my moods less positive.
It's a catch 22, a vicious cycle, from which I find it hard to escape.
I crave sleep and yet I shy from it as much as I can.

Drinking.....drinking helps!

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